Forever In Search Of my Muse

~~~~ On the way to pick up Son from his father's on Black Friday my car decided it did not want to drive anymore. Roommate and i were maybe 5 minutes from getting Son and my transmission just stopped working. We were sitting in traffic waiting to merge and when it was our turn Roommate stepped on the gas and the car just sat there. It would not engage in any gear. Roommate had to get out and push the car off the street while i steered it into a parking lot and got it into a spot safely.

~~~~ So i had to call my friend S___ to come and pick me up so that i could get Son. Then we went back to my Car and picked up Roommate. i also called Suburban Transmissions and had them come and tow my car. But they said it would be over an hour and a half until they got my car so we left the keys inside Pepboys for the tow truck driver and went home.

~~~~ Now i have to wait until Monday to see if what is wrong with my car and if they are going to charge me to fix it. They fixed my transmission back in March of this year and it is still under warranty so we will see. If they do charge me to fix my car i hope it is not too much because i still have no money and my estranged owes me $3450 and i have not seen a penny of it yet.

~~~~ Okay at last count i had 20 projects intended for specific people. That i need to get done 2 are blankets for Christmas gifts, 4 are blanket that i have promised to people and started, 4 are blankets that i have promised but not started yet, 2 are baby blankets i just found out about, 2 are baby hats, 2 are spit-up clothes, 1 scarf, and 1 hat and 1 pair of crocheted boxers.

~~~~ i have a feeling i am going to be crocheting for a long time to come before i can get to the hats that i want to make for the local hospitals and emergency response crews to give to babies, children and adults in need of them in the cold weather. i guess i better put down my books for a while and pick up my hooks and get to work. Hmmm i wonder if i can get away without doing as much of my chores around the house because i have all this crocheting to get done. i doubt Roommate and Son would be to happy about that though because my chores are the laundry and cooking dinner, Roommate washes the dishes and takes out the garbage, and Son helps keep the house neat and dusts. We all take turns cleaning the bathroom.

~~~~It looks like i am going to have to stop crocheting to the nice slow relaxing music and start using something that has more of an up beat tempo to it. i have found that i crochet to the tempo of the music the fast and more up beat the music the faster i crochet and i do not make more mistakes then normal so that is good thing. Now i just need to go and make a play list with the music i need to crochet to.Plus i can start crocheting while Roommate and i are watching our DVR'ed shows at night.

~~~~ Time to put on my wrist braces and get to work my hook and yarn in hand on my projects that need to get done before Christmas is here.

~~~~ i know no matter what goes on in my life Roommate and AP can always make me laugh. If i listed all the inside jokes between AP and i people would really think us strange. Then again we are. Here is a small list

• 1. Neurological-Syphilis of the Puss
  
• 2. For Your Messed Up Togas.
  
• 3. Why won't you have sex with me? Fallowed by various reason and excuses for the answer. (This one is with Roommate)
  
• 4. My dick is hard.
  
• 5. Dah Da Da Dah, Dah Da Da Dah __________'s World
• 6. Leaves
• 7. Making the 50 foot women happy. (This one is also with Roommate)
  
• 8. Just making you feel at home.
• 9. Make my taters woman. (This one is with Roommate too)
• 10. Don't make me kill myself. i swear i will slice my finger with the scissors.
• 11. OO OO OO me man me fix. OO OO OO
  

~~~~ Being of very limited financial means this year i am making a lot of my Christmas presents for my family. i love to crochet and i can do it while riding in a car, on a train, waiting in a waiting room, watching TV, or laying in bed. i have two of my gifts done a hat and scarf set for one of my brothers in black and a hat and scarf set for that brother's girlfriend in light purple. (pictures on my photo blog soon i hope.)

~~~~ i am now working on a patchwork checkerboard blanket for an other brother in dark sage and milk chocolate. The squares are turning out great so far and the colors look wonderful bordered in black and put next to each other. i can not wait to see how this one turns out when it is done. (pictures to follow completion on my photo blog.)

~~~~ Once that blanket is done i have one more to make in shades of green. This one is for my third brother and his girlfriend. i think this one i am going to do in three shades of green if i can find them in the yarn i like that look great together and in a alternating granny square so that every round of the square is a different shade of the three greens. Think square bulls eye with three colors. (pictures to follow completion on my photo blog.)

