Forever In Search Of my Muse

~~~~ When i was in high school every year i would play in the Memorial Day parade with the marching band. Believe it or not even though it was usually sweltering hot i loved doing it. It always meant a lot to me. With so many of my family that have been in the Armed Services now including my brother who was a Marine. i tried to join the Navy right out of high school but i did not make it due to injury. (Long story.)

~~~~ But i do greatly respect and honor all those that choose to serve our country. Many of my classmates are among them and i thank them all. i am thinking about contacting my local book store, Paige Turner Books, to talk to the owner about crocheting handmade blankets form some of our wounded or even non-wounded heroes that might want them. The family that owns the book store does a lot of work with groups that support our troops and they should know how i can go about doing this.

~~~~ Yes, i give away most of what i make to others as gifts for Christmas, baby showers, or donations to hospitals and such. It is the best i can do for others, to give them something that they can cherish and use that was made with love. my mom buys me tons of mill ends one pound bags of yarn form a craft store called Pat Catan's that is very near where she works. She knows i love to crochet and am leaning to knit and that it helps with my stress so she helps me with that. Through that i can help others one of the best ways that i can right now.

~~~~ Ohh yeah and i have been writing this blog for a year now. i really enjoy doing it and i know at least one person reads it but i am not sure of how many others that do and that really does not matter. It gives me a place to express myself.

~~~~ Okay i admit i have a problem. i am a bookaholic. i even tried to create a 12 step program to help cure me but it turned out like this instead.......
12-Step Program for Bookaholics

Hello, my name is _________ and I am a bookaholic!

Step 1: Buy a book.

Step 2: Read it.

Step 3: Touch the book, smell the book, feel it, and turn the pages.

Step 4: Languish lovingly over each perfectly typed letter. Let each word stroke your imagination. Let each sentence fill you. Each paragraph make your heart beat with anticipation for the next onslaught of pleasurable phrases. Each chapter make you gasp for breath. As it leaves you wanting more while the excitement builds.

Step 5: get to end of book, fall into deep depression, cry, throw the book (THE BOOK ENDED), pick book up off of bed, caress binding lovingly, place book on bookshelf.

Step 6: run to library or bookstore and get 10 more books to cure depression. Take books home, and finger each one trying to figure out which to read next. SCREAM and CUSS because you have picked up books 2 and 3 of a series but not book 1. Choose from the other 8 which book to read while HUNTING sleeplessly for missing book 1.

STEP 7: Pick fourth choice book (#1-3 being the 1st book in the series missing and the 2 you are dieing to read) read inferior book (to the missing book that you are still searching for) and think of how grand life would be if only you had the one book to start you onto the books you truly wish to read. search bookstores/libraries/online as you carry list in pocket or purse everywhere with ISBN #, title of book, and Authors name becoming faded. Find book one online 1st edition signed and wish you had $20,000. continue with book you are reading, it is just so hard to get into, you should be enjoying it (is it not printed just like every other book?)

STEP8: find missing book one in used bookstore slightly disheveled but readable. Toss inferior replacement book in corner and immediately start to devour the the books in the series. Finding after the third book the are 9 more books in the series and it has taken you 3 months to get through the books, for they where not as good as was promised to you by your mind. Pick up book from the corner where it has laid waiting for you. Reread from the beginning for you have forgot what it said. Finish book in one night unable to sleep nor put it down. repeat step 5

Step 9: start book from the books lying around you have yet to read ...payday comes and you see that times are hard you think "food or book" with the little money left over from paying bills. decide to go to Aldi or get together with your group of book lovers and shop at Sams (or other discount food place or mega food center with products made for restaurant business) splitting the cost and dividing to groceries between everyone in the parking lot. drive in caravan to bookstore and buy the book you want or which ever one strikes your eye. feel elated cause you not only provided for sustenance but also injected another book fulfilling the craving for your habit.

Step 10: Lone out a book that you have read to a friend and then go nuts because that is the book that you are craving to read again and you have not gotten it back yet. So you seriously think about buying another copy of the book and letting your friend keep that one. Alas as we have said money is tight so you do not buy another copy of a book you already own you just wait for your friend to finish it and when you can take it no longer you ask your friend if they are done with it and they tell you they just started it yesterday. Mumbling to yourself how you have wanted to read this books for weeks you smile and say "Oh it is great you will love it. Tell what you think of it when you finish it." Then you slink off to read a second choice book because you have to read something after all.

Step 11: You find that your second choice book is so good that housework goes undone and sleep is put off until the book is finished. Then you look around the house and say, "Shit i did it again and i said i would stop doing this." Then spend the next few days catching up on all the neglected house work.
~~~ This can be very bad when you work from home too because it is so much easier to put off going to work that way. ~~~

