Forever In Search Of my Muse

~~~~ With the year 2009 ending i am taking a look back to see where i have been, where i thought i would be, and where i am. One big thing that has not changed is the fact that i am not yet divorced and i thought i would be by now. i wanted to be divorced and in school but that has not happened yet. i am happy that i have Son with me and living here, that Roommate, Son, and i are all getting along great, and that i have found that i have more strength then i thought i did.

~~~~ With this coming new year i want to be divorced and moving on with my life. i want to go to school and start working towards my goals of becoming a C.O.T.A. and then an O.T. i also want to lose the weight i have gained over the last two years so that i am healthier and happier with myself. With my back and hips the way that they are the more weight that i lose the better until i am down to the recommended weight and size for my height and that is so that i am healthier and in a lot less pain. To reach this goal i am going to start with walking and simple Yoga. When the weather gets nicer i will get out my bike and start taking bike rides with Son, and Roommate if they want to come along.

~~~~ The biggest thing i want to work on learning this new year is to not allow the actions of others to stress me out so much. i cannot control what they do but i can control how i allow it to affect me. The more i let them stress me out the more i let them win and i have had enough of doing that in my life.

~~~~ As far as my crafting goes i want to work on crocheting for charities and friends. i also want to learn to knit. i found a yarn shop near my home that offers knitting lessons and when i have the money i want to take them. i also want to start trying out natural fibers. i have always worked with acrylics and can only really use Caron Simply Soft when it comes to the acrylics because the others are so rough they give me burns like 'rug burns' on my fingers. So maybe some of the natural fibers will be softer and better for my skin.

~~~~ i also want to work on my poetry. Both writing more and getting the project with my friend going. We have been talking about doing it for years and have not been able to get started for one reason or another. We have both had so much going on in our lives.

~~~~ For quit a while now i have been looking for a local yarn shop that i can get supplies at and take knitting lessons. i have asked around to everyone that i know and no one seems to know how to knit that lives near me. Heck most want me to teach them to crochet. i am thinking of charging a couple bucks for lessons and with that they will get a standard set of crochet hooks and a skein of Caron's Simply Soft Yarn in a color of their choice.

~~~~ i have been getting my yarn at the local Michael's Craft Store or from my mom who picks it up at Pat Catan's a craft store in OH. i have been working with acrylics and want to try working with natural fibers. my hands are very sensitive and i can only use yarns that are very soft or i end up with yarn burns (think rug burns) on my fingers from the yarn pulling over my fingers as i crochet. Right now i only use Caron's Simply Soft Yarns. i can pick up some cotton and some wool yarn at Michael's but i really want a larger selection and someone who knows about the yarns to help me choose what is the right yarn for my next project. Not to mention i have always wanted to see the inside of a yarn shop. Though i have a feeling i will be like a kid in a candy store in one.

~~~~ i would also love to just be able to sit in a yarn shop and work on my projects for a while my own little get away with like crafted people. i do not have a problem sitting in the living and watching TV with Son and/or Roommate while i crochet and do that quit often, or sitting in my room and crocheting with a DVD or music playing from my laptop. But there is just something so appealing about the idea of sitting in a yarn store and working on my projects. Not to mention there is likely to be someone that knows more about it then me there and can teach me a few new stitches or patterns. i just think it would be so much fun plus a great way to get to know more people in this area.

~~~~ All day yesterday i had a migraine that made my head feel like it was going to explode. i slept all day while Son was at school and Roommate went out and bought McDonald's for dinner so that i did not have to cook. However once Son was home i just could not let myself go back to sleep even though that was what my migraine meds were trying to make me do.

~~~~ So i tore out and restated the blanket i am making for one of my brothers. At about 1:30 in the morning long after Son was in bed i had to ask Roommate to take it away from me and not let me have it back until today because i could not get myself to stop. i kept saying to myself, "i will stop after i finish this row." And three rows later i was saying it again. i know i need to get this blanket done and before my family comes out so that i can give it to them when they do. But i do not know when that is right now. Plus i have other things i need to get done.

~~~~ It does not look like it in this picture because it is all folded over itself but this blanket is long enough to go across a queen size bed and i do have more then the 6 rows shown done. Each color is actually 2 rows of that color so there are 11 rows done with the 12th row started.

