Forever In Search Of my Muse

~~~~ No, i am not pregnant before all questions start. i just can not drink alcohol myself because i am allergic to it. It is not a pretty thing when i drink anything with alcohol, even mouthwash with alcohol gives me trouble so i just stay away from it.

~~~~ But this is about why i do not like being around people who are drinking or have been drinking alcohol.

~~~~ When i was little i am not really sure how old i just know i was much younger and that my oldest half sister and her husband were living with us at the house. i would say i was no more then 5 at the time maybe even younger because it was before we moved to Cincinnati half way through my kindergarten year of school. But anyway, i do not know what time of year it was either but i know it was not Christmas time because there was no tree in the living room even though my dad was reading me The Night Before Christmas that was just my favorite book at the time. Well, my sister and her husband were downstairs in their room and i was upstairs in mine as Dad read me the story and we heard my sister crying, yelling, and screaming for Dad to help her and we heard my brother in law yelling at her to shut up and the sound of someone being hit. i do not remember what Dad said but i do remember saying, "Daddy, that's not part of the book." as Dad swore and closed the book. He looked at me and told me to stay in bed but i did not as soon as he left my room i followed him down the stairs and watched from the bottom stair peeking around into the hallway where the door to my sister's room was. (Now you have to understand that my oldest sister has always been my favorite sister and she has had a lot of problems with drinking and drugs though she and her husband are both sober and clean now.) Dad was pounding on the door and yelling to be let in but the door was locked and my sister was screaming for help. Dad warned my brother-in-law to stop but he did not and he did not open the door when Dad told him to so Dad kicked it in and sent the metal plate on the wall, the one that the door latches and locks into so that you can not just push it open even it it is locked, flying through the room where it nailed my brother-in-law in the forehead. Dad dragged him out of the room and i think out of the house. i do not know what happened after that because Mom saw me standing on the stairs when she was running to the room to check on my sister and see what if any medical help was needed and i got sent back up to my room and told to get my butt in bed right then. Believe me i did, i was scared and i was upset but i really did not know what was going on. i am not sure how much later that night Mom and Dad both came up to my room and told me that my sister was going to be okay and that my brother-in-law had been drinking alcohol and hitting her but that he was gone now so she was safe and so was i and my oldest brother who is two years younger then me. i do not know if they called the police and had my brother-in-law taken away or they just kicked him out, but if they had called the police it would have taken a long time for them to get there because the town i grew up still to this day does not have it's own police force they have to rely on the State Troopers to respond to any call.

~~~~ Now because of that night 20+ years ago i am very uncomfortable around anyone who is or has recently consumed alcohol. i do not like going to bars or parties where alcohol is available, if i ever get re-married i will have a dry reception, i do not like alcohol in my house and i do not like people around Son when they have alcohol in their system. Even when my estranged husband would drink i was very uncomfortable about being around him and he knew this very well but still took me to bars when we would get off from working a concert together or have a few drinks with a dinner when we would go out to eat and once in a while bring it home and have it sitting in the fridge to drink while he was home with the kids. This would upset me to no end and i would repeatedly ask him not to do it but he always would and it always made me feel like he was doing it because i did not want him to.

~~~~ Roommate used to keep a 6 pack in the house so he could have one after work if he wanted to. Now, because it makes me uncomfortable he does not even buy any and he has walked to the bar once in the two years that i have been living here to get a single beer. When my middle brother is out to visit they will buy a couple single beers at the store and sit outside and drink them while they talk and smoke a cigarette or two but that is maybe twice a year. Gee the difference is amazing and Roommate and i are just friends and he is willing to make those changes for me while i rent two rooms from him, yet the man that i was married to and who was supposed to love and respect me would not.

