Forever In Search Of my Muse

~~~~ i have been wanting a Kindle from Amazon for so long and i finally got one this year for Christmas. my mom got it for me and i love it. Right now i am reading Emma by Jane Austen on it and i have over 200 other books for it already. Right now they are all free books from Amazon but when i have more money i will be buying a bunch of books for it. Mind you it will not replace me buying actual books that i can hold in my hands but will help with finding books that are out of print and hard to find. Or just cost way to much to buy the actual out of print book. 

~~~~ There is so much going on in my life right now that i am worried or upset about that i am having a hard time relaxing again. So i have picked up my crocheting with more determination lately. Between everything with my dad and stuff with a couple of my dear friends and then everything that is or is not going on between Roommate and i. Lets just say i have my plate full and need to spend some time on me.

~~~~ my "me time" finds my crochet hook going in one project after another. i am finishing a baby blanket for a baby that was just recently born so that i can get it sent out to OH to the mother for her. i am also making squares for a Ravelry group as i said in my last post. This group puts the squares that are donated from all over the world together to make a blanket for someone who needs it in some way. Plus i am making a drawstring pouch as a gift for someone to say thank you for caring even though we do not really know each other very well.

~~~~ i have found that i am even crocheting while i am making calls for work. If i am on hold or waiting for the phone to be answered my hook is flying through one of my projects. i also found a pattern to crochet a flogger with and without beads. Now i just need to get the right type of yarn for it and then i will be making at least 4 of them maybe more depending on who wants them. i know i am making one with and one without beads for me then i just need to find someone to use it. i know who i want to do that but only time will tell if that is every going to happen. Though things look like they may be heading that way in the future. i just need to give them time and space for both of us to heal and deal with what is going on in our lives.

~~~~ i am also going to be taking the written test soon so that i can get my learners permit for driving and that has me worried. i am very scared of driving because of accidents that have happened to me in the past... ie. getting hit by the car while walking. But i need to learn to drive and be more independent for both myself and Son. Roommate is willing to teach me to drive and has been driving me where i need to go for years and it will be nice to be able to do it on my own when i have to. i am doing well at learning to live on my own. There are still somethings that i need help with but most it i am doing for myself.

~~~~ i love wind chimes of kinds. i have them hanging in every room of my home and outside my back door. They way they sound and the wonderful designs they come in are just absolutely beautiful.

~~~~ i find the sounds of them so very relaxing as they tinkle, chime, ring, and gong from the wind. It matters not the material that they are made from: glass, wood, metal, shell, or any other thing that makes a beautiful sound i want them.

~~~~ i have just recently found out that my dad who is 72 has lung cancer and now they need to do a brain scan before he can start his chemo to see if there is cancer there too. He has been very confused and suffering from exhaustion lately and that could be from cancer in the brain or lack of sleep because he has been so worried. So now we have to see what the scans say before they start the chemo. The results of the scans will dictate what type of chemo he gets and all that fun stuff. On top of all of this i am the one that has to be strong for my family. Anytime anything happens with my family i am the one that everyone turns to. i just do not know if i have the strength deal with all of this when i am still healing from everything that i have been through. i talked to Roommate and he said he will try to be there for me but with everything in his life that is going on he is not sure how strong he will be for me. He needs time to heal too after i hurt him during my three year long divorce. He was always there for me and needs time to deal with his life and to get his strength back.

~~~~ i do have other friends that i know will be there for me there is AP who has told me that she will take a bus out here to drive Son and i back to OH any time that i want to as long as my car is running. (Though at the moment my car is not running AGAIN. It seems that every time i take my car in to get fixed in some way it comes back with a dead battery. GRRR.) Then i have a very dear friend that i talk to on Face book a lot. i have been talking to him for years and even though he lives in another country i know he will be there for me to talk to when i need to. Plus i just got two of my friends from my divorce back into my life. i am learning to trust them again but i know that they will be there for me if i need them to be.