Step 12: When asked what you want for Christmas / Birthday / Anniversary by family and friends your answer is gift cards to book stores because you do not want to have to wait for that special day to get the book you want to read when you want to read it. Only to find out they got you something else instead. And, when asked what you want for Christmas besides gift cards to bookstores you REALLY have to think about it and can not come up with anything

*****START OVER AT STEP ONE*****

~~~~ Then i came up with wedding vows for bookaholics.....

~~~~ Last night Roommate and i were running some errands after Son was picked up by his father for the weekend. We went to the local book store Paige Turner Books. Then we stopped at Dunkin Doughnuts and got some treats for ourselves and headed off to Walmart. It was a really nice and warm day so i was wearing my nice white blousy neck tank top and left my jacket in the car. So i run into Walmart and Roommate stays in the car. i spend a while in there getting what we need and looking for a few things that they did not have. Then waiting in the check out line for the cashier to ring out the family in front of me because he forgot all their coupons. So 20minutes later i am leaving the store and am half to the car when the skies open up and start pouring rain on my nice white (now see through) top. Roommate of course is laughing at me as i run to the car and put the bags into the backseat before jumping into the front passenger seat.

~~~~ Then it happens the first strike of lightning and then another. i am now trying to hide my eyes and stay calm. Roommate is no longer laughing at me and is talking to me calmly trying to keep my calm. We get the grocery store and he was going to stay in the car but decides to walk in with me so that i am not walking through the parking lot alone with the lightning. While we are getting what we need there rain and lightning stop of course.

~~~~ However they start back up as soon as we get out of the store and the storm gets worse. By the time we drove home. Maybe 3 minutes away the storm is really bad and i am really close to an anxiety attack. I HATE LIGHTNING. i am completely TERRIFIED of it. So we get home and get all the stuff inside and the groceries put away. i then have my anxiety attack and hide for about an hour and a half while i jump ahead on the FLYlady steps looking for something to do to keep me busy and not thinking about the storm outside so i made my control journal. (Pictures will be posted on my FLYing blog when i get to that step.)

~~~~ After an hour and a half the storm has passed and Roommate and i go out to dinner at a restaurant that we really like in Kenosha. We had a good time talking to some of the other regulars there and reading for a while. Then it was home and off to bed. i was getting a headache that was threatening to become and migraine after my anxiety attack. However this is about 2am and i did not fall asleep until about 5am. i even got up and changed the hose on the hand held shower head. (One of the things bought at Walmart) Roommate said he was going to do it today but i did it last night because i could not sleep and it was on my mind.

~~~~ Today is day two of FLYing for me. Yesterday i felt better so i shined my sink and i did it just like she said to on her website. Now i can not see myself in it but it is clean and shiny. Today i got dressed to my bare feet. It is supposed to be to my shoes my shoes but i do not wear shoes in the house. Plus it is so nice outside i am going to be wearing my sandals when i go out later. Roommate left a bunch of dishes in the sink this morning when he left for work so it was not all nice and shiny when i woke up at 10 but i washed the dishes and cleaned the sink so it is all shiny again for him to come home to.

~~~~ i really do feel good about getting this done. i just feel so overwhelmed with everything that needs to be done and this website really breaks it all down into small easy to do bits that i can get done rather quickly so that i still have time for the other things that i need to do too.

~~~~ i think i may do what my friend has done as well and start another blog to keep track of how i do with my FLYing so that it is not all i talk about on here. In fact i think i am going to do that right now and i kind of know what i want it to look like too.

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~~~~ i have to get my house clean. It is not dirty as in filthy but it is messy and cluttered. i have laundry to fold thankfully the last load is the washer now and i have a load in the drier that is almost done. Then it is time to mop the floors and clean the bathroom. i hate cleaning the bathroom it is one of the things i wish i never had to do but it has to be done. Then i get to clean to my bedroom and it is a total disaster. Then i have to move my the old bed from my bedroom upstairs to the little bedroom downstairs and move my new bed from the little room downstairs to my bedroom upstairs.

~~~~ Then Roommate and i have to get the huge old metal desk out of the back of his van and put that in the living room so that i can keep an eye on Son over the summer while he is outside playing and i am stuck inside working.

~~~~ However right now my side is hurting so badly it hurts to sit here and type this and i really do not want to move because that just makes the nausea worse. i have had the ultrasound done and they did not see any stones in my Gallbladder but that does not mean that it is not my Gallbladder but it can also be Gastritis so i have to try taking Prilosec OTC to see if that is what it is first. If my side still hurts after taking that then there is one more test that they can do. i just want to know what wrong with my side and why it hurts so much. i am tired of pain and stress and just want it all to go away.

~~~~ Now i get to go back to cleaning because the drier is done and i need to get those clothes out and the next load in. Ohhh what fun.

