Forever In Search Of my Muse

~~~~ This is my wonderful digital camera the Nikon D40. i love taking pictures with this and am still learning how to get my pictures to look the best they can. i really want to take some photography classes when i have the money to learn to use my camera really well and take the best pictures i possibly can. i also have a digital "point & shoot" (P&S) FinePix A500 from Fujifim. i love this little camera i can get really good pictures with it from a moving car or it really dark places like an Aquarium (without flash of course).

~~~~ i love to take scenery pictures of the different season. In fact some of my pictures are on my blog. The flowers in Finding The Beauty In Things Others Can Not were taken with my cameras well all but the Rose. i found the Rose online because i am very allergic to them and tend to stay away from them. The Lilacs were taken with my camera on my cell phone and the flower garden and Violet in the grass were taken with my P&S. i have hundreds of pictures on my laptop of trees and such that i have taken through out the season. i am thinking of starting another blog on here just to post all my pictures.

~~~~ i also love to edit and play with my pictures changing to Black and White or Sepia and things like that. i have both Adobe Photoshop and Microsoft Office Picture Manager that i can edit photos in. To be honest when i first started editing photos all i used was Paintshop. That is how i learned the basics of overlaying pictures to make other ones. There are still times when i use Paintshop to edit my pictures because it is fun to do.

~~~~ i do not take my Son to get profession pictures taken i take him outside or somewhere in the house and taken them myself. Then i either print them up from my printer at home, the HP 8200 series or i take them to Jewel and have them printed up there depending on what size i want and how many i want. In fact in the next couple of days i need to take my Son out and get some new pictures of him to give to his grandparents and aunts and uncles.

~~~~ i still have a 35mm Nikon N4004s that i use as well. i need to find a new 35mm P&S because i mine got ruined many years ago when i let a friend use it and they dropped it accidentally. It really was not a huge deal as it was a cheap P&S and i am sure that i can find a new one when i am ready to look though it will probably be used as many places do not sell them anymore.

~~~~ In my dreams i would love to have all the lenses for both of my Nikon's so that i can change them out as the shot needs but right now i only have one for the 35mm and two for the digital. They work for what i can do with them right now but as i have said i want to learn to do more and take different types of pictures.

~~~~ i can crochet and i love doing it but i have always wanted to learn how to knit. i just do not know of anyone that does it so that they can teach me. i love working with yarn and hand making things for friends and family and there is just so much that you can do with knitting that you can not do with crocheting.

~~~~ i have books that are supposed to teach you to knit but i can not seem to get started. i need to see someone actually do it so that i can copy what they do. i have oodles of yarn and several different knitting needles that i have picked up here and there over the years but still i do not know how to knit.

~~~~ The blankets, sweaters, hats, bags, scarves, and almost anything else you can think of are just beautiful. Yes, i can make all of these from crocheting and i have and do but you can do so many different stitches and patterns and the end product just looks so different from one to the other. i have a lot of the different Knifty Knitters out there but it is just not the same. i want to learn to knit.

~~~~ i love doing crafts and working with my hands and the feel of a great yarn running through my fingers is just amazing. Watching the project take shape and grow because of my work that is not really even work but just a very relaxing way to make beautiful personal gifts for the people i care about. Each blanket, hat, scarf, bag, or purse is a tangible piece of love given to someone. A way to show them that you care and want to take your time to make them something beautiful and useful. Knitting would be just one more way to do this and i so love doing this type of thing.

~~~~ Okay, now that i have rambled on about nothing i need to get off here and go work on the patchwork blanket i am crocheting as a Christmas gift for someone that means a lot to me. i also need to start thinking about what cards i want to make this year for Christmas and Yule.

~~~~ It seems that nobody writes letters any more. We all send a quick email with maybe two or three lines in it or we call them. Everyone and their brother has a telephone or cellphone or both. i find that i am always calling my friends just to see what is up and for someone to talk to. However lately i miss writing letters. Though i admit when i have had friends that i contacted by writing letters i have lost contact with them because i could not "just pick a phone and call" but now i want to write letters again. They are more person then a phone call and you express so much more in a letter that lasts forever. On the phone you always forget what was said over time and things always seem to change as the memory ages.

~~~~ What brought this about? Well i was going through a bunch of stuff from when i moved away from my estranged husband and i found letters from friends of mine that were unopened. Friends that i thought had stopped writing me but it turns out i was the one that stopped writing them because i never got their letters. They were stuffed in a box of stuff that was in a storage area and i always kept my letters to and from my friends on or in my desk. These are friends that i have greatly missed too but now have no way of finding again because they have moved. Oh if only i had known that my letters were being hidden from me and why they were being hidden from me as well. With these letters i found pictures of my friends that they had sent me and one that had pictures of my trip to a zoo with my friend and his son. my friend at that time was in the army and i do not know if he still is or if he is out and where he moved to. i have tried finding him but have been unable to and i really want to talk to him again. i miss his friendship and i could talk to him about anything. He does not even know i have a 10yr old son. The last time i talked to him i had just gotten married and found out i was pregnant. So he knows i have at least one child but not the gender and i do not know if he remembers the age my first child would be. There were also a couple of letters from one of the girls i went through Navy boot camp with. That were hidden from me with pictures of her baby in them. She will be almost impossible to find because she was getting married but did not give me her future husbands last name so i do not know if they ever got married and if they did what her new last name is.

