Forever In Search Of my Muse

~~~~ They say, "Music has powers to sooth the savage breast." Yes, breast not beast it was miss quoted and stuck that way.

~~~~ i love music and almost any kind of music at that. As most can tell from the playlist.com player i have at the bottom of my blog. Those are just some of the songs that have inspired me over the years. i do not like rap though i am sorry but to me that is just not music.

~~~~ i can play several instruments too. Lets see there is the Tuba, Sousaphone (big thing that wraps around the body), flute, piccolo, little bit on the trumpet and trombone. i was teaching myself to play the piano on a really nice keyboard that i had but when i left my estranged that got left behind on accident and he will not give it to me. Ohh well he did pay for it, granted it was supposed to be my Christmas present a few years back but i can go and buy another one sometime when i have the money. i have beautiful acoustic guitar that i want to learn to play as well and Roommate says he can teach both Son and i to play. Son was taking drum lessons with his dad but stopped so i am going to look for some out here for him to take.

~~~~ i find that depending on the style of the music it can be a great many things: calming, stimulating, inspiring, aggravating, sensual, annoying, and just so many more. When i really want to relax and just unwind or work on my writing i listen to Blackmore's Night, Celtic Women, or Classical even. If i want to take it easy but still get stuff done around the house or am not in a hurry to get a crochet project done i will listen to country or some "Oldies from the 50's - 80's" (since when did the 80's become oldies?). If i want to really get things moving with cleaning or crocheting or even with my walks and exercise i will listen to Big Band music with its pushing beats or even Metal to some Heavy Metal or Death Metal depending on the song. i like to be able to understand the words to what i am listening to if they are in English.

~~~~ i love musicals too like Phantom Of The Opera, Cats though this is probably my least favorite musical, Hairspray etc. Even the music from the old Disney Animated Movies i love to listen to still. There is just always music for whatever mood you are in. i always have music playing somewhere in the house if i am not wasting a few hours in front of the TV. but then there is music on TV too. With every show, commercial, and movie they use music you just may not notice it.

Some of my favorite Quotes about MUSIC

**** Ah, music. A magic beyond all we do here! Dumbledore ~J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, 1997 ****

**** I think I should have no other mortal wants, if I could always have plenty of music. It seems to infuse strength into my limbs and ideas into my brain. Life seems to go on without effort, when I am filled with music. ~George Eliot (1819 - 1880)****

**** Music has charms to soothe the savage breast To soften rocks, or bend a knotted oak. ~William Congreve (1670 - 1729), The Mourning Bride, Act 1 Scene 1 ****

**** If music be the food of love, play on;
Give me excess of it, that, surfeiting,
The appetite may sicken, and so die.
That strain again! it had a dying fall:
O, it came o'er my ear like the sweet sound
That breathes upon a bank of violets,
Stealing and giving odour! ~William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616), "Twelfth Night", Act 1 scene 1 ****

**** After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music. ~Aldous Huxley (1894 - 1963) "Music at Night", 1931 ****

~~~~ It has been 2.5 years since i left my estranged husband and we are still not divorced. He has found every reason in the book to prolong this divorce. Now to top it all off his legal representation is filing a motion for withdrawal from the case. Siting that they have reached an impass as to how to proceed with this cause of action. Even though i was the one to leave he is the one that petitioned for disillusion of marriage. With his legal representation asking to withdraw from the case he has 21 days from their withdrawal to file an appearance for himself or with new council. If he does not do this then his petition will be dismissed and we will have to start all over again. So this morning my lawyer and i spent an hour and a half on the phone writing up a counter petition so that we can file it before there is a chance for the case to dismissed and we can keep it open and preceding.

~~~~ my next court date that i have to appear for is December 29,2009 one day after my 11 year wedding anniversary. However i am not even sure if that date will stand because of this motion to withdraw and the fact that he has 21 days after that to file an appearance. The motion for withdrawal comes in front of the Judge on December 15, 2009 but i do not need to be there for that. This divorce has cost me over $22,000 of which i have paid off over $17,000 already. That is a lot of money that could have been put to a much better use sitting in a bank and earning interest for Son's college education even after paying for the divorce but instead it is going to my lawyer. Now i am not complaining about paying my lawyer he has done a WONDERFUL job and i am very pleased with everything that he has done. i just wish that my estranged had not drug this divorce out so very long.