~~~~ i am learning how to do the Tunisian Crochet style of crocheting and it is a lot of fun. i have a scarf that i am almost done with for one of my cousins and i am working on a baby blanket for a friend that i went to school with. He and his wife are expecting their first baby and i was in the marching band with him for 5 years plus he was in the scouts with my brothers so i have known him for many more years then just marching band. This type of crocheting is also known as the Afghan Stitch. There is a website that i found that has videos on all the different types of stitches. It is called NexStitch it has both Tunisian and Traditional crochet tutorial videos. i have mentioned this before i know but i am proud of the blanket i am working on it is turning out really nice. i have lots of pictures to post on my picture blog of my projects that i have finished and ones that i am working on. i have not been keeping up with that or Ravelry like i would like to so i need to catch up on those soon.

~~~~ There are also two other friends of mine from marching band that are pregnant and i am making blankets for them as well but they are done with regular crochet stitches. Not to mention my friend SB is pregnant with quads and i just made her four blankets as well. Plus white beret for her and a black one for her daughter as well as one in black for me. Plus the baby blanket that i am knitting for a daughter of Roommate's ex-girlfriend. my friends really need to stop getting pregnant. (LOL)

~~~~ i am thinking of making these baby blankets to sell as well and possibly the berets and hats that i make also. They are fast and easy and everyone seems to love them. Maybe i can make some money doing what i love and what relaxes me. It would not be much but it would be something and it would be fun to try. But then again when you start doing what you love for money in the end you usually hate it and i do not want to start hating crocheting. It has always been something that helps my relax and release stress. i also want to work on a lot of these hats and berets to give to the Cancer Center of America right here in town. Plus i gave a bunch of baby hats that i made to Son to take to school before Christmas for the Mitten Tree that the school does every year. i also want to talk to the police stations in the towns near here and see if i can give them some of the winter hats and blankets for them to give to people who they come across that need them.

~~~~ At about 10:15PM last night i called my doctor to see what i should do because i had been having pain in my right side for 24 hours with nausea. The pain and the nausea would range from mild to intense but it was always constant. After waiting for an hour for my doctor to call me back i called his office again and they tried to get a hold of him and could not. The office called me back saying that another doctor was on call for him last night and i talk to her with in a couple minutes. She told me to go to the ER. So now it is 11:20PM and i am waking up Roommate to take me to the ER as he was dosing on the love seat. SB is still out visiting so she said she would listen for Son for me as he had been asleep since about 9:30PM.

~~~~ Before Roommate drove me to the ER i called my mom in OH to let her know that i was going in to the ER and i got there just after 11:30PM. Roommate waited until i got checked in then left and went home. There was no reason for him to try and sleep there since we did not know what was wrong with me or how long i was going to be in the hospital. Plus if i was in there after 7:00AM someone needed to get Son up are ready for school making sure that he took his Concerta and letting him know where i was and what was going on.

~~~~ So i am in the ER and the nurse is trying to give me an IV and draw some blood. They tried with the inside of my right elbow first and blew that vein because they did not listen when i told them that my veins jump and roll. So another nurse tried the inside of my left elbow and blew that vein as well. They went and got the head nurse and he tried the outside of my left elbow and guess what.... yep he blew that vein as well. Now that is the third stick with a needle and i do not like needles. The fourth time they got it in the back of my left hand and they taped it in good to make sure that it did not go anywhere. They took the blood they needed and started an IV with medication for nausea and pain. Well the pain meds helped and the nausea worked for a while until the gave me some kind of contrast solution to drink mixed with apple juice. Now i do not like apple juice to begin with and with this stuff mixed in with it i was trying really hard to choke it down and not let it come back up so that i did not have to drink another two cups of it. The straw that they gave me to drink it with actually was able to stand up in it for a few seconds.

~~~~ So after choking this stuff down i have to wait an hour with my nausea back full force and fight not to be sick before they come and take me to do a CT scan. After the CT scan is done i am back in my little room with just my book to read and my cellphone to text people but the only person who is up is SB. So i am letting her know what i know is going on and that is all of me feeling nauseous and the fun of being stuck four times for an IV.

~~~~ Half an hour later they tell me it is my Gallbladder and not my Appendix that is bugging me. The doctor delivers this news and it is the second time i have seen him all night, well all morning at it is now sometime after 3AM. He asks me if there is anything i need and i say yes i have to go to the washroom so he turns off my IV and hands it to me and walk down the hall to do what i need to do. When i get back from the washroom i am standing in my room trying to figure out how to get back into the hospital bed with both rails up and put my IV bottle back on the stand without pulling it out of my arm. As i am stand there like an idiot trying to figure out how to do this a new nurse's aid comes in and asks if i am going on a bathroom run. So i tell him nope just got back and trying to figure out how to get back into bed. He lowers the rail and hangs up my IV bag and i climb back into bed. He then takes my vitals, removes my IV but not the needle and leaves. At 4:30AM the nurse comes in and gives me some medication to take ... two antibiotics and a Vicodin. They wanted to give me two Vicodins but i said one would be enough. At about 5AM the nurse's aid comes back to take my vitals again and removes the IV needle and i am allowed to go home with a stack of paperwork to read. So i call Roommate and he does not answer his phone so i call SB and ask her to wake Roommate up so that he can come get me.