~~~~ As i write about my dad's cancer and my friends my wind chimes are tinkling and ringing in the wind. They sound so beautiful and relaxing. And right now i need that. Plus i need to get off the laptop and get started on my laundry it is piling up here and i need to work on crocheting more squares for one of my groups on Ravelry.

~~~~ It has been a very long time since i have posted to any of my blogs and i need to start getting back into my routines. my small apartment is still full of boxes, bags, and totes of things that need to be unpacked, sorted, decided on and either tossed, donated, or put away. i just feel so very overwhelmed. i need to do what FLYlady says and do things 15 minutes at a time but right now i can not even seem to think about doing that.

~~~~ i know, i know i just need to stop thinking and start doing and once i start i will be able to finish. i will feel a lot better and be a lot more relaxed once it is done i just have to do it. Oh the fun.

~~~~ Son has been at his father's for the last month so he has not had to see or live with any of this mess as everything was slowly brought over here. i do have a lot of things done it just does not feel like it with the last of everything being stacked everywhere.

~~~~ Okay well i had better get off of here and stop procrastinating and start working so that i can have a clean and comfortable home. 15 minutes of working means 15 minutes of relaxing in a cleaner and more comfortable home. Timer here i come.

~~~~ Oh the joys of it all. i am moving Son and i out of the house that we share with Roommate and into an apartment of our own. It is time that we have our own place with our own rules and belongs. Do not get me wrong i love living with Roommate and part of me does not want to move out. Roommate is not kicking me out either it is just time for Son and i to have our own place. Even though it is only 5 or so houses down the street in some very nice apartments. Roommate will still be helping me with somethings and we are still extremely close friends nothing is going to change that.

~~~~ Today mom and i moved 4 dressers up stairs into my apartment as well as a small but sturdy end table that i am going to use as a TV stand, a gliding rocking chair and foot stool, an antique hutch that will used for my microwave stand and added storage in my kitchen, and a book shelfish top of a hutch to be put on one of my dressers. All of this beautiful furniture was found and bought at thrift stores today. i also say a really really beautiful small chest of drawers that i really really really really want but could not get because it was POURING rain and there is no cap on the back of my dad's truck. We are hoping it will be there tomorrow when we go back to look for a couch and that the weather will be nice so that we can get that too. Yes, my dad is out visiting with my mom but he can not help move things because he has a very bad shoulder and back. Not really a problem mom and i did just fine doing it all. Roommate said he and maybe another friend will help me with the truly heavy stuff like my desk, plus the difficult stuff like my mattress and box spring when i get back from OH. Yep, in the middle of me moving Son and i are taking a weeks vacation and going to OH to see all of my family. Roommate will be coming out at the end of the week to celebrate Son's birthday and pick us up.

~~~~ i will post pictures when i get everything moved in and set up. i can not wait to see it all done. Besides moving stuff in we Old Englished the antique hutch and all the wood furniture that we got, wiped down the walls, Clorox wiped down the kitchen cabinets and dresser drawers and the fridge, and wiped off the dust on the registers. Tomorrow i get to wipe down all the closet shelves, scrub out the kitchen sink and bathtub, change the toilet seat, mop the kitchen and bathroom floors, and steam clean the carpets. Plus start moving some of more of our stuff in there.

~~~~ Roommate had to go and visit a friend of ours this weekend so he is really not able to help but that is okay. He will help when he gets back and with the rest of the stuff that needs to be moved out of his house. This is something that really needed to be done and could not be put off so i completely understand.

~~~~ When i was in high school every year i would play in the Memorial Day parade with the marching band. Believe it or not even though it was usually sweltering hot i loved doing it. It always meant a lot to me. With so many of my family that have been in the Armed Services now including my brother who was a Marine. i tried to join the Navy right out of high school but i did not make it due to injury. (Long story.)

~~~~ But i do greatly respect and honor all those that choose to serve our country. Many of my classmates are among them and i thank them all. i am thinking about contacting my local book store, Paige Turner Books, to talk to the owner about crocheting handmade blankets form some of our wounded or even non-wounded heroes that might want them. The family that owns the book store does a lot of work with groups that support our troops and they should know how i can go about doing this.

~~~~ Yes, i give away most of what i make to others as gifts for Christmas, baby showers, or donations to hospitals and such. It is the best i can do for others, to give them something that they can cherish and use that was made with love. my mom buys me tons of mill ends one pound bags of yarn form a craft store called Pat Catan's that is very near where she works. She knows i love to crochet and am leaning to knit and that it helps with my stress so she helps me with that. Through that i can help others one of the best ways that i can right now.

