Sunday, June 14, 2009

~~~~ For some reason lately i have just felt so lost and confused. It just seems like i can not run my own life and i have to check with everyone else to see if it is okay for me to just be me.

~~~~ my friend S__ called the other day and was asking when my divorce is going to be done. i told him the same thing i have been telling him for the last 2 years, "i do not know when it will be done. So
on i hope but i do not want to even think about dating someone, anyone until i am officially divorced." S__ really wants to date me but i am not sure i want to date him. To be honest i am not sure i like the fact that he keeps pushing the idea that it is okay for me to start dating now because i have been legally separated for almost 2 years. He keeps telling me things like, "You know I like you right?" and "You know this is killing me. (laughs)" and he keeps trying to talk about sex with me and how he has not had any in years. Well what does he want me to do about it right then? Have phone sex with him? Not happening. i have told him i am not ready. The more he pushes like this the more i do not want to date him. i just do not know. i am not ready and no matter how much i say it he does not seem to understand it. i am not looking to ever get into another relationship where the person i am with does not listen to, respect, or try to understand what i am saying about anything.

~~~~ i am working on crocheting a blanket for my friend's daughter, as well as one for my son, and one for my bed, and making altar clothes for my altar in all different colors. It just seems that i can not stick with any one project and get it done because i can not stay in one place long enough. i know making the blankets will take longer then one day even if i sat for 24 straight hours but that is not what i mean. i mean i can not seem to stay in one place with what i want to work on. i guess because i feel so trapped and pushed in other areas of my life the one area that i feel i have control my creativity and projects i am flighty and un-organized. i keep moving around where i want to work when i am working at home, where i want to have my stuff for my poetry and writing, what project i am working on for my crocheting, and i have not even touched my stamping and bookmark making in a very long time. There are other things i want to do too but i just kind of let them sit there as ideas that i never truly even have the heart to start.

~~~~ i know this makes me sound flighty and unmotivated but truly that is not me and it is only in that area where i know i can be, that i am. i am stable and comfortable where i am living and working and Son needs for nothing here. i am not ready to bring another person into my life even as a person i am interested in dating until they can see i do not need to have things pushed on me. i move at my own pace that is right for both Son and me because he is the most important person in my life and i keep his needs right there with my own.

~~~~ When i am ready to even start looking for someone to date they will not even get a toe in the door unless they can understand:

  1. 1. that Son is first and foremost in my life
  2. 2. they can not push me around
  3. 3. i do not "need" them in my life, i "want" them in my life
  4. 4. i can and do take care of myself and Son just fine without them, but their help is always appreciated
  5. 5. i may submissive but i am not now nor will i ever be their doormat or punching bag
  6. 6. if they ever raise a hand to hit me or Son i will get the police involved
  7. 7. my family is very important to me and will always be in my life
  8. 8. they will have no say as to whom i am friends with or talk to and when
  9. 9. my life will not revolve around them but they will be apart of it
  10. 10. i will not change who i am or what i believe for anyone if they do not like it they can leave