~~~~ On an other note i am crocheting away at all my projects and they are coming out great. i am very pleased with them i just wish the progress would go a little faster but it is not easy to crochet with two wrist braces on at times. A nice cup of hot blueberry tea, some good music, my comfy chair, a warm blanket and my Blueberry Scone scented candle burning and i am good to go for several hours of good crocheting time while i watch the snow fall and pile up outside my windows. i love the beauty of this time of year. After crocheting for a few hours i may pick up one of the books i am reading and enjoy it for a while too. Or maybe i will move to working at my desk and taking care of some of my poetry that i have not worked on in a while. It all just depends on how i feel. One thing is for sure though i need to get off here for a little while and get my house work done so that i can do this stuff later. Plus i have to take of Son when he gets home from school. So off to work i go.

~~~~ i love the beauty of winter and the fresh crisp blanket of white that coats everything after a good snowfall but with the first snow comes the fear of falling on the ice. For me this is an event that happens every year without fail and always leaves me sore for days. Now that i have my bad back and hips i am even more scared of falling on the ice. What if i land wrong or on my back or hips? Who will take care of me and Son if i am stuck in bed? Worse what if i break something in the fall and am laid up for weeks rather then days? Right now i have Roommate who every year promises that he will help if something like this happens to me but what about when i move out on my own with Son?

~~~~ i have all these beautiful boots with heels that i would wear year round and really loved to wear in the winter. But now i do not touch them. i am always in gym shoes or snow boots. Even when i go to court i wear my gym shoes there and change into my dress shoes once i am in the building. i do not risk walking on any ice in anything that is not a tractioned sole. Even with those i fall every year.

~~~~ With the first snow also comes the promise of continued cold weather and that brings the promise of PAIN. If i get to cold my back tenses up and causes excruciating pain. i have lived in the north all my life first in the Cleveland, OH suburbs and now in the Chicago, IL suburbs but until i was hit by a car the cold never bothered me. Now i bundle up like i have never experienced a winter in my life just try and keep from getting a chill that cause my back to tense. i used to walk outside barefoot in the snow to get the mail or put out the dog now that is not even an option i have to bundle up like i am going for an hour hike just to step outside.

~~~~ On the plus side to all of this though is the beauty of sitting in a chair by the window of my nice warm house under a wonderfully comfy blanket and reading a book with the snow falling. Or crocheting and watching the snow fall. All while enjoying some hot tea, hot coco, or hot cider. MMMMMM. In fact i think i am going to go and make myself some hot tea right now and light some incense or a nice candle and curl up with a good book

~~~~ Does anyone else know how difficult it is to crochet with one of these on each hand? Yes, i have carpal tunnel in both wrists as well as corpol tunnel in my left elbow. i injured my left arm while working at Osco in April of 2005. After many MRI's, an EMG and two years of Physical Therapy i do not have to wear the wrist brace all the time just when it really starts to hurt. i would not let them do the double release that they wanted to do. Releasing the tendons in both the palm of my hand and my eblow so that when the nerves swelled they were not as restricted but then i would always have a weight limit as to what i could lift or how i could move my arm. No thank you. In July of 2006 i was hit by a car and it borke my left leg, tore cartalige in my left knee and weakend my hips and lower back. While i was on crutches and non weight bearing for my left leg i really agrivated my left arm and developed carpal tunnel in my right arm as well. With all of this i can say i thankful i can still walk and move and crochet it could have been a lot worse.

~~~~ So i am stiching away at all my projects and makeing slow progress but progress still. They are all truning out beautifully. i can not wait to get them done and get pictures posted on here. i just find it so relaxing to crochet especially with all the stress of the holidays and the fact that i am usually stuck inside for the duration of the cold weather. Only going out when i absolutely have to because of my back. The cold causes me sever pain in my back and hips and means i usually have to take a vicodine and i HATE taking those so i try to avoid anything that causes that much pain.

~~~~ Ohhh good news though my car is fixed it was a bad tork converter, according to my dad who has worked for Ford all my life that is an $800 dollar fix but it did not cost me a penny. Thank the gods for warranties. i get my car back to day. Roommate and his dad driving down to get it and bringing it home while i get to say inside in the nice warm house working on all my projects.

~~~~ On the way to pick up Son from his father's on Black Friday my car decided it did not want to drive anymore. Roommate and i were maybe 5 minutes from getting Son and my transmission just stopped working. We were sitting in traffic waiting to merge and when it was our turn Roommate stepped on the gas and the car just sat there. It would not engage in any gear. Roommate had to get out and push the car off the street while i steered it into a parking lot and got it into a spot safely.

~~~~ So i had to call my friend S___ to come and pick me up so that i could get Son. Then we went back to my Car and picked up Roommate. i also called Suburban Transmissions and had them come and tow my car. But they said it would be over an hour and a half until they got my car so we left the keys inside Pepboys for the tow truck driver and went home.

