Sunday, November 29, 2009
~~~~ On the way to pick up Son from his father's on Black Friday my car decided it did not want to drive anymore. Roommate and i were maybe 5 minutes from getting Son and my transmission just stopped working. We were sitting in traffic waiting to merge and when it was our turn Roommate stepped on the gas and the car just sat there. It would not engage in any gear. Roommate had to get out and push the car off the street while i steered it into a parking lot and got it into a spot safely.
~~~~ So i had to call my friend S___ to come and pick me up so that i could get Son. Then we went back to my Car and picked up Roommate. i also called Suburban Transmissions and had them come and tow my car. But they said it would be over an hour and a half until they got my car so we left the keys inside Pepboys for the tow truck driver and went home.
~~~~ Now i have to wait until Monday to see if what is wrong with my car and if they are going to charge me to fix it. They fixed my transmission back in March of this year and it is still under warranty so we will see. If they do charge me to fix my car i hope it is not too much because i still have no money and my estranged owes me $3450 and i have not seen a penny of it yet.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
~~~~ Okay at last count i had 20 projects intended for specific people. That i need to get done 2 are blankets for Christmas gifts, 4 are blanket that i have promised to people and started, 4 are blankets that i have promised but not started yet, 2 are baby blankets i just found out about, 2 are baby hats, 2 are spit-up clothes, 1 scarf, and 1 hat and 1 pair of crocheted boxers.
~~~~ i have a feeling i am going to be crocheting for a long time to come before i can get to the hats that i want to make for the local hospitals and emergency response crews to give to babies, children and adults in need of them in the cold weather. i guess i better put down my books for a while and pick up my hooks and get to work. Hmmm i wonder if i can get away without doing as much of my chores around the house because i have all this crocheting to get done. i doubt Roommate and Son would be to happy about that though because my chores are the laundry and cooking dinner, Roommate washes the dishes and takes out the garbage, and Son helps keep the house neat and dusts. We all take turns cleaning the bathroom.
~~~~It looks like i am going to have to stop crocheting to the nice slow relaxing music and start using something that has more of an up beat tempo to it. i have found that i crochet to the tempo of the music the fast and more up beat the music the faster i crochet and i do not make more mistakes then normal so that is good thing. Now i just need to go and make a play list with the music i need to crochet to.Plus i can start crocheting while Roommate and i are watching our DVR'ed shows at night.
~~~~ Time to put on my wrist braces and get to work my hook and yarn in hand on my projects that need to get done before Christmas is here.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
~~~~ i know no matter what goes on in my life Roommate and AP can always make me laugh. If i listed all the inside jokes between AP and i people would really think us strange. Then again we are. Here is a small list
- 1. Neurological-Syphilis of the Puss
- 2. For Your Messed Up Togas.
- 3. Why won't you have sex with me? Fallowed by various reason and excuses for the answer. (This one is with Roommate)
- 4. My dick is hard.
- 5. Dah Da Da Dah, Dah Da Da Dah __________'s World
- 6. Leaves
- 7. Making the 50 foot women happy. (This one is also with Roommate)
- 8. Just making you feel at home.
- 9. Make my taters woman. (This one is with Roommate too)
- 10. Don't make me kill myself. i swear i will slice my finger with the scissors.
- 11. OO OO OO me man me fix. OO OO OO
~~~~ i can not imagine what my life would be like without AP or Roommate they have kept me sane in the face of insanity. And had me laughing when all i wanted to do was cry. i keep telling AP she needs to move out here and be closer to me but she will not do that. Then again the world might come to an end if we lived to close not to mention the phone companies would lose a lot of business. It is a good thing i have unlimited everything on my cell and she has me on her friends and family free list or our bills would be through the roof. Roommate and i are just that roommates so i do not need to call him like i do with AP he is just here when he is not working and we have some great laughs together and to see him and Son together is like watching to monkeys in a zoo. They are always goofing around and having fun.
~~~~ my estranged and her ex husband both tried to keep us apart but it did not work and her husband now does not like us talking because he feels she talks to me more then him. He also has this strange idea that i do not like him. i do not know where he gets it from. Just because i would love to strangle him and ring his lazy fat neck, does not mean that i do not like him does it? Okay, and there is the small detail that a lot of our inside jokes are at his expense, but he does not know about that. Oh well. AP and i still manage to talk to each other at least once a day sometimes a lot more then that. But when we live 7 hours apart and neither of us really has the money to visit the other all we have is the phone and the internet to keep us close and boy do we use them. But she always spends unwanted time with her husband whom we call "wifey" because he bitches, nags, and whines more then a woman does.
~~~~ Besides laughing all the time with my closest friends and Son i have been stitching away at my crocheting. Scarves and hats and fingerless gloves and blankets and lots of ideas for more stuff to make when i am done with all the projects i have started now. It is so much fun to sit with AP on speaker phone and laugh and talk to her while i just crochet away. We spent over an hour doing that today. It is our own version of the Stitch and Bitch that a lot of women who knit and crochet go to. Though i would love to find one of those out here and maybe learn to knit or learn some new crochet stitches and patterns.
Friday, November 13, 2009
~~~~ Being of very limited financial means this year i am making a lot of my Christmas presents for my family. i love to crochet and i can do it while riding in a car, on a train, waiting in a waiting room, watching TV, or laying in bed. i have two of my gifts done a hat and scarf set for one of my brothers in black and a hat and scarf set for that brother's girlfriend in light purple. (pictures on my photo blog soon i hope.)
~~~~ i am now working on a patchwork checkerboard blanket for an other brother in dark sage and milk chocolate. The squares are turning out great so far and the colors look wonderful bordered in black and put next to each other. i can not wait to see how this one turns out when it is done. (pictures to follow completion on my photo blog.)