~~~~ Anyways, i miss writing letters to my friends. i miss sitting down at my desk with stationery and a good pen and writing a letter not a note but a letter to someone. i miss going to the mailbox and getting a rush of excitement when i open it to find a letter for me from one of my friends. Now all i get are bills and stuff from my lawyer for my divorce. You used to be able to walk into any store and find stationery for writing letters now you find it for the printer but i is not the same thing and it is almost impossible to find sealing wax anywhere except the good craft stores and even then it is only a few colors and very expensive. i guess i could make my own stationery with some of the programs i have on my laptop but i still need people to write letters too.

~~~~ I HATE MIGRAINES!!!!!!!!! i have been getting them since i was in high school for sure and maybe even before that. After some research on the Internet and talking to several doctors about it i found out that young children often feel migraines as abdominal pains that seem to come on for no reason and last between 24 to 72 hours just like a migraine.

~~~~ When i would get migraines in high school my family did not believe that my "headaches" were as bad as i was saying they were so i often had to go to school with a migraine. Thankfully my band director was able to help reduce or elevate the pain by pushing on some pressure points in my hands and feet. (That was the only time i could stand to have my feet touched but that is a whole other thing.)

~~~~ i was finally diagnosed with Chronic Migraine Syndrome about 5 years ago after working an *Nsync concert and having a migraine that almost took my vision completely away and left me vomiting from the pain. After working the first night of the concert i came down with the migraine but still went work the second day and ended up being carried to the First Aid Room by a very good friend of mine who was also working the concert. my oldest step-daughter was there with some friends of the family so when the concert was over they took both my step-daughter and i home. Once i got home three of my other friends where there and they took care of me until my then husband got home and called the doctor. A prescription for Vicodin was called into a 24hr pharmacy for me so that i could deal with the pain that night.

~~~~ i have tried many prescriptions to treat my migraines. First they had me try Imitrex in the pill form and that did nothing for me. So then i tried Imitrex in the nasal spray form and had a complete blackout. i did not remember getting dressed after taking my shower or feeding my kids or anything. i had to ask the kids the next day if i gave them dinner. i was told we went to Old Country Buffet and i asked where the food was but i did not remember any of it. Needless to say i will never take that again it scared the crap out of me to know that i did not remember anything from an entire night of my life. Then they had me try taking Inderal to try and lower my blood pressure but it lowered it to much and i was having very bad dizzy spells so they took me off of that and i went on Epidrin (generic for Midrin). This i have been taking for about 4.5 years and i relieves the pain enough that i can usually sleep off the migraine because it also makes me tired. i was on birth control for about 2 years and they helped with my migraines as well as my horrible cramping that i get.

~~~~ i also have to watch what i eat because food can trigger migraines as well as a myriad of other things, many of which doctors have not figured out yet.

Foods that can be Migraine triggers include:

• * Vegetables
• beans
• pickles
• chili peppers
• olives (i love these)
  
• * Fruits
• dried fruits
• avocados
• red plums
• bananas
• * Breads
• any fresh yeast product straight from the oven
• yeast breads
• pizza
• soft pretzels
• * Meats and seafood
• any preserved or processed meat
• bacon (i love this)
• hot dogs
• sausage
• nuts/peanut butter (i love these)
  
• * Dairy products
• aged cheeses
• sour cream
• whole milk (this is the only kind of milk i drink)
• yogurt (love this too)
• * Beverages
• alcoholic beverages, especially red wine
• chocolate beverages
• caffeinated beverages
• * Miscellaneous
• anything with MSG
• artificial sweeteners
• vinegar
• chocolate (love this too)

~~~~ i have been trying to work on my poetry and write some new poems lately but i have been unable to even think of anything to write. i really hate when i get writers block. It just seems that i cannot keep an idea in my head long enough to write about it. And as far as my short stories go forget about it i have not been able to write one of those in months and have not been able to finish one in years.

~~~~ i just wish that i could pick up my pens and write again. i really miss it. And yes there is a difference in typing a blog and writing my poetry or short stories. Though i have been working on my poetry and getting all organized and putting a handwritten copy of each of my new poems into books that i am going to give as gifts to some of my closer friends. The books that i am using to put these handwritten copies of my poems in are just very nice journals that have blank lined pages. i am almost done with my first one of those though it is not full and will not be completely done until it is filled with my poems on every page. What i am going to do is give it to my friend and have my friend give it back to me at the end of every year so that i can add the new poems that were written that year and give it back to them.

