Forever In Search Of my Muse

~~~~ i am tired of feeling worthless and stuck in my life. i hate my job and i have to force myself to do it and sound cheerful on the phone every day. i am tired of my boss telling me that i am not doing enough when he has no clue what i have been doing and of hearing him tell me i need to push to make sales. i can not push people into buying what they do not want or do not have money for in their stores. if i have to hear my boss say that K___ is doing better then i am, or making more sales, or in some way inferring that she is kicking my ass in something that is not even a competition one more time i swear i am going to scream. He is just adding to my feelings of worthlessness and i do not even think he realizes it. And when i tell me yeah yeah yeah i get it now stop he thinks i am being mellow dramatic or bitchy. When all i want is to try and keep the precious little bit of sanity that i have left.

~~~~ For this job that i have i am calling stores and offering them catalogs of products that they might want to sell. Then i have to keep calling them back and seeing if they want to order anything and if they are ready to order. i am so sick of hearing we love the products but we have no money to order anything right now call back next month. i work purely on commissions so when stores do not order i do not get paid for all the work that i have done and that in and of itself has a way of making one feel worthless. Adding to it the rantings of a boss who sits there as says that he is making sales all the time and that the economy is picking up when i am struggling to get through every call really just drives it home.

~~~~ On top of all of this i am still not divorced and it has been over two years since i left my estranged husband. He is supposed to be paying me $400 a month in maintenance (read alimony) and has not paid me since he bounced a check to me for Aprils payment and i am getting no child support either though Son has been living with me since the end of August. So i am struggling to pay my bills and make ends meet. i have had to borrow money from my parents and Roommate every month to pay my bills and feed myself and Son. It is getting beyond ridiculous as my estranged buys more pets and blows his money on crap that he does not need or use but cries that he has no money to pay me and does not want to pay child support. He spends money like it is burning a hole in his pocket and then cries that he can not pay his bills. He can buy new CD's and DVD's at every turn or take his fiance out to all these different places, but when any of children not just Son need something and ask for help he has no money to help them. Roommate and i have driven one of his other children up to see her friends when he would not even though she offered to pay for his gas to do so. His other daughter needs a winter coat so as soon as i get enough money to take care of what Son needs i am sending her the money to get a winter coat so that she does not freeze. i want my freedom from my estranged so that i can live my life for me and my son not under his control anymore. i am sick and tired of him making me feel worthless when he is the one that is worthless. He has a great job that he chooses not to work but according to him it is my fault that he does not get to work because i will not change mine and Son's lives around for him anymore. He chooses when he wants to work and then complains that there is no work when he does not even call in to see if there is any.

~~~~ December 28th will be our 11 year wedding anniversary and i really want to be divorced before then. i want to move on with my life and go to school. i want to take care of myself and Son without having to ask for help from anyone. i want to work at a job that i love and help people. Most of all i just want to get on with my life. i am so sick of feeling trapped at every turn of my life in every area of my life

I AM NOT WORHTLESS. I AM NOT WORTHLESS. DO YOU HEAR ME WORLD? I AM NOT WORTHLESS!!!!