~~~~ Once these gifts are done i can go back to all the other projects that i have started and need to finish around here. The blanket for my bed, one for Son, one for Roommate, and one for AP's daughter. Then i have several other friends that would love me to make blankets for their daughters. i also have a lot of baby hats i want to take to the hospital and drop off for the babies that are there. (no pictures of these yet but very soon) Plus i will be making more hats and maybe some blankets for the hospital and for any friends that get pregnant.

~~~~ i also want to find a pattern for fingerless gloves that i can make easily i think they would be really nice to have to keep my wrists warm while i am working on my crocheting. Plus i would love to give them as gifts to some people who i know would love something like that. i am just full of ideas as to what i want to make. Between all of that and all of the books i want to read i need to live forever to get it all done. But hey it is nice to always have something to do.

~~~~ i am tired of feeling worthless and stuck in my life. i hate my job and i have to force myself to do it and sound cheerful on the phone every day. i am tired of my boss telling me that i am not doing enough when he has no clue what i have been doing and of hearing him tell me i need to push to make sales. i can not push people into buying what they do not want or do not have money for in their stores. if i have to hear my boss say that K___ is doing better then i am, or making more sales, or in some way inferring that she is kicking my ass in something that is not even a competition one more time i swear i am going to scream. He is just adding to my feelings of worthlessness and i do not even think he realizes it. And when i tell me yeah yeah yeah i get it now stop he thinks i am being mellow dramatic or bitchy. When all i want is to try and keep the precious little bit of sanity that i have left.

~~~~ For this job that i have i am calling stores and offering them catalogs of products that they might want to sell. Then i have to keep calling them back and seeing if they want to order anything and if they are ready to order. i am so sick of hearing we love the products but we have no money to order anything right now call back next month. i work purely on commissions so when stores do not order i do not get paid for all the work that i have done and that in and of itself has a way of making one feel worthless. Adding to it the rantings of a boss who sits there as says that he is making sales all the time and that the economy is picking up when i am struggling to get through every call really just drives it home.

~~~~ On top of all of this i am still not divorced and it has been over two years since i left my estranged husband. He is supposed to be paying me $400 a month in maintenance (read alimony) and has not paid me since he bounced a check to me for Aprils payment and i am getting no child support either though Son has been living with me since the end of August. So i am struggling to pay my bills and make ends meet. i have had to borrow money from my parents and Roommate every month to pay my bills and feed myself and Son. It is getting beyond ridiculous as my estranged buys more pets and blows his money on crap that he does not need or use but cries that he has no money to pay me and does not want to pay child support. He spends money like it is burning a hole in his pocket and then cries that he can not pay his bills. He can buy new CD's and DVD's at every turn or take his fiance out to all these different places, but when any of children not just Son need something and ask for help he has no money to help them. Roommate and i have driven one of his other children up to see her friends when he would not even though she offered to pay for his gas to do so. His other daughter needs a winter coat so as soon as i get enough money to take care of what Son needs i am sending her the money to get a winter coat so that she does not freeze. i want my freedom from my estranged so that i can live my life for me and my son not under his control anymore. i am sick and tired of him making me feel worthless when he is the one that is worthless. He has a great job that he chooses not to work but according to him it is my fault that he does not get to work because i will not change mine and Son's lives around for him anymore. He chooses when he wants to work and then complains that there is no work when he does not even call in to see if there is any.

~~~~ December 28th will be our 11 year wedding anniversary and i really want to be divorced before then. i want to move on with my life and go to school. i want to take care of myself and Son without having to ask for help from anyone. i want to work at a job that i love and help people. Most of all i just want to get on with my life. i am so sick of feeling trapped at every turn of my life in every area of my life

I AM NOT WORHTLESS. I AM NOT WORTHLESS. DO YOU HEAR ME WORLD? I AM NOT WORTHLESS!!!!