~~~~ Ohh yeah and i have been writing this blog for a year now. i really enjoy doing it and i know at least one person reads it but i am not sure of how many others that do and that really does not matter. It gives me a place to express myself.

~~~~ Okay i admit i have a problem. i am a bookaholic. i even tried to create a 12 step program to help cure me but it turned out like this instead.......
12-Step Program for Bookaholics

Hello, my name is _________ and I am a bookaholic!

Step 1: Buy a book.

Step 2: Read it.

Step 3: Touch the book, smell the book, feel it, and turn the pages.

Step 4: Languish lovingly over each perfectly typed letter. Let each word stroke your imagination. Let each sentence fill you. Each paragraph make your heart beat with anticipation for the next onslaught of pleasurable phrases. Each chapter make you gasp for breath. As it leaves you wanting more while the excitement builds.

Step 5: get to end of book, fall into deep depression, cry, throw the book (THE BOOK ENDED), pick book up off of bed, caress binding lovingly, place book on bookshelf.

Step 6: run to library or bookstore and get 10 more books to cure depression. Take books home, and finger each one trying to figure out which to read next. SCREAM and CUSS because you have picked up books 2 and 3 of a series but not book 1. Choose from the other 8 which book to read while HUNTING sleeplessly for missing book 1.

STEP 7: Pick fourth choice book (#1-3 being the 1st book in the series missing and the 2 you are dieing to read) read inferior book (to the missing book that you are still searching for) and think of how grand life would be if only you had the one book to start you onto the books you truly wish to read. search bookstores/libraries/online as you carry list in pocket or purse everywhere with ISBN #, title of book, and Authors name becoming faded. Find book one online 1st edition signed and wish you had $20,000. continue with book you are reading, it is just so hard to get into, you should be enjoying it (is it not printed just like every other book?)

STEP8: find missing book one in used bookstore slightly disheveled but readable. Toss inferior replacement book in corner and immediately start to devour the the books in the series. Finding after the third book the are 9 more books in the series and it has taken you 3 months to get through the books, for they where not as good as was promised to you by your mind. Pick up book from the corner where it has laid waiting for you. Reread from the beginning for you have forgot what it said. Finish book in one night unable to sleep nor put it down. repeat step 5

Step 9: start book from the books lying around you have yet to read ...payday comes and you see that times are hard you think "food or book" with the little money left over from paying bills. decide to go to Aldi or get together with your group of book lovers and shop at Sams (or other discount food place or mega food center with products made for restaurant business) splitting the cost and dividing to groceries between everyone in the parking lot. drive in caravan to bookstore and buy the book you want or which ever one strikes your eye. feel elated cause you not only provided for sustenance but also injected another book fulfilling the craving for your habit.

Step 10: Lone out a book that you have read to a friend and then go nuts because that is the book that you are craving to read again and you have not gotten it back yet. So you seriously think about buying another copy of the book and letting your friend keep that one. Alas as we have said money is tight so you do not buy another copy of a book you already own you just wait for your friend to finish it and when you can take it no longer you ask your friend if they are done with it and they tell you they just started it yesterday. Mumbling to yourself how you have wanted to read this books for weeks you smile and say "Oh it is great you will love it. Tell what you think of it when you finish it." Then you slink off to read a second choice book because you have to read something after all.

Step 11: You find that your second choice book is so good that housework goes undone and sleep is put off until the book is finished. Then you look around the house and say, "Shit i did it again and i said i would stop doing this." Then spend the next few days catching up on all the neglected house work.
~~~ This can be very bad when you work from home too because it is so much easier to put off going to work that way. ~~~

Step 12: When asked what you want for Christmas / Birthday / Anniversary by family and friends your answer is gift cards to book stores because you do not want to have to wait for that special day to get the book you want to read when you want to read it. Only to find out they got you something else instead. And, when asked what you want for Christmas besides gift cards to bookstores you REALLY have to think about it and can not come up with anything

