Forever In Search Of my Muse

~~~~ i have been so stressed with everything that is going on with my divorce that my health has really been messed up. i swear by the end of this i am going to have an ulcer. i have been eating tums "like candy" lately because of heart burn and acid reflux. i have gained weight because i have taken to eating when i am trying to relax or munching while i am reading a book and not noticing how much i have "munched" until the bag of whatever it was is empty. my sleep has suffered because i either can not fall asleep or i have very strange dreams and i wake up unrested. i have been having anxiety attacks and breaking down in tears for no reason at all or over absolutely stupid insignificant stuff like the toilet did not flush all the way or some other unimportant trivial things.

~~~~ Take Sunday night for example i broke down and cried for three hours and i do not even know what set me to crying. Poor Roommate was trying so hard to help me calm down and relax. He was worried about me and was trying to calm me down so that we could talk and figure out what was upsetting me. Everything that has been upsetting me came pouring out. All the things with my divorce and custody battle and just everything with everything. It is all just too much and i can not take any more of it. my divorce is affecting every other area of my life and i just can not take it anymore. i have been stuck in this holding pattern for over two years now and that does not count the time while i was still living with my estranged and feeling this way. i have not been able to write my poetry for a while now and i do not want to do anything around the house or at work. All i want to do is curl up in a corner somewhere and hide.

~~~~ my friends have told me to try meditating, coloring, crocheting, going for walks, and every other thing that they can think of that used to help me relax and i have tried. i can not seem to meditate because i can not get my mind to stop working and going over everything again and again and trying to figure out how to get out of the situation that i am in and get on with my life. i can not seem to even get up the interest in anything to color it and i have all kinds of coloring books, posters, pictures, and geometric designs that do not hold my interest for more then 10 min.s at a time. i have several blankets that i have started crocheting and not finished because i can not seem to get up the motivation to keep working on them. Therefore they sit there half done waiting for me to come back to them. As for going for walks that is something that i want to do but not by myself and Roommate is busy and my other friends are so far away that i can not just give them a call and say hey go for a walk with me. Not to mention my back and hips are messed up from the accident and the weight i have gained does not help them any. i would just talk to my friends on the phone as i walk but i need someone with me in case something happens with my back or hips and i need help. i know excuses excuses. As i say,"Yeah buts are like rabbits they keep multiplying" and we all now yeah buts are how excuses are started, "Yeah, but ........."

~~~~ i know i need to relax and let this stress go or it is going to kill me. i just need to find a way that works right now. Maybe i should try yoga i always see those yoga shows on TV and i have been calling a lot of yoga studios for work and the list seems to be never ending. Plus listening to music seems to help at least for a little while and so does reading if only i could break the habit of munching while i read. (Chewing gum instead will not work i always end up swallowing the gum right away.) i just wish the divorce and custody battle were done so that all this stress from it would go away.