~~~~ i have been so stressed with everything that is going on with my divorce that my health has really been messed up. i swear by the end of this i am going to have an ulcer. i have been eating tums "like candy" lately because of heart burn and acid reflux. i have gained weight because i have taken to eating when i am trying to relax or munching while i am reading a book and not noticing how much i have "munched" until the bag of whatever it was is empty. my sleep has suffered because i either can not fall asleep or i have very strange dreams and i wake up unrested. i have been having anxiety attacks and breaking down in tears for no reason at all or over absolutely stupid insignificant stuff like the toilet did not flush all the way or some other unimportant trivial things.

~~~~ Take Sunday night for example i broke down and cried for three hours and i do not even know what set me to crying. Poor Roommate was trying so hard to help me calm down and relax. He was worried about me and was trying to calm me down so that we could talk and figure out what was upsetting me. Everything that has been upsetting me came pouring out. All the things with my divorce and custody battle and just everything with everything. It is all just too much and i can not take any more of it. my divorce is affecting every other area of my life and i just can not take it anymore. i have been stuck in this holding pattern for over two years now and that does not count the time while i was still living with my estranged and feeling this way. i have not been able to write my poetry for a while now and i do not want to do anything around the house or at work. All i want to do is curl up in a corner somewhere and hide.

~~~~ my friends have told me to try meditating, coloring, crocheting, going for walks, and every other thing that they can think of that used to help me relax and i have tried. i can not seem to meditate because i can not get my mind to stop working and going over everything again and again and trying to figure out how to get out of the situation that i am in and get on with my life. i can not seem to even get up the interest in anything to color it and i have all kinds of coloring books, posters, pictures, and geometric designs that do not hold my interest for more then 10 min.s at a time. i have several blankets that i have started crocheting and not finished because i can not seem to get up the motivation to keep working on them. Therefore they sit there half done waiting for me to come back to them. As for going for walks that is something that i want to do but not by myself and Roommate is busy and my other friends are so far away that i can not just give them a call and say hey go for a walk with me. Not to mention my back and hips are messed up from the accident and the weight i have gained does not help them any. i would just talk to my friends on the phone as i walk but i need someone with me in case something happens with my back or hips and i need help. i know excuses excuses. As i say,"Yeah buts are like rabbits they keep multiplying" and we all now yeah buts are how excuses are started, "Yeah, but ........."

~~~~ i know i need to relax and let this stress go or it is going to kill me. i just need to find a way that works right now. Maybe i should try yoga i always see those yoga shows on TV and i have been calling a lot of yoga studios for work and the list seems to be never ending. Plus listening to music seems to help at least for a little while and so does reading if only i could break the habit of munching while i read. (Chewing gum instead will not work i always end up swallowing the gum right away.) i just wish the divorce and custody battle were done so that all this stress from it would go away.

~~~~ For as long as i have lived in IL. i have wanted to go to the Ren Faire and finally two years ago Roommate took me for the first time because it is not too far from where we live and he loves going there and i had been saying for the years that we have been friends that i have wanted to go.

~~~~ my first year there i found a real corset there that i wanted so badly i saved up all summer for it and bought it for $290. It is a gorgeous reversible purple green and silver with metal stays. i have also gotten a couple sets of Tarot Cards and a set of Runes from there as well as some books. Last year i bought a dress i found that i have always dreamed of having. It is similar to the dress that Vanessa Redgrave wore as Guenevere in the 1967 movie of Camelot.

~~~~ i love to be able to walk around the fair and see all the people that dress up either as Lords and Ladies of the Court or Elves, Fairies, and other forest creatures. It is a lot of fun to just walk around and watch the people. i also enjoy watching the Hawking Demonstrations and the Jousts and Battles. i have always been fascinated by the Elizabethan Era or Tudor Era as it has been called. Some of the shows there are a lot of fun to sit and watch others can be ... well ... shall we say, "Not my style of entertainment" but i like watching other people enjoy them. i really enjoy being able to walk around and call people m'Lord and m'Lady without having everyone look at me like i have lost my mind or something.

~~~~ Son greatly enjoys going there as well and always asks when we will be going back. He has some the wooden swords that they sell there as well as a really nice walking stick that he wanted. He loves to watch the blacksmith and the glassblowers ply their trade as well as the knights and falconers show their skills. The look on his face as he discovers what he thought to be a statue of a fairy to be a work of living art, that is to say a person sitting so still you think they are a statue. They are all over the place if you keep your eyes out for them. They also have rides that my son is always begging to go on that are run my human power not horses or electricity.