*****START OVER AT STEP ONE*****

~~~~ Then i came up with wedding vows for bookaholics.....

~~~~ Last night Roommate and i were running some errands after Son was picked up by his father for the weekend. We went to the local book store Paige Turner Books. Then we stopped at Dunkin Doughnuts and got some treats for ourselves and headed off to Walmart. It was a really nice and warm day so i was wearing my nice white blousy neck tank top and left my jacket in the car. So i run into Walmart and Roommate stays in the car. i spend a while in there getting what we need and looking for a few things that they did not have. Then waiting in the check out line for the cashier to ring out the family in front of me because he forgot all their coupons. So 20minutes later i am leaving the store and am half to the car when the skies open up and start pouring rain on my nice white (now see through) top. Roommate of course is laughing at me as i run to the car and put the bags into the backseat before jumping into the front passenger seat.

~~~~ Then it happens the first strike of lightning and then another. i am now trying to hide my eyes and stay calm. Roommate is no longer laughing at me and is talking to me calmly trying to keep my calm. We get the grocery store and he was going to stay in the car but decides to walk in with me so that i am not walking through the parking lot alone with the lightning. While we are getting what we need there rain and lightning stop of course.

~~~~ However they start back up as soon as we get out of the store and the storm gets worse. By the time we drove home. Maybe 3 minutes away the storm is really bad and i am really close to an anxiety attack. I HATE LIGHTNING. i am completely TERRIFIED of it. So we get home and get all the stuff inside and the groceries put away. i then have my anxiety attack and hide for about an hour and a half while i jump ahead on the FLYlady steps looking for something to do to keep me busy and not thinking about the storm outside so i made my control journal. (Pictures will be posted on my FLYing blog when i get to that step.)

~~~~ After an hour and a half the storm has passed and Roommate and i go out to dinner at a restaurant that we really like in Kenosha. We had a good time talking to some of the other regulars there and reading for a while. Then it was home and off to bed. i was getting a headache that was threatening to become and migraine after my anxiety attack. However this is about 2am and i did not fall asleep until about 5am. i even got up and changed the hose on the hand held shower head. (One of the things bought at Walmart) Roommate said he was going to do it today but i did it last night because i could not sleep and it was on my mind.

~~~~ Today is day two of FLYing for me. Yesterday i felt better so i shined my sink and i did it just like she said to on her website. Now i can not see myself in it but it is clean and shiny. Today i got dressed to my bare feet. It is supposed to be to my shoes my shoes but i do not wear shoes in the house. Plus it is so nice outside i am going to be wearing my sandals when i go out later. Roommate left a bunch of dishes in the sink this morning when he left for work so it was not all nice and shiny when i woke up at 10 but i washed the dishes and cleaned the sink so it is all shiny again for him to come home to.

~~~~ i really do feel good about getting this done. i just feel so overwhelmed with everything that needs to be done and this website really breaks it all down into small easy to do bits that i can get done rather quickly so that i still have time for the other things that i need to do too.

~~~~ i think i may do what my friend has done as well and start another blog to keep track of how i do with my FLYing so that it is not all i talk about on here. In fact i think i am going to do that right now and i kind of know what i want it to look like too.

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~~~~ i have to get my house clean. It is not dirty as in filthy but it is messy and cluttered. i have laundry to fold thankfully the last load is the washer now and i have a load in the drier that is almost done. Then it is time to mop the floors and clean the bathroom. i hate cleaning the bathroom it is one of the things i wish i never had to do but it has to be done. Then i get to clean to my bedroom and it is a total disaster. Then i have to move my the old bed from my bedroom upstairs to the little bedroom downstairs and move my new bed from the little room downstairs to my bedroom upstairs.

~~~~ Then Roommate and i have to get the huge old metal desk out of the back of his van and put that in the living room so that i can keep an eye on Son over the summer while he is outside playing and i am stuck inside working.