~~~~ At about 6:15AM i finally get home and there is no point in going to sleep because i have to wake Son up shortly for school. So i talk to SB for a little while and then call my mom to let her know what is going on. i had tried calling while i was in the car on the way home but it went to her voice mail so i left a message but figured i should try again. This time i got a hold her and told her what happened and what the doctor said. She did not even remember me calling her last night and telling her that i was going into the ER. At 7:00AM i get Son up and ready for school and by 7:30AM he is out the door. So i call my lawyer and let him know what happened and then call my boss and tell him that i just spent all night in the ER and that i am not working today because i have not been to bed yet in over 24 hours and i need some sleep.

~~~~ i lay down to go to sleep and slept until about noon when i wake up because i have to go to the washroom again. i realize that Roommate never stopped by my room to tell me he was leaving for work so i look outside and his van is still in the driveway. i run up stairs and find him on his PC. He called into work because he was so tired he could not keep his eyes open and needed to get some sleep. i told him next time to let me know when he calls into work because he scared the crap out of me that he was so late for work and i did not know he had called in. Now i have to get dressed for the day and ready to get my prescriptions filled and to take Son to his doctors appointment for a checkup and to get the referral for an Electrocardiogram to see if he has the same heart condition as one of his sisters.

~~~~ AP and MB left Saturday evening to head back to OH. AP has a doctors appointment Monday and MB has physical therapy for his leg so they could only stay out for a week. SB is still here and that is great but i miss AP. She is my best friend and i do not get to see her all that much although we do talk on the phone almost every day. She lives over 7 hours away from me and her husband will not let her come out here to visit unless someone else pays for it and drives and she just tags along. Maybe i can get her back out here when my parents come out to visit. They should be coming out soon as we still have not done our Christmas gifts with them. Yes i know it is March but i have not seen my mom and dad since Thanksgiving as they also live 7 hours away from me.

~~~~ AP and i had a great time while she was out here. We laughed and joked and just had a blast picking on everything and everyone. She and SB got along great too. So that is wonderful. AP went to the office with me and helped get somethings ready for the move to the new office and jumped right into joking around with my bosses. It was so hilarious and we all laughed a ton that night. my bosses really seemed to like her and had a great time too.

~~~~ Son really loved having his uncle (MB) here. He really loves all of his uncles and loves spending time with them. Then again Son loves spending time with any male that will pay attention to him and spend time with him because his father does not seem to do that even when he only sees Son every other weekend. Son was not happy to find out that MB and AP left while he was at his dad's for the weekend and wants to call them and ask them to come back out to visit longer. Though he is happy that SB is still here.

~~~~ i am sitting here in my living room with my middle brother (MB) and AP. They came out to visit me for a week. MB fixed my laptop because i got a virus on it from myspace chat and fixed our internet so that it runs faster. MB is now watching a movie on his laptop with earphones on so that he is in his own little world. AP is reading my written journal that i started back in December of 2006. While upstairs in Roommates room another friend SB is on the desktop and talking to someone on her cell. Son is due home in about ten minutes and Roommate is at work. We have a full house this week. SB is up from southern IL. She has been here for over a week already and should be here for the rest of this week as well.

~~~~ It is really nice though i have missed having a full house of people that are not always screaming and yelling. We can all sit and do our own things or we can call talk and play games. In face when Roommate gets home i am going to see if he wants to get everyone together and play Apples to Apples it is a really fun game. We played it last Saturday night with SB, E (SB's friend) who came over, TH, NH, CL, M_, and Son. We all had a great time and want to have everyone but E over again to play it this weekend as well, while Son is at his dad's for the weekend. It is a lot more fun to play when you do not have to edit what you want to say because of a little kid in the room. Everyone was good though with Son and loved that he was playing. i do not know if AP or MB have ever played the game so we will have to see.

~~~~ i have court tomorrow and SB and AP are talking about coming to court with me. That will be very interesting to see. They have been told to behave and not ague with my lawyer or my judge. We will see how things go but i know i am not getting my divorce. i am probably going to trial and that sucks. But i do not want to blog about my divorce because all that will do is upset me and stress me out.