~~~~ Now i have to wait until Monday to see if what is wrong with my car and if they are going to charge me to fix it. They fixed my transmission back in March of this year and it is still under warranty so we will see. If they do charge me to fix my car i hope it is not too much because i still have no money and my estranged owes me $3450 and i have not seen a penny of it yet.

~~~~ Okay at last count i had 20 projects intended for specific people. That i need to get done 2 are blankets for Christmas gifts, 4 are blanket that i have promised to people and started, 4 are blankets that i have promised but not started yet, 2 are baby blankets i just found out about, 2 are baby hats, 2 are spit-up clothes, 1 scarf, and 1 hat and 1 pair of crocheted boxers.

~~~~ i have a feeling i am going to be crocheting for a long time to come before i can get to the hats that i want to make for the local hospitals and emergency response crews to give to babies, children and adults in need of them in the cold weather. i guess i better put down my books for a while and pick up my hooks and get to work. Hmmm i wonder if i can get away without doing as much of my chores around the house because i have all this crocheting to get done. i doubt Roommate and Son would be to happy about that though because my chores are the laundry and cooking dinner, Roommate washes the dishes and takes out the garbage, and Son helps keep the house neat and dusts. We all take turns cleaning the bathroom.

~~~~It looks like i am going to have to stop crocheting to the nice slow relaxing music and start using something that has more of an up beat tempo to it. i have found that i crochet to the tempo of the music the fast and more up beat the music the faster i crochet and i do not make more mistakes then normal so that is good thing. Now i just need to go and make a play list with the music i need to crochet to.Plus i can start crocheting while Roommate and i are watching our DVR'ed shows at night.

~~~~ Time to put on my wrist braces and get to work my hook and yarn in hand on my projects that need to get done before Christmas is here.

~~~~ i know no matter what goes on in my life Roommate and AP can always make me laugh. If i listed all the inside jokes between AP and i people would really think us strange. Then again we are. Here is a small list

• 1. Neurological-Syphilis of the Puss
  
• 2. For Your Messed Up Togas.
  
• 3. Why won't you have sex with me? Fallowed by various reason and excuses for the answer. (This one is with Roommate)
  
• 4. My dick is hard.
  
• 5. Dah Da Da Dah, Dah Da Da Dah __________'s World
• 6. Leaves
• 7. Making the 50 foot women happy. (This one is also with Roommate)
  
• 8. Just making you feel at home.
• 9. Make my taters woman. (This one is with Roommate too)
• 10. Don't make me kill myself. i swear i will slice my finger with the scissors.
• 11. OO OO OO me man me fix. OO OO OO
  

~~~~ Being of very limited financial means this year i am making a lot of my Christmas presents for my family. i love to crochet and i can do it while riding in a car, on a train, waiting in a waiting room, watching TV, or laying in bed. i have two of my gifts done a hat and scarf set for one of my brothers in black and a hat and scarf set for that brother's girlfriend in light purple. (pictures on my photo blog soon i hope.)

~~~~ i am now working on a patchwork checkerboard blanket for an other brother in dark sage and milk chocolate. The squares are turning out great so far and the colors look wonderful bordered in black and put next to each other. i can not wait to see how this one turns out when it is done. (pictures to follow completion on my photo blog.)

~~~~ Once that blanket is done i have one more to make in shades of green. This one is for my third brother and his girlfriend. i think this one i am going to do in three shades of green if i can find them in the yarn i like that look great together and in a alternating granny square so that every round of the square is a different shade of the three greens. Think square bulls eye with three colors. (pictures to follow completion on my photo blog.)

~~~~ Once these gifts are done i can go back to all the other projects that i have started and need to finish around here. The blanket for my bed, one for Son, one for Roommate, and one for AP's daughter. Then i have several other friends that would love me to make blankets for their daughters. i also have a lot of baby hats i want to take to the hospital and drop off for the babies that are there. (no pictures of these yet but very soon) Plus i will be making more hats and maybe some blankets for the hospital and for any friends that get pregnant.