~~~~ However right now my side is hurting so badly it hurts to sit here and type this and i really do not want to move because that just makes the nausea worse. i have had the ultrasound done and they did not see any stones in my Gallbladder but that does not mean that it is not my Gallbladder but it can also be Gastritis so i have to try taking Prilosec OTC to see if that is what it is first. If my side still hurts after taking that then there is one more test that they can do. i just want to know what wrong with my side and why it hurts so much. i am tired of pain and stress and just want it all to go away.

~~~~ Now i get to go back to cleaning because the drier is done and i need to get those clothes out and the next load in. Ohhh what fun.

~~~~ i am learning how to do the Tunisian Crochet style of crocheting and it is a lot of fun. i have a scarf that i am almost done with for one of my cousins and i am working on a baby blanket for a friend that i went to school with. He and his wife are expecting their first baby and i was in the marching band with him for 5 years plus he was in the scouts with my brothers so i have known him for many more years then just marching band. This type of crocheting is also known as the Afghan Stitch. There is a website that i found that has videos on all the different types of stitches. It is called NexStitch it has both Tunisian and Traditional crochet tutorial videos. i have mentioned this before i know but i am proud of the blanket i am working on it is turning out really nice. i have lots of pictures to post on my picture blog of my projects that i have finished and ones that i am working on. i have not been keeping up with that or Ravelry like i would like to so i need to catch up on those soon.

~~~~ There are also two other friends of mine from marching band that are pregnant and i am making blankets for them as well but they are done with regular crochet stitches. Not to mention my friend SB is pregnant with quads and i just made her four blankets as well. Plus white beret for her and a black one for her daughter as well as one in black for me. Plus the baby blanket that i am knitting for a daughter of Roommate's ex-girlfriend. my friends really need to stop getting pregnant. (LOL)

~~~~ i am thinking of making these baby blankets to sell as well and possibly the berets and hats that i make also. They are fast and easy and everyone seems to love them. Maybe i can make some money doing what i love and what relaxes me. It would not be much but it would be something and it would be fun to try. But then again when you start doing what you love for money in the end you usually hate it and i do not want to start hating crocheting. It has always been something that helps my relax and release stress. i also want to work on a lot of these hats and berets to give to the Cancer Center of America right here in town. Plus i gave a bunch of baby hats that i made to Son to take to school before Christmas for the Mitten Tree that the school does every year. i also want to talk to the police stations in the towns near here and see if i can give them some of the winter hats and blankets for them to give to people who they come across that need them.

~~~~ At about 10:15PM last night i called my doctor to see what i should do because i had been having pain in my right side for 24 hours with nausea. The pain and the nausea would range from mild to intense but it was always constant. After waiting for an hour for my doctor to call me back i called his office again and they tried to get a hold of him and could not. The office called me back saying that another doctor was on call for him last night and i talk to her with in a couple minutes. She told me to go to the ER. So now it is 11:20PM and i am waking up Roommate to take me to the ER as he was dosing on the love seat. SB is still out visiting so she said she would listen for Son for me as he had been asleep since about 9:30PM.

~~~~ Before Roommate drove me to the ER i called my mom in OH to let her know that i was going in to the ER and i got there just after 11:30PM. Roommate waited until i got checked in then left and went home. There was no reason for him to try and sleep there since we did not know what was wrong with me or how long i was going to be in the hospital. Plus if i was in there after 7:00AM someone needed to get Son up are ready for school making sure that he took his Concerta and letting him know where i was and what was going on.

~~~~ So i am in the ER and the nurse is trying to give me an IV and draw some blood. They tried with the inside of my right elbow first and blew that vein because they did not listen when i told them that my veins jump and roll. So another nurse tried the inside of my left elbow and blew that vein as well. They went and got the head nurse and he tried the outside of my left elbow and guess what.... yep he blew that vein as well. Now that is the third stick with a needle and i do not like needles. The fourth time they got it in the back of my left hand and they taped it in good to make sure that it did not go anywhere. They took the blood they needed and started an IV with medication for nausea and pain. Well the pain meds helped and the nausea worked for a while until the gave me some kind of contrast solution to drink mixed with apple juice. Now i do not like apple juice to begin with and with this stuff mixed in with it i was trying really hard to choke it down and not let it come back up so that i did not have to drink another two cups of it. The straw that they gave me to drink it with actually was able to stand up in it for a few seconds.