~~~~ i did something like this when i was in high school. i had a very close friend that really helped me out a lot and really encouraged me to grow and love myself so every year for Christmas he would get a pronged folder with neatly handwritten copies of all of my poems for that year on notebook paper. i just recently thought of using the journals to keep them all together and be and actual book of my poetry. (i wonder if this friend still has those folders. i will have to ask him sometime.)

~~~~ i just really wish that my Muse had not run away from me again and that i could write more poetry. i know i will be able to again in time but i am being impatient and want it now.

~~~~ Today started out to be very very stressful with all the calls i had to make to get my Son the meds he needs for his ADHD with the new health insurance. Lets just leaving it at saying i felt like a circus dog jumping through a bunch of hoops and doing back flips to please everyone but really getting nowhere. By the end of it all i was reduced to tears which lately has been very easy to do but no the less i was there again. So i called my friend AP to talk and vent. By about 5 minutes into the phone call she had me laughing so hard tears were rolling down my cheeks for a different reason.

~~~~ AP was doing her dishes and cut her finger on a pair of really sharp kitchen scissors through a dish towel. Now before you all think i am horrible for laughing at her for this i need to tell you the back story. A couple of days ago AP asked me in one of our many phone conversations if i knew how long it would take someone to bleed out when they slit their wrists (this is for her psych homework for college)? i did not know the answer but it turns out it is very hard to actually kill yourself that way. So when she cut her hand today i was worried that she needed stitches or something and i live two states away from her. Well all she needed was a band aid. So she put the band aid on and went back to doing her dishes but wore rubber gloves to keep the cut clean and dry. Well we started joking about her slitting her finger and bleeding to death before her husband got home from work and how he would just step over her body laying on the kitchen floor on his way to the bedroom or something. So she is going on about how it is getting darker, her vision is going fuzzy, and how she is cold so very cold. So i started in on saying how she needs to call 911 and tell them she tried to kill herself by slitting her finger because she already tried her wrists and that did not work. She said she could see it now while she is in the ER getting stitched up and the doctors are asking her why she tried to take her life this way and how they can not keep a straight face and everything. So on and on we go about her trying to kill herself by cutting her finger off. She said she would tell the doctors she was working her way down to her wrists doing it slowly to be sure she did it right she wanted to practice first on her finger and then half her hand then her wrist.

~~~~ i know it does not sound all that funny on here and actually sounds like we were being very morbid but if you know AP and i then you know we will do anything to make each other laugh and can find humor in the strangest places with each other. AP and i have known each other since high school some 15+ years ago. We have both been through a lot and there is a darker back story to why committing suicide is a joke for us that most others can not joke about. That story is very dark, very deep and not mine to tell.

~~~~ Suffice it to say i needed to laugh today and she got me laughing. There have been many days when she has needed a laugh and called me. One of our favorite things to do is pick on men. We will compare them to cavemen saying things like, "OO OO me man, me work OO OO" "OO OO me man, me pee standing up OO OO" and other such things that are a lot more shall we say crude and un-lady like. But they are always good for a laugh in fact after one such day of our caveman routine AP's husband and father were fixing the sound system for her TV and radio when she just started laughing for what seemed like no reason to them. She was thinking "OO OO me man, me fix OO OO" which is one line that always comes up in our joking around.

~~~~ Laughter is always good medicine for what ales you and with good friends laughter is always just a phone call away. People have been known to get me laughing hard enough whatever i am eating or drinking will come out my nose. It is sooo very gross but they seem to find it so very funny and strive for it like it is a gold medal of comedy or something. A few of the things i have had come out my nose are cottage cheese, lemonade, bar-b-que ribs with sauce, mashed potatoes, chicken tenders, and ice cream. i would have to say the bar-b-que sauce hurt the worst and the cottage cheese was the grossest.

~~~~ Leaving you with a good laugh i got my nick name of Eeyore because when i get laughing really hard i can not breathe and sound like a dieing donkey gasping for air every time i inhale.