~~~~ i am getting so sick of sleeping alone. i do not mean i miss having sex. i mean laying down in my big empty bed all by myself and not feeling someone there next to me. i miss having their body heat to help warm the sheets. i just miss the feeling of someone next to me that i can just cuddle with. Sex is the farthest thing from my mind. i am not interested in sex at all right now. i just want someone to share the bed with once in a while. Someone that can hold me and cuddle.

~~~~ It has been more then two years since i have shared a bed with anyone and i am really beginning to miss it. i hate sleeping alone lately it has been really hard to fall asleep and stay asleep. i have tried putting my pillows every which way and nothing seems to work. i even find myself sleeping only on one side of the bed. i have a beautiful queen sized bed all to myself and i still only sleep on one side of it leaving room for an invisible person on the other side. Even when i wake up in the middle of the night or in the mornings i see that i have stayed on "my side" of the bed never straying to the middle of the bed or the other side.

~~~~ Now, do not get me wrong i am not going to rush out and find someone to fill the other side of my bed. Unless it is filled with more pillows that side of the bed is staying empty until i find the person that not only fills that side of the bed but fulfills what i want from another person in my life. i am in no rush to fill that roll right now either. my divorce is not over and i have not healed completely from the fallout of my sham of a marriage.

~~~~ i just miss having a living body laying next to me as i fall asleep and still be there when i wake up. i miss hearing someone breathing next to me as they dream peacefully. i miss the safe feeling i used to get from rolling over and knowing that there is someone there that will calm me down if i wake up with a panic attack.

~~~~ Walking through the stores around here you would think Christmas is only a few days away instead of 57 like it is and it has been this way for a couple of weeks already. It is not even Halloween yet and they have out their Christmas items. Now yes i admit i have all my Christmas presents bought for my son. i am waiting for two movies to come out for Roommate. And i am working on crocheting the gifts for my brothers and their girlfriends. So yes i have had Christmas in my thoughts for a while but not buying decorations or stockings just getting the gifts before i have to fight the holiday shopping rush.

~~~~ i have worked retail in a mall for many Christmases. First at a Best Buy in a mall while i was just barely pregnant with my son. Then i left retail to work security for several years and ended up back in retail at a grocery store. To leave that and go back to a mall. i hated working the mall between Thanksgiving and Christmas people were rude, pushy, demanding, and just plan dangerous. You were taking you life in your hands anytime you walked in the hallways of the mall not to mention the parking lot.

~~~~ i am so very glad that i always listened to Mom when she said get your Christmas shopping done before Halloween at the lastest and then just pick up the little things that have not yet been released when you can. Trying to get there on the least busy days at the least busy times. Now i do not even go to the mall unless i have to between Thanksgiving and Christmas because i can order the movies and cds from the stores online and have them sent to me. The only thing i need to actually go to a store for is the yarn i need to make the gifts and i will be going there in a couple of days. Then once a month to Target to get Son's Concerta Rx filled but i can do that at off hours. Plus the local bookstore to pick up my books. i have to have my books but that is a whole other blog entry.

~~~~ i have always HATED shopping. Yes, i am a female that hates shopping so when i do it i try to get as much done at once as i can. If i have to go for just one or two things it is get in, get it, and get out.

~~~~ For a long time i have been unable to meditate even though i have tried and tried. A boss/good friend has given me a lot of stuff to help me meditate. But i just could not do it. i could not get my mind to stop racing and my body to relax. i am hoping that now that some things have been taken care of i can relax a little better and meditate to help with the rest of my stress.

~~~~ i am going to set up a box that holds all my stuff for meditation: the candles, CD's, crystals, and once i have finished making it the meditation blanket to sit on. i can not wait and really hope that all this helps. i am also looking for a meditation center near me that i can go to and meditate there as well. i know there is one in Chicago that my boss goes to and that he and his wife really like it.

~~~~ i also know that some people find it easier to meditate when they are out walking and i have been able to meditate when walking before. To this matter i am going to save of some of the little money that i have and get myself an MP3/MP4 player. i have seen some really nice ones on EBay that are not expensive at all. It will not be an ipod brand MP3 player but it will work and cost me a lot less. Anyway on this player i will put a bunch of music that has a good beat to it so that i can listen to it as i walk and keep a steady pace while i meditate. my walks will not be long to begin with because of my hips, lower back, and knees but as time goes on and they get stronger my walks will get longer then in the spring and summer when the weather is nicer i will be able to go for bikerides with Son as well though i do not think i will be able to meditate on those.

~~~~ i really want to be able to meditate and as long as i work at it i should be able to start it up again. Short meditations to start and then they can get longer as i get back into the practice of it. For now i think i will meditate on sitting on bed with the candles and stuff set up around my room. Once i can find a place in the house the i can set up meditation / altar corner i will leave the stuff set up all the time and will be able to visit that spot whenever i need to or want to. i think i am going to talk to Roommate about setting up a meditation area outside as well somewhere in the backyard. i can put my Tinkerbell lanters that Roommate got me for my birthday out there to hold my candles and keep them for blowing out or blowing over. It will be a very nice corner of the yard i can see how i want to do it now. All i have to do is ask though i do not see why Roommate would say no.