~~~~ So after choking this stuff down i have to wait an hour with my nausea back full force and fight not to be sick before they come and take me to do a CT scan. After the CT scan is done i am back in my little room with just my book to read and my cellphone to text people but the only person who is up is SB. So i am letting her know what i know is going on and that is all of me feeling nauseous and the fun of being stuck four times for an IV.

~~~~ Half an hour later they tell me it is my Gallbladder and not my Appendix that is bugging me. The doctor delivers this news and it is the second time i have seen him all night, well all morning at it is now sometime after 3AM. He asks me if there is anything i need and i say yes i have to go to the washroom so he turns off my IV and hands it to me and walk down the hall to do what i need to do. When i get back from the washroom i am standing in my room trying to figure out how to get back into the hospital bed with both rails up and put my IV bottle back on the stand without pulling it out of my arm. As i am stand there like an idiot trying to figure out how to do this a new nurse's aid comes in and asks if i am going on a bathroom run. So i tell him nope just got back and trying to figure out how to get back into bed. He lowers the rail and hangs up my IV bag and i climb back into bed. He then takes my vitals, removes my IV but not the needle and leaves. At 4:30AM the nurse comes in and gives me some medication to take ... two antibiotics and a Vicodin. They wanted to give me two Vicodins but i said one would be enough. At about 5AM the nurse's aid comes back to take my vitals again and removes the IV needle and i am allowed to go home with a stack of paperwork to read. So i call Roommate and he does not answer his phone so i call SB and ask her to wake Roommate up so that he can come get me.

~~~~ At about 6:15AM i finally get home and there is no point in going to sleep because i have to wake Son up shortly for school. So i talk to SB for a little while and then call my mom to let her know what is going on. i had tried calling while i was in the car on the way home but it went to her voice mail so i left a message but figured i should try again. This time i got a hold her and told her what happened and what the doctor said. She did not even remember me calling her last night and telling her that i was going into the ER. At 7:00AM i get Son up and ready for school and by 7:30AM he is out the door. So i call my lawyer and let him know what happened and then call my boss and tell him that i just spent all night in the ER and that i am not working today because i have not been to bed yet in over 24 hours and i need some sleep.

~~~~ i lay down to go to sleep and slept until about noon when i wake up because i have to go to the washroom again. i realize that Roommate never stopped by my room to tell me he was leaving for work so i look outside and his van is still in the driveway. i run up stairs and find him on his PC. He called into work because he was so tired he could not keep his eyes open and needed to get some sleep. i told him next time to let me know when he calls into work because he scared the crap out of me that he was so late for work and i did not know he had called in. Now i have to get dressed for the day and ready to get my prescriptions filled and to take Son to his doctors appointment for a checkup and to get the referral for an Electrocardiogram to see if he has the same heart condition as one of his sisters.

~~~~ AP and MB left Saturday evening to head back to OH. AP has a doctors appointment Monday and MB has physical therapy for his leg so they could only stay out for a week. SB is still here and that is great but i miss AP. She is my best friend and i do not get to see her all that much although we do talk on the phone almost every day. She lives over 7 hours away from me and her husband will not let her come out here to visit unless someone else pays for it and drives and she just tags along. Maybe i can get her back out here when my parents come out to visit. They should be coming out soon as we still have not done our Christmas gifts with them. Yes i know it is March but i have not seen my mom and dad since Thanksgiving as they also live 7 hours away from me.

~~~~ AP and i had a great time while she was out here. We laughed and joked and just had a blast picking on everything and everyone. She and SB got along great too. So that is wonderful. AP went to the office with me and helped get somethings ready for the move to the new office and jumped right into joking around with my bosses. It was so hilarious and we all laughed a ton that night. my bosses really seemed to like her and had a great time too.

