Forever In Search Of my Muse

~~~~ There is so much going on in my life right now that i am worried or upset about that i am having a hard time relaxing again. So i have picked up my crocheting with more determination lately. Between everything with my dad and stuff with a couple of my dear friends and then everything that is or is not going on between Roommate and i. Lets just say i have my plate full and need to spend some time on me.

~~~~ my "me time" finds my crochet hook going in one project after another. i am finishing a baby blanket for a baby that was just recently born so that i can get it sent out to OH to the mother for her. i am also making squares for a Ravelry group as i said in my last post. This group puts the squares that are donated from all over the world together to make a blanket for someone who needs it in some way. Plus i am making a drawstring pouch as a gift for someone to say thank you for caring even though we do not really know each other very well.

~~~~ i have found that i am even crocheting while i am making calls for work. If i am on hold or waiting for the phone to be answered my hook is flying through one of my projects. i also found a pattern to crochet a flogger with and without beads. Now i just need to get the right type of yarn for it and then i will be making at least 4 of them maybe more depending on who wants them. i know i am making one with and one without beads for me then i just need to find someone to use it. i know who i want to do that but only time will tell if that is every going to happen. Though things look like they may be heading that way in the future. i just need to give them time and space for both of us to heal and deal with what is going on in our lives.

~~~~ i am also going to be taking the written test soon so that i can get my learners permit for driving and that has me worried. i am very scared of driving because of accidents that have happened to me in the past... ie. getting hit by the car while walking. But i need to learn to drive and be more independent for both myself and Son. Roommate is willing to teach me to drive and has been driving me where i need to go for years and it will be nice to be able to do it on my own when i have to. i am doing well at learning to live on my own. There are still somethings that i need help with but most it i am doing for myself.

~~~~ i love wind chimes of kinds. i have them hanging in every room of my home and outside my back door. They way they sound and the wonderful designs they come in are just absolutely beautiful.

~~~~ i find the sounds of them so very relaxing as they tinkle, chime, ring, and gong from the wind. It matters not the material that they are made from: glass, wood, metal, shell, or any other thing that makes a beautiful sound i want them.

~~~~ i have just recently found out that my dad who is 72 has lung cancer and now they need to do a brain scan before he can start his chemo to see if there is cancer there too. He has been very confused and suffering from exhaustion lately and that could be from cancer in the brain or lack of sleep because he has been so worried. So now we have to see what the scans say before they start the chemo. The results of the scans will dictate what type of chemo he gets and all that fun stuff. On top of all of this i am the one that has to be strong for my family. Anytime anything happens with my family i am the one that everyone turns to. i just do not know if i have the strength deal with all of this when i am still healing from everything that i have been through. i talked to Roommate and he said he will try to be there for me but with everything in his life that is going on he is not sure how strong he will be for me. He needs time to heal too after i hurt him during my three year long divorce. He was always there for me and needs time to deal with his life and to get his strength back.

~~~~ i do have other friends that i know will be there for me there is AP who has told me that she will take a bus out here to drive Son and i back to OH any time that i want to as long as my car is running. (Though at the moment my car is not running AGAIN. It seems that every time i take my car in to get fixed in some way it comes back with a dead battery. GRRR.) Then i have a very dear friend that i talk to on Face book a lot. i have been talking to him for years and even though he lives in another country i know he will be there for me to talk to when i need to. Plus i just got two of my friends from my divorce back into my life. i am learning to trust them again but i know that they will be there for me if i need them to be.

~~~~ As i write about my dad's cancer and my friends my wind chimes are tinkling and ringing in the wind. They sound so beautiful and relaxing. And right now i need that. Plus i need to get off the laptop and get started on my laundry it is piling up here and i need to work on crocheting more squares for one of my groups on Ravelry.

~~~~ It has been a very long time since i have posted to any of my blogs and i need to start getting back into my routines. my small apartment is still full of boxes, bags, and totes of things that need to be unpacked, sorted, decided on and either tossed, donated, or put away. i just feel so very overwhelmed. i need to do what FLYlady says and do things 15 minutes at a time but right now i can not even seem to think about doing that.

~~~~ i know, i know i just need to stop thinking and start doing and once i start i will be able to finish. i will feel a lot better and be a lot more relaxed once it is done i just have to do it. Oh the fun.

~~~~ Son has been at his father's for the last month so he has not had to see or live with any of this mess as everything was slowly brought over here. i do have a lot of things done it just does not feel like it with the last of everything being stacked everywhere.

~~~~ Okay well i had better get off of here and stop procrastinating and start working so that i can have a clean and comfortable home. 15 minutes of working means 15 minutes of relaxing in a cleaner and more comfortable home. Timer here i come.