~~~~ Okay this stress thing is getting a little ridiculous. It has caused my insomnia to come back and i really do not want it. The last time i had to deal with my insomnia it took me over a month to get rid of it and i will not take any kind of sleeping pills because they can mess with my migraine medication and that is much more important. i can semi-function without enough sleep but i can not function with a migraine. Though lack of sleep will cause migraines go figure.

~~~~ So anyway last night was my first battle with insomnia in about 3 months and i really do not want it to come back. i feel asleep on the couch watching Ghost Hunters on the DVR and woke up around midnight and tried to go to bed. By 1:50am i gave up trying to make myself sleep and went back into the living room and quietly watched the animated version of The King And I, believe me when i tell you if that does not put you to sleep then nothing will. And that did not put me to sleep. But it was now later then i ever wanted to be up. i then watched Bring It On of all things another movie that you do not have to think to watch and was still up. While watching these mind numbing movies i tried to relax by crocheting as well and worked on the Hobo Bag that i am making up the pattern for as i make it. i really like how it is turning out too. Mean time Roommate was snoring away happily on the other couch fast asleep in dreamland. GRRRRRR. It was just so unfair i wanted to scream or wake him up but i could not do that. By about 4:40am i decided i had enough and went back to bed and just laid there until i fell asleep sometime around 5:00am. my alarm to get my Son ready for school went off at 6:45am and i really did not want to get up. Though up i got and got him ready for school and woke Roommate up so that he could get ready for work. Thankfully Roommate nicely offered to get my Son on the bus for me so that i could go back to bed for a couple hours. i slept from 8:00am until 10:00am and have been moving and working since then.

~~~~ i really hope that i can get some sleep tonight i do not want to deal with insomnia or stress any more. Though i will get a lot of reading, movie watching, and crocheting done i would much rather get a lot of sleeping done in that time. It is not like i can do laundry or anything while Roommate and my Son are sleeping the buzzer on the washer and dryer would wake them that thing is so loud and i do not need them getting up to use the washroom and slipping on a freshly mopped floor. i could just hear my neighbors bitching if i went out and cut the grass at that too not to mention i do not want to scare any of the neighborhood skunks. (Oh the joys of living by the Park Preserves ... Skunks, Deer, Coyotes, Frogs, Raccoons, Foxes, and Mosquitoes.) Maybe i should by myself a copy of the book Of Mice And Men i had to read that for high school (many years ago) and could not get past the first sentence of the book without falling asleep and the rest of the book was no better for me when i skipped that sentence. A sleeping pill in book form though my sleeping pills in movie form did not work so there is no guarantee that the book will work either.

~~~~ i should have known my insomnia was coming back too when i started having nightmares again. That is always how it happens but this time i did not have as many nightmares as i usually do so i guess i thought i would get lucky or that my stress had lessened enough that i escaped the insomnia. The last time this happened i was so desperate for sleep that by the end of the month i was ready to take my migraine meds just so that i could get some sleep. my migraine meds take away enough of the pain and put me to sleep through the rest of it though it is not a restful sleep. i always have very strange dreams usually about being stuff into and shot out of a giant penis cannon. Please do not ask because i have no clue. Though in all honesty i could never take my meds for anything but what they are intended for i am too afraid of becoming addicted to them because addiction runs high in my family. In the end i just waited it out and my body crashed from being so tired all the time. i just do not want to have to do that again.

~~~~ i all most always have some form of fragrance going in the house be it a candle, incense, or oils burning. i love the way they make the house feel so relaxed and soothing to others as they enter. i always get my incense, oils and some candles from The Scented Realm and the rest of my candles from either Yankee or Colonial Candles .

~~~~ i love the way that i can burn a candle from Yankee Candles for hours at a time and they burn clean and true. Plus their fragrance just fills the whole house. Right now i have their Blueberry Scone candle burning and it is just amazing. my whole house smells so warm and soothing. my other favorites from Yankee are Storm Watch, MidSummer's Night, Holiday Twinkle, and Sparkling Snow. Colonial Candles are almost as good and i love their Blueberry Vanilla and Fine Merlot. They smell just divine when they are burned as well and fill the whole house with a wonderful aroma that i can just sit in and enjoy for hours.

~~~~ As for my incense and oils that i love so much it is easier to name the brands that i love then the individual fragrances because there are just so many of them: Wild Berry, Gonesh, Traditional, Morning Star, Airs, and Nature Nature. Then there are the oils i use several fragrances from all three types of oils: Essential - direct from the plant nothing added, Premium - made from essential oils but in a carrier of either jojoba or soy and can be blended to make you think you are smelling something else, and then Fragrance - synthetic oils made to smell like just about any fragrance you can think of that someone would like. i get all of my Oils and Incense from The Scented Realm and have for years. i love the selection that they have and the quality of all their incense is always the best. i am not just saying this because i used to work for them but because i know what they went through to pick each brand that they carried and how many brands they turned down because the fragrance was not true or had a bad after smell.

~~~~ i just adore having something lit and sending off a wonderful aroma in home as i curl up with a good book, listen to some music, sit down to write, clean the house, or just watch tv and veg out. i have always loved having my enviroment fragranced by something that just smells so inviting and soothing. It is a great tool to help one do just about everything from relax, to get moving, to be inspired.