~~~~ Roommate has been going for many years and has bought several things there including a staff with a Kudu horn on the top of it as well as his first two Australian Slouch Hats, his leather top hat, and his cane. Son and i got him an incense burner for cone incense in the shape of a skunk with his tail raised. You put the incense cone under the skunk and the smoke comes out the back of it looking like the skunk is spraying. It is really very cute and since my roommate loves skunks it was the perfect birthday gift for him.

~~~~ We all have a great time when we go and i can not wait to go again this year it opens on July 11Th and is open every weekend through Labor Day Weekend. Hopefully this year as in the past two years i will be able to go more then just one weekend. There is so much there that i would still love to get but do not have the money for. Though this year i think i am going to get some of the hand made and hand painted journals that are sold in one of the booths. i just can not wait to see what else is there this year every year it changes a little.

~~~~ This year i am hoping to remember to bring my camera to get pictures of the living art that is walking around and posed all over the Faire Grounds. i have meant to do it the past two years but have never seemed to remember bring my camera when it comes time to go.

~~~~ It has been a few days since the 4Th of July that Sunday i was busy with Son and spending time with him and Monday i worked all day in the store that i work at and today well today was fun, but i will get to that later in this blog.

~~~~ i had a great time on the 4Th Roommate and i took Son to see the fireworks near out home and we all enjoyed them greatly. While waiting for the fireworks to start some stupid teenager through a cheap fire cracker of some kind that he had lit and it landed in the dry grass not to far from us and was still burning but had not gone off like it should have and was smoking really badly. There was a lady not to far that was coughing and commenting as to what an idiot this kid was. Now i had a 2 liter soda bottle with me full of hot water to help with my menstrual cramps so i used the water in the bottle to put out the burning fire cracker of some kind. The lady near us thanked me and i noticed that she had a young boy with here about 5 years old that she had been worried about getting hurt because of that idiot kids actions. This little boy and Son, who just turned 10, became fast friends and they were running abound and having a good time while the fireworks that were actually there to see went off. i greatly enjoyed the show and Son had fun watching them and running around with his new friend. i talked to the lady for a little while and we have become acquaintances that could turn into a good friendship over time. Now we did not do the whole picnic and carnival thing like my family does in Ohio but i still had a great time and so did Son. Plus we are having a problem with mosquitoes out here they are very numerous because of all the wet weather we have been having and make it very hard to stay outside for any length of time without spraying yourself and others with off and or using incense or candles with citronella in them. i use Gonesh Outdoor Incense with citronella and it works if you are going to be sitting in one place and not have kids running all around but i know Son well and that would not have worked for him so i decided to try the OFF Clip Ons that they been advertising on TV for months now and they really worked. What is nice about those is you just turn them on and clip them to you belt or pocket just like you would a cellphone case and they cover you from head to toe and well too without all that nasty oily crap being sprayed all over your skin and hair.

~~~~ Now as to why i said today was fun well it is no longer today as it now after midnight so i will give the date. July 7th i woke up around 6am with my lip feeling funny like it was swollen and numb i really did not think overly much about it and went to find where Roommate had fallen asleep because the TV was still on in the living room and he needed to get up for work. When i found him sitting at his PC in his bedroom wide awake. i asked him what was wrong with my lip because it felt swollen but just my upper lip not my whole mouth or both lips even. He said yes it was swollen and asked what i had been bit by. i told him nothing as far as i know but that it just felt really weird. i took some Claritin and put an icepack on lip. The swelling went down while the ice was on my lip but as soon as the ice was taken off the swelling went right back up again. Roommate was worried about the swelling because of where it was and what it could cause so he stayed home to make sure i was okay and take me somewhere for help if i needed it. i called the doctor's office and they told me to come in. So Roommate drove me to the doctor's office and i was put on a steroid treatment and gave me an EPIPEN as well to always carry with me in case this allergic reaction comes back stronger next time. Because that is what they say this is, an allergic reaction to something that i came in contact with or ate but i have not touched or eaten anything different lately. i just have to be careful and keep a closer eye on the things i am working with to see if it is anything there that caused this.