~~~~ Oh the joys of it all. i am moving Son and i out of the house that we share with Roommate and into an apartment of our own. It is time that we have our own place with our own rules and belongs. Do not get me wrong i love living with Roommate and part of me does not want to move out. Roommate is not kicking me out either it is just time for Son and i to have our own place. Even though it is only 5 or so houses down the street in some very nice apartments. Roommate will still be helping me with somethings and we are still extremely close friends nothing is going to change that.

~~~~ Today mom and i moved 4 dressers up stairs into my apartment as well as a small but sturdy end table that i am going to use as a TV stand, a gliding rocking chair and foot stool, an antique hutch that will used for my microwave stand and added storage in my kitchen, and a book shelfish top of a hutch to be put on one of my dressers. All of this beautiful furniture was found and bought at thrift stores today. i also say a really really beautiful small chest of drawers that i really really really really want but could not get because it was POURING rain and there is no cap on the back of my dad's truck. We are hoping it will be there tomorrow when we go back to look for a couch and that the weather will be nice so that we can get that too. Yes, my dad is out visiting with my mom but he can not help move things because he has a very bad shoulder and back. Not really a problem mom and i did just fine doing it all. Roommate said he and maybe another friend will help me with the truly heavy stuff like my desk, plus the difficult stuff like my mattress and box spring when i get back from OH. Yep, in the middle of me moving Son and i are taking a weeks vacation and going to OH to see all of my family. Roommate will be coming out at the end of the week to celebrate Son's birthday and pick us up.

~~~~ i will post pictures when i get everything moved in and set up. i can not wait to see it all done. Besides moving stuff in we Old Englished the antique hutch and all the wood furniture that we got, wiped down the walls, Clorox wiped down the kitchen cabinets and dresser drawers and the fridge, and wiped off the dust on the registers. Tomorrow i get to wipe down all the closet shelves, scrub out the kitchen sink and bathtub, change the toilet seat, mop the kitchen and bathroom floors, and steam clean the carpets. Plus start moving some of more of our stuff in there.

~~~~ Roommate had to go and visit a friend of ours this weekend so he is really not able to help but that is okay. He will help when he gets back and with the rest of the stuff that needs to be moved out of his house. This is something that really needed to be done and could not be put off so i completely understand.

~~~~ When i was in high school every year i would play in the Memorial Day parade with the marching band. Believe it or not even though it was usually sweltering hot i loved doing it. It always meant a lot to me. With so many of my family that have been in the Armed Services now including my brother who was a Marine. i tried to join the Navy right out of high school but i did not make it due to injury. (Long story.)

~~~~ But i do greatly respect and honor all those that choose to serve our country. Many of my classmates are among them and i thank them all. i am thinking about contacting my local book store, Paige Turner Books, to talk to the owner about crocheting handmade blankets form some of our wounded or even non-wounded heroes that might want them. The family that owns the book store does a lot of work with groups that support our troops and they should know how i can go about doing this.

~~~~ Yes, i give away most of what i make to others as gifts for Christmas, baby showers, or donations to hospitals and such. It is the best i can do for others, to give them something that they can cherish and use that was made with love. my mom buys me tons of mill ends one pound bags of yarn form a craft store called Pat Catan's that is very near where she works. She knows i love to crochet and am leaning to knit and that it helps with my stress so she helps me with that. Through that i can help others one of the best ways that i can right now.

~~~~ Ohh yeah and i have been writing this blog for a year now. i really enjoy doing it and i know at least one person reads it but i am not sure of how many others that do and that really does not matter. It gives me a place to express myself.

~~~~ Okay i admit i have a problem. i am a bookaholic. i even tried to create a 12 step program to help cure me but it turned out like this instead.......
12-Step Program for Bookaholics

Hello, my name is _________ and I am a bookaholic!

Step 1: Buy a book.

Step 2: Read it.

Step 3: Touch the book, smell the book, feel it, and turn the pages.

Step 4: Languish lovingly over each perfectly typed letter. Let each word stroke your imagination. Let each sentence fill you. Each paragraph make your heart beat with anticipation for the next onslaught of pleasurable phrases. Each chapter make you gasp for breath. As it leaves you wanting more while the excitement builds.

Step 5: get to end of book, fall into deep depression, cry, throw the book (THE BOOK ENDED), pick book up off of bed, caress binding lovingly, place book on bookshelf.

Step 6: run to library or bookstore and get 10 more books to cure depression. Take books home, and finger each one trying to figure out which to read next. SCREAM and CUSS because you have picked up books 2 and 3 of a series but not book 1. Choose from the other 8 which book to read while HUNTING sleeplessly for missing book 1.

STEP 7: Pick fourth choice book (#1-3 being the 1st book in the series missing and the 2 you are dieing to read) read inferior book (to the missing book that you are still searching for) and think of how grand life would be if only you had the one book to start you onto the books you truly wish to read. search bookstores/libraries/online as you carry list in pocket or purse everywhere with ISBN #, title of book, and Authors name becoming faded. Find book one online 1st edition signed and wish you had $20,000. continue with book you are reading, it is just so hard to get into, you should be enjoying it (is it not printed just like every other book?)

