Forever In Search Of my Muse

~~~~ This has gone beyond having a song stuck in my head. i have the whole musical for The Phantom of the Opera stuck in my head. It just keeps running over and over through my thoughts. i will catch myself singing it while i am on hold with a customer or while the phone is ringing and i waiting for them to answer. i even had one of them ask me what i was singing because they heard me when they picked up the phone. i have set parts of the lyrics to different songs as what i am thinking about on my facebook page and everything.

~~~~ i watched the newer version of the movie staring Gerard Butler as The Phantom and Emmy Rossum as Christine Daae not to long ago. Then i saw a special on the Ovation channel about the making of The Phantom of the Opera. Maybe this is why it is now stuck in my head the way that it is.

~~~~ i have several versions of the sound track for the Stage Play as well as the movie, and then some Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber compilation Cd's that have many of the songs from The Phantom of the Opera on them. i own and have read a book Unmasqued: an Erotic Novel of The Phantom of the Opera by Colette Gale. For all of you who thought that Christine should have stayed with Eric this is the book for you. Well that and if you like very highly erotic books. As well as owning and having read the original book by Gaston Leroux and have seen the silent version of the movie staring Lon Chaney, Mary Philbin, and Norman Kerry. i have had the great privilege of seeing The Phantom of the Opera on stage while i lived in Ohio years ago and would love, love ,love to see it again on stage here in Chicago. i even remember the marching band for my high school back in Ohio preforming music from the stage play for our halftime show. An old friend of mine and i used to listen to and sign along with the soundtrack as we cleaned the church that i used to belong to in Ohio as well.

~~~~ i guess you could say i have always loved The Phantom of the Opera. i used to have snow globes and music boxes with The Phantom of the Opera but i no longer have those. They were packed away long before i left my estranged husband and they got left with him when i moved out because i did not know where they were. Or how i would be able to take them all with me without them breaking. Maybe one day i will start my collection again but i know i will never have some of the things that i had before because they were from The San Fransisco Music Box Company and they have long since closed. i might find some of them on E-Bay or Amazon and if i am really lucky at garage sales but i am sure i will never find all of them again.

~~~~ You could say that my day started at the very beginning of June 19th at 12am. i had one of my horrible migraines and all i wanted to do was take my meds and get to sleep but Mother Nature had other plans and sent a not so nice lightening storm our way. i finally fell asleep at i do not know what time but i know my meds were working because i had my usual dream. (DO NOT ASK.) When i woke up at 6am to get ready for work i had a mild headache and was able to deal with that by taking Excedrin Migraine. Roommate drove me to the train station at 7am and there were tree branches all over the streets and one even tried to grab my car so we had to stop and make it let go. Thankfully it was only misting this morning and not pouring rain but my train was delayed by about 15mins because of debris on the tracks. i am also so very thankful that there was no lightening while i was on the train or either one of my buses.

~~~~ Once i got to work at about 9:30am it was a different story and i am just very thankful that i work in a mall and my store does not face any windows where i could see outside at all but i still heard it all. It was raining so hard at times it sounded like a train was on the roof of the mall and i could hear the thunder clapping and rolling off and on all day. At 7pm Roommate was at the mall to pick up Son and i and bring us home. Right before we were ready to leave it was raining so hard it looked like it was coming down in solid sheets of water and the lightening was flashing everywhere. As we were leaving the power in half the mall went out and i called my store to let my boss know that half the mall was out and she said that the other half was flickering. By the time we got out of the parking garage the rain had slowed down a lot but was still coming down pretty hard and the wind was really blowing. Roommate gave me his hat to cover my face with so that i did not have to see all the lightening..... i think every time i jumped from a flash of lightening i distracted him a little and that really was not a good thing. So i hid my eyes for a little while but my headache was back and leaning my head back with the hat over my face was not helping it any not to mention the fact that i was starting to get really hungry because i forgot to bring a lunch with me today.

~~~~ Everyone loves a picture of a beautiful landscape or a well drawn piece of art but what about the stuff most people do not find beautiful? Weeds in the yard or an over grown garden? There are some who think that is beautiful too. But what about in a person who does not look like "everyone else"? Who dresses the way they want to and acts the way they want to rather then the way that "everyone else does"? Can you see the beauty in them? i wish everyone could answer that yes but more and i more i see that society can not.