~~~~ Okay well i need to get off of here and go get laundry done and then back to the crocheting. i want to get all these projects done but i must be realistic and acknowledge that i will most likely not have them all done before my family gets out here. Especially if the phone i just got is true and they are going to try and be here sometime during the week between Christmas and New Years.

~~~~ Everyone uses the phrase; "Once in a blue moon" but do you know what a blue moon is? A "Blue Moon" is when there are two full moons in one calendar month. In fact there is a "Blue Moon" this month December 31st, New Years Eve is a full moon but also the "Blue Moon" as the other full moon this month was December 2nd. For those who believe there is power in the moon the "Blue Moon" is supposed to be three times as powerful.

**** The Full Moon, the phase seen by most as the time of great power for the positive. Having two Full Moons in one month is a rare occurrence. When the moon is seen the second time in the same cycle it is seen as a young mother. A mother caring for and affectionately raising her children in the light of truth, wisdom and love. The Blue Moon is a time of enormous influence for prophecy and divination. Its energies can be summoned for protection, wisdom and love. It is believed that any workings held beneath the Blue Moon are given additional energy, which makes this time magnificent for all work in manifesting goals, passion, healing, strength, and power.

~~~~ i think it is a sign of things to come in my life. One really hard year ending under a "Blue Moon" and the next beginning under that same "Blue Moon". i know that it is changes for the positive and for strength and for love.

~~~~ "When the moon rides at Her peak, Then your heart's desire seek." What better time to seek your heart's desire then at the end of one year and the beginning of a new year. Just remember your "New Year's Resolutions" this year are being made under the power of a "Blue Moon" Think long and hard what you want to use that power for before making some frivolous resolution that you do not intend to keep.

~~~~ About three years ago i went to a Housewares Convention with my bosses from the incense store i used to work at. We were looking for some potpourri of exceptional quality. And walking, well they were walking i was being pushed in a wheel chair because i had a broken leg, though the show we smelled this incredibility delicious smell and followed our noses to find this. (See picture) We were so excited to find this beautiful potpourri that not only smelled divine but looked gorgeous too. Well it turned out we found tea not potpourri. Now my boss L___ and i both live for great teas so we tried some and were blown away. This is all natural tea with real fruits and flower petals in it and nothing compares in taste to this tea.

~~~~ Whenever i say i am making myself a cup of tea or enjoying a cup of tea this is one brand of the tea that i mean. Not just the blueberry, shown in the picture, but any of their teas. You can order them from online and they are delivered right to your front door. They are not cheap but for the quality they are a great price. Elmwood Inn Fine Teas are simply the best teas i have ever tasted and they have a huge selection of Black Tea, Caffeine Free Tea, Flavored Teas, Green Teas, Herbals and Infusions (no tea leaves), Iced Tea, Oolongs, Premium Loose Teas, Tea Bags, and White Teas, as well as Private Label Teas.

~~~~ i also drink Celestial Seasons, Bigelow, Stash, and other loose leaf teas but Elmowood Inn's teas are my favorite and if i had the money they would be the only tea that i would ever drink. Depending on the tea you can get a 4oz tin for $8.95 ($2.24 per oz.) up to a 3lb. bag for $69.95 ($1.46 per oz). That really is not a bad price but when money is tight it is hard to justify buying more tea when i already have a bunch of the store bought teas sitting here at home waiting for me to make and drink them.

~~~~ When i make my teas even my tea bag tea i use a Mr. Coffee. i cut the tea bags open and pour them into a filter and run the water through just like you would for coffee. i find that it makes the tea just as strong as steeping the tea bag in my cup but i do not have to worry about trying to get the tea bag out of the cup or ringing out the tea bag. Plus it is done a lot faster. i have a little 4 cup Mr. Coffee that has never had coffee in it and will never have coffee in it. i use it for all my teas. Roommate has two different coffee makers of his own and i have an ice tea maker and my little Mr. Coffee that i turned into a Mrs. Tea.