~~~~ Once that blanket is done i have one more to make in shades of green. This one is for my third brother and his girlfriend. i think this one i am going to do in three shades of green if i can find them in the yarn i like that look great together and in a alternating granny square so that every round of the square is a different shade of the three greens. Think square bulls eye with three colors. (pictures to follow completion on my photo blog.)
~~~~ Once these gifts are done i can go back to all the other projects that i have started and need to finish around here. The blanket for my bed, one for Son, one for Roommate, and one for AP's daughter. Then i have several other friends that would love me to make blankets for their daughters. i also have a lot of baby hats i want to take to the hospital and drop off for the babies that are there. (no pictures of these yet but very soon) Plus i will be making more hats and maybe some blankets for the hospital and for any friends that get pregnant.
~~~~ i also want to find a pattern for fingerless gloves that i can make easily i think they would be really nice to have to keep my wrists warm while i am working on my crocheting. Plus i would love to give them as gifts to some people who i know would love something like that. i am just full of ideas as to what i want to make. Between all of that and all of the books i want to read i need to live forever to get it all done. But hey it is nice to always have something to do.
Monday, November 9, 2009
~~~~ i am tired of feeling worthless and stuck in my life. i hate my job and i have to force myself to do it and sound cheerful on the phone every day. i am tired of my boss telling me that i am not doing enough when he has no clue what i have been doing and of hearing him tell me i need to push to make sales. i can not push people into buying what they do not want or do not have money for in their stores. if i have to hear my boss say that K___ is doing better then i am, or making more sales, or in some way inferring that she is kicking my ass in something that is not even a competition one more time i swear i am going to scream. He is just adding to my feelings of worthlessness and i do not even think he realizes it. And when i tell me yeah yeah yeah i get it now stop he thinks i am being mellow dramatic or bitchy. When all i want is to try and keep the precious little bit of sanity that i have left.
~~~~ For this job that i have i am calling stores and offering them catalogs of products that they might want to sell. Then i have to keep calling them back and seeing if they want to order anything and if they are ready to order. i am so sick of hearing we love the products but we have no money to order anything right now call back next month. i work purely on commissions so when stores do not order i do not get paid for all the work that i have done and that in and of itself has a way of making one feel worthless. Adding to it the rantings of a boss who sits there as says that he is making sales all the time and that the economy is picking up when i am struggling to get through every call really just drives it home.
~~~~ On top of all of this i am still not divorced and it has been over two years since i left my estranged husband. He is supposed to be paying me $400 a month in maintenance (read alimony) and has not paid me since he bounced a check to me for Aprils payment and i am getting no child support either though Son has been living with me since the end of August. So i am struggling to pay my bills and make ends meet. i have had to borrow money from my parents and Roommate every month to pay my bills and feed myself and Son. It is getting beyond ridiculous as my estranged buys more pets and blows his money on crap that he does not need or use but cries that he has no money to pay me and does not want to pay child support. He spends money like it is burning a hole in his pocket and then cries that he can not pay his bills. He can buy new CD's and DVD's at every turn or take his fiance out to all these different places, but when any of children not just Son need something and ask for help he has no money to help them. Roommate and i have driven one of his other children up to see her friends when he would not even though she offered to pay for his gas to do so. His other daughter needs a winter coat so as soon as i get enough money to take care of what Son needs i am sending her the money to get a winter coat so that she does not freeze. i want my freedom from my estranged so that i can live my life for me and my son not under his control anymore. i am sick and tired of him making me feel worthless when he is the one that is worthless. He has a great job that he chooses not to work but according to him it is my fault that he does not get to work because i will not change mine and Son's lives around for him anymore. He chooses when he wants to work and then complains that there is no work when he does not even call in to see if there is any.
~~~~ December 28th will be our 11 year wedding anniversary and i really want to be divorced before then. i want to move on with my life and go to school. i want to take care of myself and Son without having to ask for help from anyone. i want to work at a job that i love and help people. Most of all i just want to get on with my life. i am so sick of feeling trapped at every turn of my life in every area of my life
I AM NOT WORHTLESS. I AM NOT WORTHLESS. DO YOU HEAR ME WORLD? I AM NOT WORTHLESS!!!! 
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
~~~~ i am getting so sick of sleeping alone. i do not mean i miss having sex. i mean laying down in my big empty bed all by myself and not feeling someone there next to me. i miss having their body heat to help warm the sheets. i just miss the feeling of someone next to me that i can just cuddle with. Sex is the farthest thing from my mind. i am not interested in sex at all right now. i just want someone to share the bed with once in a while. Someone that can hold me and cuddle.
~~~~ It has been more then two years since i have shared a bed with anyone and i am really beginning to miss it. i hate sleeping alone lately it has been really hard to fall asleep and stay asleep. i have tried putting my pillows every which way and nothing seems to work. i even find myself sleeping only on one side of the bed. i have a beautiful queen sized bed all to myself and i still only sleep on one side of it leaving room for an invisible person on the other side. Even when i wake up in the middle of the night or in the mornings i see that i have stayed on "my side" of the bed never straying to the middle of the bed or the other side.
~~~~ Now, do not get me wrong i am not going to rush out and find someone to fill the other side of my bed. Unless it is filled with more pillows that side of the bed is staying empty until i find the person that not only fills that side of the bed but fulfills what i want from another person in my life. i am in no rush to fill that roll right now either. my divorce is not over and i have not healed completely from the fallout of my sham of a marriage.
~~~~ i just miss having a living body laying next to me as i fall asleep and still be there when i wake up. i miss hearing someone breathing next to me as they dream peacefully. i miss the safe feeling i used to get from rolling over and knowing that there is someone there that will calm me down if i wake up with a panic attack.