~~~~ i love Trans-Siberian Orchestra (TSO) and they have a new cd out called Night Castle and i want it so badly. i have all of there other cd's and had all their DVD's too but those got left when i moved out here because i could not find them and i did not have time to hunt for them. So as time goes on i will replace them. i just really want this new cd. i have heard pieces of it from their myspace page and i really like it. i just can not wait to get it.

~~~~ i got to go to their concert once and have wanted to go back every year but have not been able to because of money and time but i am hoping to get back to a concert from them soon. Their music is to die for amazing and the light show they put on is breathtakingly spectacular.

~~~~ Son and i love going on YouTube every year at Christmas time and watching all the videos of people setting their Christmas Lights to dance to TSO's songs. We also love to find videos of parts of their concerts and watch those as well.

~~~~ i have battling with my insomnia since the beginning of September and it has not gotten any better. Last night i actually fell asleep at a decent hour. i sent Son to bed at 9:30pm and i do not remember much after that except laying down on the couch in the living room to watch TV. i do not even think i was awake long enough to change the channel. i woke up at about 1:30am roasting and tossing the covers off of me with Roommate sitting at the end of couch watching TV.

~~~~ i got up to get a drink of water and go to my own bed. Apologizing to Roommate for sleeping where he normally does and for falling asleep when we were going to watch a movie together. He laughed and said not to worry about it he was just going to let me sleep because i have not been sleeping well and he knew i needed the sleep. So i went to lay down in my bed and go back to sleep but i was wide awake. i laid in bed for several hours just trying to fall asleep and it did not work. i finally gave up and started watching my Gilmore Girls Season 5 DVD's. At 7am when the alarms went off for me to get Son up are ready for school i was still up suffering from a horrible migraine that had started about 30min.s before the alarms were due to go off but i could not take my medication because it causes me to fall asleep.

~~~~ After getting Roommate up for work and Son off to school i went back to bed at about 7:45am and ended up sleeping through most of the day. Not waking up fully until Roommate called at 2:30pm to make sure i was awake and had unlocked the front door for Son to get in.
During this medication helped sleep i had a very bazaar dream. It is the same dream i always have when i take my migraine medication.

~~~~ i can not believe i am going to tell anyone besides Roommate and AP about this dream but maybe if i write it down for anyone to read i can stop having it. Okay... here it goes .... i always dream that i am forcefully stuffed into this giant cannon that is shaped like a penis. Yes, a giant penis cannon. And i am shot of this cannon by a group of people holding hands around the bottom of the penis cannon and jumping up and down. So these people are masturbating this penis cannon and i am shot across the room but i always slightly wake up enough to stop the dream before i land. It is just the strangest dream.

~~~~ Now, i have always had strange dreams when i am not feeling well. Ever since i was little i would know when i was getting sick with a bad cold or the flu because i would dream that i was this tiny little person running away from this giant thumb or forefinger that was trying to squish me. i would be running over a tissue where i had to avoid falling though these huge holes, or running around on another finger where i had to follow the fingerprint or climb the ridges like hills and mountains. It was all just very strange but i always had these dreams when i was going to get sick. And i still do, but now i also have to add the penis cannon dream any time i take my migraine medication.

~~~~ i wish i could just get back to a normal sleep schedule where i sleep at night for the whole night and not just a few minutes or hours here and there and then i am up for what seems like forever. i will not take sleeping pills either Rx or OTC. i hate taking the medication for my migraines and my back when the pain is so bad i can not stand it any more. Not to mention that if i take even an OTC sleeping pill i can not take my medication of my back or my migraines and i do not want to risk getting a fully developed migraine ever again the beginnings are bad enough to deal with.