~~~~ Son really loved having his uncle (MB) here. He really loves all of his uncles and loves spending time with them. Then again Son loves spending time with any male that will pay attention to him and spend time with him because his father does not seem to do that even when he only sees Son every other weekend. Son was not happy to find out that MB and AP left while he was at his dad's for the weekend and wants to call them and ask them to come back out to visit longer. Though he is happy that SB is still here.

~~~~ i am sitting here in my living room with my middle brother (MB) and AP. They came out to visit me for a week. MB fixed my laptop because i got a virus on it from myspace chat and fixed our internet so that it runs faster. MB is now watching a movie on his laptop with earphones on so that he is in his own little world. AP is reading my written journal that i started back in December of 2006. While upstairs in Roommates room another friend SB is on the desktop and talking to someone on her cell. Son is due home in about ten minutes and Roommate is at work. We have a full house this week. SB is up from southern IL. She has been here for over a week already and should be here for the rest of this week as well.

~~~~ It is really nice though i have missed having a full house of people that are not always screaming and yelling. We can all sit and do our own things or we can call talk and play games. In face when Roommate gets home i am going to see if he wants to get everyone together and play Apples to Apples it is a really fun game. We played it last Saturday night with SB, E (SB's friend) who came over, TH, NH, CL, M_, and Son. We all had a great time and want to have everyone but E over again to play it this weekend as well, while Son is at his dad's for the weekend. It is a lot more fun to play when you do not have to edit what you want to say because of a little kid in the room. Everyone was good though with Son and loved that he was playing. i do not know if AP or MB have ever played the game so we will have to see.

~~~~ i have court tomorrow and SB and AP are talking about coming to court with me. That will be very interesting to see. They have been told to behave and not ague with my lawyer or my judge. We will see how things go but i know i am not getting my divorce. i am probably going to trial and that sucks. But i do not want to blog about my divorce because all that will do is upset me and stress me out.

~~~~ This is a large Oak tree that we have in our front yard about 30 feet from our front door. i was standing on the front stoop when i took this picture of how hard the snow was falling. i had my first physical therapy appointment for my should that night and it was nice and clear when we went to the PT office. When i got out of PT Son was sitting quietly in the waiting room waiting for me or Roommate to get back. Roommate had run out to the car to see if we had another battery or a charger for Son's PSP with us. (We did not.) He came back in as i was getting on my jacket and this only took me about 45 seconds to do and we left. We could not even see Roommates footprints in the snow on the ground. What should have been a 20 minute car ride home took us over and hour to get home the snow was that bad. Roommate was explaining to me how to drive in weather like this the whole way home because i am finally learning to drive but am NOT behind the wheel yet. He was saying how visibility was maybe 1000ft if that and getting worse.

~~~~ Son was in the back seat being very quiet and just listening to us talk and watching the snow. It was so bad out side we had to have the heater up full blast to 90 degrees to keep the windows from fogging and the snow melting when it hit the windows. i already knew not to have the headlights on their brightest during a blizzard like this or in fog. Roommate showed Son why when we got home because Son did not understand what we were talking about and had asked. What Roommate did tell me was to drive very slowly and try to stay in the wheel tracks from the cars in front of us that way you have better contact with the road and if you have to be the first to drive through fresh snow to do it slowly and use the breaks VERY VERY gently with a lot of time before you have to stop because of sliding. That if you step on the breaks to hard or quickly you can lost control of the car. This i also already knew but i was very nice to hear again. As the more i hear these things the more comfortable i feel with the knowledge i have before i actually get behind a wheel in these types of situations. Though i know nothing teaches like experience the knowledge is nice to have as well.

~~~~ We were worried that the power might be out at the house when we got home but it was not. Thankfully with all the snow that fell and was sticking to everything else it did not stick to or build up on the power lines. We have lost power in a lot of storms over the two and half years that i have been living here so i always make sure we all have working flashlights in our bedrooms and candles as well. If the power had gone out it would have meant that our heat would not have been working also so i made sure that the little bedroom had plenty of candles for heat and we would have all slept in there to stay warm. Well at least Son and i, Roommate said he would just use extra blankets unless it got too cold in the house then he would have slept on the floor of the little bedroom. Thankfully the power did not go out at all and we all slept nice and warm in our own beds.

~~~~ As i have said before or at least i think i have i am learning to knit from a website called Knitting Help. Right now i am just doing the basics i have a scarf, a stole, and a baby blanket on straight needles that i am doing the seed stitch on and on a set of round needles i am working on a simple hooded cowl. They are all turning out nicely so far. i really like knitting and find it just as relaxing as crocheting and it is nice to be able to do something different too.