~~~~ i dress my own way and wear what i want to and i get strange looks for it because i am dressed slightly different then the "norm". When they see what is around my neck most think it is just a charm or pendent with a crescent moon and a star. It is not until they look closer and see that it is a pentagram that they are offended and i get all kinds of rude, nasty, and ignorant comments for it. i do dress more conservatively when i am at work then i think and some mistake me for thinking that way. i had one customer in my store ask me if i thought it was as gross as she did to see another customer in my store that was covered in tattoos and not trying to hide them. When i told her that i have three tattoos of my own her jaw hit the floor. She thought that because my hair was up in a very neat and tight bun and i was wearing my glasses that i was going to be as offended by this person's appearance as she was. Now yes they had a lot of tattoos and they were all beautiful works of art on their body and it is how they chose to express them self. When i am not at work i do not walk around with my breasts hanging out or any thing like that and my clothes are not skin tight but they are a little more revealing. i love long flowing skirts and they are now in style but i have been wearing them for years and everyone used to say i was trying to dress like a hippie or some such non-sense. No i was just being true to myself and dressing the way i am comfortable.

~~~~ my brother who has several facial piercings, long hair, walks around with his cane, wears an Australian Slouch Hat (think Van Helsing), and his trench and he gets told, "Halloween is over freak" or "Hey Van Helsing wannabe get a life." The hat he wears because he likes it, the piercings are a form of self expression that he wanted, the cane the thing most people think he carries because he wants to "pimp it" well .... that is there because he can not walk without it. my brother is one of the most generous people you will ever meet if you need something he is the first person to try and help you even if it is something that he really should not be doing because of his injuries. But people do not see that in him and it makes me sick.

~~~~ Now i have a very dear friend who is drop dead gorgeous, she could be a model for any major designer label but she does not want to be. She wears big baggy clothes to hide her perfect body and goes around with no makeup on. She is shy and worried about people liking her for what she looks like and not who she is. She learned very young in life that when people think you are beautiful they do not really care what you think or have to say. So she tries to hide her beauty to find someone that loves her for who she is not what she looks like.

~~~~ If you think of the people in your life like flowers in a garden. Are all your flowers exactly the same or do you have a large variety of flowers? Even some others might think of as weeds?

~~~~ For some reason lately i have just felt so lost and confused. It just seems like i can not run my own life and i have to check with everyone else to see if it is okay for me to just be me.

~~~~ my friend S__ called the other day and was asking when my divorce is going to be done. i told him the same thing i have been telling him for the last 2 years, "i do not know when it will be done. Soon i hope but i do not want to even think about dating someone, anyone until i am officially divorced." S__ really wants to date me but i am not sure i want to date him. To be honest i am not sure i like the fact that he keeps pushing the idea that it is okay for me to start dating now because i have been legally separated for almost 2 years. He keeps telling me things like, "You know I like you right?" and "You know this is killing me. (laughs)" and he keeps trying to talk about sex with me and how he has not had any in years. Well what does he want me to do about it right then? Have phone sex with him? Not happening. i have told him i am not ready. The more he pushes like this the more i do not want to date him. i just do not know. i am not ready and no matter how much i say it he does not seem to understand it. i am not looking to ever get into another relationship where the person i am with does not listen to, respect, or try to understand what i am saying about anything.

~~~~ i am working on crocheting a blanket for my friend's daughter, as well as one for my son, and one for my bed, and making altar clothes for my altar in all different colors. It just seems that i can not stick with any one project and get it done because i can not stay in one place long enough. i know making the blankets will take longer then one day even if i sat for 24 straight hours but that is not what i mean. i mean i can not seem to stay in one place with what i want to work on. i guess because i feel so trapped and pushed in other areas of my life the one area that i feel i have control my creativity and projects i am flighty and un-organized. i keep moving around where i want to work when i am working at home, where i want to have my stuff for my poetry and writing, what project i am working on for my crocheting, and i have not even touched my stamping and bookmark making in a very long time. There are other things i want to do too but i just kind of let them sit there as ideas that i never truly even have the heart to start.

~~~~ i know this makes me sound flighty and unmotivated but truly that is not me and it is only in that area where i know i can be, that i am. i am stable and comfortable where i am living and working and Son needs for nothing here. i am not ready to bring another person into my life even as a person i am interested in dating until they can see i do not need to have things pushed on me. i move at my own pace that is right for both Son and me because he is the most important person in my life and i keep his needs right there with my own.

~~~~ When i am ready to even start looking for someone to date they will not even get a toe in the door unless they can understand:

1. 1. that Son is first and foremost in my life
2. 2. they can not push me around
3. 3. i do not "need" them in my life, i "want" them in my life
4. 4. i can and do take care of myself and Son just fine without them, but their help is always appreciated
5. 5. i may submissive but i am not now nor will i ever be their doormat or punching bag
6. 6. if they ever raise a hand to hit me or Son i will get the police involved
7. 7. my family is very important to me and will always be in my life
8. 8. they will have no say as to whom i am friends with or talk to and when
9. 9. my life will not revolve around them but they will be apart of it
10. 10. i will not change who i am or what i believe for anyone if they do not like it they can leave