~~~~ i also want to find a pattern for fingerless gloves that i can make easily i think they would be really nice to have to keep my wrists warm while i am working on my crocheting. Plus i would love to give them as gifts to some people who i know would love something like that. i am just full of ideas as to what i want to make. Between all of that and all of the books i want to read i need to live forever to get it all done. But hey it is nice to always have something to do.

~~~~ i am tired of feeling worthless and stuck in my life. i hate my job and i have to force myself to do it and sound cheerful on the phone every day. i am tired of my boss telling me that i am not doing enough when he has no clue what i have been doing and of hearing him tell me i need to push to make sales. i can not push people into buying what they do not want or do not have money for in their stores. if i have to hear my boss say that K___ is doing better then i am, or making more sales, or in some way inferring that she is kicking my ass in something that is not even a competition one more time i swear i am going to scream. He is just adding to my feelings of worthlessness and i do not even think he realizes it. And when i tell me yeah yeah yeah i get it now stop he thinks i am being mellow dramatic or bitchy. When all i want is to try and keep the precious little bit of sanity that i have left.

~~~~ For this job that i have i am calling stores and offering them catalogs of products that they might want to sell. Then i have to keep calling them back and seeing if they want to order anything and if they are ready to order. i am so sick of hearing we love the products but we have no money to order anything right now call back next month. i work purely on commissions so when stores do not order i do not get paid for all the work that i have done and that in and of itself has a way of making one feel worthless. Adding to it the rantings of a boss who sits there as says that he is making sales all the time and that the economy is picking up when i am struggling to get through every call really just drives it home.

~~~~ On top of all of this i am still not divorced and it has been over two years since i left my estranged husband. He is supposed to be paying me $400 a month in maintenance (read alimony) and has not paid me since he bounced a check to me for Aprils payment and i am getting no child support either though Son has been living with me since the end of August. So i am struggling to pay my bills and make ends meet. i have had to borrow money from my parents and Roommate every month to pay my bills and feed myself and Son. It is getting beyond ridiculous as my estranged buys more pets and blows his money on crap that he does not need or use but cries that he has no money to pay me and does not want to pay child support. He spends money like it is burning a hole in his pocket and then cries that he can not pay his bills. He can buy new CD's and DVD's at every turn or take his fiance out to all these different places, but when any of children not just Son need something and ask for help he has no money to help them. Roommate and i have driven one of his other children up to see her friends when he would not even though she offered to pay for his gas to do so. His other daughter needs a winter coat so as soon as i get enough money to take care of what Son needs i am sending her the money to get a winter coat so that she does not freeze. i want my freedom from my estranged so that i can live my life for me and my son not under his control anymore. i am sick and tired of him making me feel worthless when he is the one that is worthless. He has a great job that he chooses not to work but according to him it is my fault that he does not get to work because i will not change mine and Son's lives around for him anymore. He chooses when he wants to work and then complains that there is no work when he does not even call in to see if there is any.

~~~~ December 28th will be our 11 year wedding anniversary and i really want to be divorced before then. i want to move on with my life and go to school. i want to take care of myself and Son without having to ask for help from anyone. i want to work at a job that i love and help people. Most of all i just want to get on with my life. i am so sick of feeling trapped at every turn of my life in every area of my life

I AM NOT WORHTLESS. I AM NOT WORTHLESS. DO YOU HEAR ME WORLD? I AM NOT WORTHLESS!!!!

~~~~ i am getting so sick of sleeping alone. i do not mean i miss having sex. i mean laying down in my big empty bed all by myself and not feeling someone there next to me. i miss having their body heat to help warm the sheets. i just miss the feeling of someone next to me that i can just cuddle with. Sex is the farthest thing from my mind. i am not interested in sex at all right now. i just want someone to share the bed with once in a while. Someone that can hold me and cuddle.

~~~~ It has been more then two years since i have shared a bed with anyone and i am really beginning to miss it. i hate sleeping alone lately it has been really hard to fall asleep and stay asleep. i have tried putting my pillows every which way and nothing seems to work. i even find myself sleeping only on one side of the bed. i have a beautiful queen sized bed all to myself and i still only sleep on one side of it leaving room for an invisible person on the other side. Even when i wake up in the middle of the night or in the mornings i see that i have stayed on "my side" of the bed never straying to the middle of the bed or the other side.

~~~~ Now, do not get me wrong i am not going to rush out and find someone to fill the other side of my bed. Unless it is filled with more pillows that side of the bed is staying empty until i find the person that not only fills that side of the bed but fulfills what i want from another person in my life. i am in no rush to fill that roll right now either. my divorce is not over and i have not healed completely from the fallout of my sham of a marriage.

~~~~ i just miss having a living body laying next to me as i fall asleep and still be there when i wake up. i miss hearing someone breathing next to me as they dream peacefully. i miss the safe feeling i used to get from rolling over and knowing that there is someone there that will calm me down if i wake up with a panic attack.