~~~~ So since i find knitting so relaxing i was looking around at the local Michael's Craft store and saw Boyle Needle Master set that has a lot of the different needle sizes and cables for $69.95 well that is a little pricey for my budget so i looked on EBay and found the exact same set for $30.00 + $5.00 SH buy it now so i bough it today. i can not wait for them to get here so that i can try them out.

~~~~ i am also learning how to do a new type of crocheting, well new to me, called Tunisian or Afghan Crochet. i am also learning this from a website called Nexstitch. You can learn just about anything from the Internet now and what is nice is i do not have to pay for lessons and i can replay the videos or pause them as often as i need to so that i check to make sure that i am doing in correctly. With this stitch i am working on a scarf for one of my cousins that i have not seen in over 20 years and just got back into contact with on Facebook.

~~~~ i love EBay too i am finding all kinds of things for knitting and crocheting. i just found a buy it now for needle point protectors for $9.99 free SH for a 40 count that is 20 large and 20 small and bamboo afghan hooks sizes H - P (8 hooks) $16.95 free SH also buy it now. i have not bought either of these yet i am going to talk to my mom about them tonight and tell her they are what i want for my Christmas gifts from her because i did not know what i wanted at the time and now i do and i have not seen my parents for Christmas yet. They live 7 hours away and between Mom's work, Dad's doctor appointments, Brother #2's court dates, and my court dates things have been really busy for all of us and we just have not had the chance to get together. Not to mention the fact that i do not have the money to drive 7 hours out to OH for a weekend visit. Though Mom and Dad are talking about coming out here this weekend if everything works out so we will see.

~~~~ And nothing happened in court today. The judge gave my estranged another 21 days to find a lawyer after he has had over 21 days already. i am so stressed out it is not even funny. i do not want to write anymore right now.

~~~~ i am really hoping that i get my divorce finished tomorrow. It has been over two and a half years of fighting for this and i am just so ready for it to be all done and over with. i want to get on with the rest of my life.

~~~~ For two and a half years my ex has tried everything in the book to prolong this divorce and try get me to run out of money. In the end he is the one with no money and not getting anything that he wants. His lawyers withdrew from the case and he cannot find anyone else to take on the job of being his legal counsel. He has screamed and yelled and sworn at his old lawyers of this i am sure and i do not even have to be there to know it because that is just his way. When the divorce first started he tried to act like he was this wonderful saintly person who never does anything wrong and i was this evil witch that ruined his life. my lawyer and i just kept giving him enough "rope" and not only did he hang himself but he also tied himself up in so many knots that no one could get him out.

~~~~ He showed his true colors to everyone. While i have always been the same person throughout all of this because i am not putting on an act. i am me and that is all there is to it. Now yes i have had to deal with a horrible depression because this divorce has taken so long and i felt that i failed at my marriage but it takes two to be married and he wanted a mother not a wife and i needed a husband and a father to the kids not another kid to take care of. Now there was a lot more that lead to the break down of my marriage but i really do not want to get into all that. But my point is that i did not fail at my marriage we failed at it and i know i tried to fight to keep us married but he did not want to fight for us too. So i had to do what was best for me and Son and i us out.

~~~~ i wish nothing evil to my estranged. i want him to find true happiness and love and to learn how to love himself as well as others but i do not want to be hurt by him any more. He did not want to fight for us until it was to late and he felt he was losing his possession but he did not own me. He did not want to get counseling until it was too late or try to see things from my side until it was over and i was gone. In all of this i have only wanted what was best for everyone and i feel i am doing the best i can to make sure that we all get it. Son will still have a relationship with his father but will live with me full time and i will have soul custody. He will get to see his father every other weekend, many holidays throughout the year, and two weeks in the summer.