Sunday, September 26, 2010

~~~~ Yesterday Roommate took me to go and get my ID changed to my new address and to take the written test so that i can get my learners permit to drive. i did really well with it and only got two wrong. One question and one sign. The answer to the question should have been "all of the above" but the way the question was worded i chose the answer that fit best. With the sign it was just a plan yellow circle no words or markings in it and i could not remember that it meant rail road crossing until i turned the test in. Oh well two wrong is not bad. While i was taking the test Roommate watched Son for me so that he was not left alone and he was not allowed with me while i was taking the test.

~~~~ After the test Roommate took us to Dunkin' Doughnuts to get some treats. Son got a HUGE blueberry muffin, Roommate got an extra large blueberry coffee with sugar and cream, and he got a pumpkin coffee with sugar and cream as well as a pumpkin doughnut because they were out of pumpkin muffins. Then we went to some abandon roads in town that turned out not to be so abandoned that day. i drove on them for about half an hour and tried to back up and everything. i need a lot my practice. i did not do to badly but i did not do to great either.

~~~~ Hopefully we can go driving again today and Son will be better behaved this time. He kept making comments from the backseat and it did not help me any. By the time we got home, Roommate drove us because i am not ready for the main roads yet, i was shaking like a leaf in a hurricane. Roommate was very sweet and helped me calm down a little and cracked my lower back for me because it was tight and hurting. Then gave me two hugs before he left to head home so that he could get ready for his bowling league thing he had last night. (i wonder how he did.)

~~~~ i hate driving but i know that i have to learn so i am working on it and in time i know i will not be as scared as i am now. i do not think i will every truly love it but then i could be wrong i am trying to keep an open mind about it. But as long as i do it once in a while and am comfortable doing it with Son in the car i will know i can do it when i have to. Right now i am not comfortable enough to even drive on the main roads here but i did get up to 40mph and that is a huge thing for me because at first i could not stand going that speed i was too scared. One thing at a time and i will get there. i am just so glad that Roommate is so calm and patient with me.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

~~~~ i have been trying to tell someone how i truly feel about them for a very long time. And that i am very sorry that i ever hurt them. They are having a hard time receiving my message because of the pain and the fear of getting hurt again if they open up their heart. So i have decided to send my message for them into the Universe and when the time is right they will cross the energy of the message and feel it in there heart that i am being honest with my words. i am going to write down everything i want to say to them in a letter and then on the full moon, September 23 at 4:18AM,  i am going to burn this letter with some sage and release it into the Universe. Then what is meant be will be, and what is meant to happen will happen in its own time. i am giving it up to the Goddess in all her glory, power, wisdom, and love to decide what is right and when.
~~~~ i have been hurting myself and them for far to long with this and it is time i stop and let the higher powers show me the correct way to deal with it. It is time i let myself heal and forgive myself so that they can heal and forgive me as well. Only then can we move on with our lives in the way that is meant to be, whatever that may be. i do love this person dearly and have for a long time. i feel absolutely horrible that i hurt them the way i did and that i did it without knowing that i was doing it. They have been there for me and helped me through many things that have happened lately in my life and i am eternally grateful to have them in my life. i do not know what i would have done or would do without their help, love, and support. 

~~~~ i truly hope that my gut feelings about this situation are correct and things will turn out the way that i would like them to but i know that what is meant to happen will happen and i have to accept that. i can not change the past and what i did i can only learn from it and if i ruined my dreams with my actions then that is the outcome i have to accept and live with. 

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

~~~~ There is so much going on in my life right now that i am worried or upset about that i am having a hard time relaxing again. So i have picked up my crocheting with more determination lately. Between everything with my dad and stuff with a couple of my dear friends and then everything that is or is not going on between Roommate and i. Lets just say i have my plate full and need to spend some time on me.

~~~~ my "me time" finds my crochet hook going in one project after another. i am finishing a baby blanket for a baby that was just recently born so that i can get it sent out to OH to the mother for her. i am also making squares for a Ravelry group as i said in my last post. This group puts the squares that are donated from all over the world together to make a blanket for someone who needs it in some way. Plus i am making a drawstring pouch as a gift for someone to say thank you for caring even though we do not really know each other very well.

~~~~ i have found that i am even crocheting while i am making calls for work. If i am on hold or waiting for the phone to be answered my hook is flying through one of my projects. i also found a pattern to crochet a flogger with and without beads. Now i just need to get the right type of yarn for it and then i will be making at least 4 of them maybe more depending on who wants them. i know i am making one with and one without beads for me then i just need to find someone to use it. i know who i want to do that but only time will tell if that is every going to happen. Though things look like they may be heading that way in the future. i just need to give them time and space for both of us to heal and deal with what is going on in our lives.

~~~~ i am also going to be taking the written test soon so that i can get my learners permit for driving and that has me worried. i am very scared of driving because of accidents that have happened to me in the past... ie. getting hit by the car while walking. But i need to learn to drive and be more independent for both myself and Son. Roommate is willing to teach me to drive and has been driving me where i need to go for years and it will be nice to be able to do it on my own when i have to. i am doing well at learning to live on my own. There are still somethings that i need help with but most it i am doing for myself.