STEP8: find missing book one in used bookstore slightly disheveled but readable. Toss inferior replacement book in corner and immediately start to devour the the books in the series. Finding after the third book the are 9 more books in the series and it has taken you 3 months to get through the books, for they where not as good as was promised to you by your mind. Pick up book from the corner where it has laid waiting for you. Reread from the beginning for you have forgot what it said. Finish book in one night unable to sleep nor put it down. repeat step 5

Step 9: start book from the books lying around you have yet to read ...payday comes and you see that times are hard you think "food or book" with the little money left over from paying bills. decide to go to Aldi or get together with your group of book lovers and shop at Sams (or other discount food place or mega food center with products made for restaurant business) splitting the cost and dividing to groceries between everyone in the parking lot. drive in caravan to bookstore and buy the book you want or which ever one strikes your eye. feel elated cause you not only provided for sustenance but also injected another book fulfilling the craving for your habit.

Step 10: Lone out a book that you have read to a friend and then go nuts because that is the book that you are craving to read again and you have not gotten it back yet. So you seriously think about buying another copy of the book and letting your friend keep that one. Alas as we have said money is tight so you do not buy another copy of a book you already own you just wait for your friend to finish it and when you can take it no longer you ask your friend if they are done with it and they tell you they just started it yesterday. Mumbling to yourself how you have wanted to read this books for weeks you smile and say "Oh it is great you will love it. Tell what you think of it when you finish it." Then you slink off to read a second choice book because you have to read something after all.

Step 11: You find that your second choice book is so good that housework goes undone and sleep is put off until the book is finished. Then you look around the house and say, "Shit i did it again and i said i would stop doing this." Then spend the next few days catching up on all the neglected house work.
~~~ This can be very bad when you work from home too because it is so much easier to put off going to work that way. ~~~

Step 12: When asked what you want for Christmas / Birthday / Anniversary by family and friends your answer is gift cards to book stores because you do not want to have to wait for that special day to get the book you want to read when you want to read it. Only to find out they got you something else instead. And, when asked what you want for Christmas besides gift cards to bookstores you REALLY have to think about it and can not come up with anything

*****START OVER AT STEP ONE*****

~~~~ Then i came up with wedding vows for bookaholics.....

~~~~ Last night Roommate and i were running some errands after Son was picked up by his father for the weekend. We went to the local book store Paige Turner Books. Then we stopped at Dunkin Doughnuts and got some treats for ourselves and headed off to Walmart. It was a really nice and warm day so i was wearing my nice white blousy neck tank top and left my jacket in the car. So i run into Walmart and Roommate stays in the car. i spend a while in there getting what we need and looking for a few things that they did not have. Then waiting in the check out line for the cashier to ring out the family in front of me because he forgot all their coupons. So 20minutes later i am leaving the store and am half to the car when the skies open up and start pouring rain on my nice white (now see through) top. Roommate of course is laughing at me as i run to the car and put the bags into the backseat before jumping into the front passenger seat.

~~~~ Then it happens the first strike of lightning and then another. i am now trying to hide my eyes and stay calm. Roommate is no longer laughing at me and is talking to me calmly trying to keep my calm. We get the grocery store and he was going to stay in the car but decides to walk in with me so that i am not walking through the parking lot alone with the lightning. While we are getting what we need there rain and lightning stop of course.

~~~~ However they start back up as soon as we get out of the store and the storm gets worse. By the time we drove home. Maybe 3 minutes away the storm is really bad and i am really close to an anxiety attack. I HATE LIGHTNING. i am completely TERRIFIED of it. So we get home and get all the stuff inside and the groceries put away. i then have my anxiety attack and hide for about an hour and a half while i jump ahead on the FLYlady steps looking for something to do to keep me busy and not thinking about the storm outside so i made my control journal. (Pictures will be posted on my FLYing blog when i get to that step.)

~~~~ After an hour and a half the storm has passed and Roommate and i go out to dinner at a restaurant that we really like in Kenosha. We had a good time talking to some of the other regulars there and reading for a while. Then it was home and off to bed. i was getting a headache that was threatening to become and migraine after my anxiety attack. However this is about 2am and i did not fall asleep until about 5am. i even got up and changed the hose on the hand held shower head. (One of the things bought at Walmart) Roommate said he was going to do it today but i did it last night because i could not sleep and it was on my mind.

~~~~ Today is day two of FLYing for me. Yesterday i felt better so i shined my sink and i did it just like she said to on her website. Now i can not see myself in it but it is clean and shiny. Today i got dressed to my bare feet. It is supposed to be to my shoes my shoes but i do not wear shoes in the house. Plus it is so nice outside i am going to be wearing my sandals when i go out later. Roommate left a bunch of dishes in the sink this morning when he left for work so it was not all nice and shiny when i woke up at 10 but i washed the dishes and cleaned the sink so it is all shiny again for him to come home to.

~~~~ i really do feel good about getting this done. i just feel so overwhelmed with everything that needs to be done and this website really breaks it all down into small easy to do bits that i can get done rather quickly so that i still have time for the other things that i need to do too.

~~~~ i think i may do what my friend has done as well and start another blog to keep track of how i do with my FLYing so that it is not all i talk about on here. In fact i think i am going to do that right now and i kind of know what i want it to look like too.