~~~~ Now i am off to drink my blueberry tea that inspired this post and work on my crocheting i am getting so much done. i am so proud of myself.

~~~~ i have all my Christmas shopping done. i have had it done for a long time but not all made. i am still working on all the blankets that i want to give to people. But all the hats and scarfs are done. Even though i have had my Christmas shopping done for months i do not have a single thing wrapped and i need to get started on that.

~~~~ There are times that i love wrapping presents and times when i hate it. i love my wrapped presents to look all neat and pretty but when they are odd shapes that is not an easy thing to do. i guess i should start wrapping the presents while Son is at school on Monday so that they are done before he gets home and he does not see them unwrapped.

~~~~ Though there are times i must admit that it really does not matter what the present looks like when it is wrapped no one seems to pay attention to all the detail and time you took to wrap it so neatly. They just tear into it and destroy all your hard work in seconds to get to the surprise inside that they want. i love watching Son open all his presents do not get me wrong i do not care if i ever get a Christmas present i am happiest when i watch others enjoying what i bought or made them. It just would be nice for someone to take the time and say "WOW this is wrapped beautifully it is almost a shame to tear into it." Before they destroy all my hard work. Ahh oh well that may never happen and as i said i enjoy watching them open the present and enjoy it.

~~~~ They say, "Music has powers to sooth the savage breast." Yes, breast not beast it was miss quoted and stuck that way.

~~~~ i love music and almost any kind of music at that. As most can tell from the playlist.com player i have at the bottom of my blog. Those are just some of the songs that have inspired me over the years. i do not like rap though i am sorry but to me that is just not music.

~~~~ i can play several instruments too. Lets see there is the Tuba, Sousaphone (big thing that wraps around the body), flute, piccolo, little bit on the trumpet and trombone. i was teaching myself to play the piano on a really nice keyboard that i had but when i left my estranged that got left behind on accident and he will not give it to me. Ohh well he did pay for it, granted it was supposed to be my Christmas present a few years back but i can go and buy another one sometime when i have the money. i have beautiful acoustic guitar that i want to learn to play as well and Roommate says he can teach both Son and i to play. Son was taking drum lessons with his dad but stopped so i am going to look for some out here for him to take.

~~~~ i find that depending on the style of the music it can be a great many things: calming, stimulating, inspiring, aggravating, sensual, annoying, and just so many more. When i really want to relax and just unwind or work on my writing i listen to Blackmore's Night, Celtic Women, or Classical even. If i want to take it easy but still get stuff done around the house or am not in a hurry to get a crochet project done i will listen to country or some "Oldies from the 50's - 80's" (since when did the 80's become oldies?). If i want to really get things moving with cleaning or crocheting or even with my walks and exercise i will listen to Big Band music with its pushing beats or even Metal to some Heavy Metal or Death Metal depending on the song. i like to be able to understand the words to what i am listening to if they are in English.

~~~~ i love musicals too like Phantom Of The Opera, Cats though this is probably my least favorite musical, Hairspray etc. Even the music from the old Disney Animated Movies i love to listen to still. There is just always music for whatever mood you are in. i always have music playing somewhere in the house if i am not wasting a few hours in front of the TV. but then there is music on TV too. With every show, commercial, and movie they use music you just may not notice it.

Some of my favorite Quotes about MUSIC

**** Ah, music. A magic beyond all we do here! Dumbledore ~J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, 1997 ****

**** I think I should have no other mortal wants, if I could always have plenty of music. It seems to infuse strength into my limbs and ideas into my brain. Life seems to go on without effort, when I am filled with music. ~George Eliot (1819 - 1880)****

**** Music has charms to soothe the savage breast To soften rocks, or bend a knotted oak. ~William Congreve (1670 - 1729), The Mourning Bride, Act 1 Scene 1 ****

**** If music be the food of love, play on;
Give me excess of it, that, surfeiting,
The appetite may sicken, and so die.
That strain again! it had a dying fall:
O, it came o'er my ear like the sweet sound
That breathes upon a bank of violets,
Stealing and giving odour! ~William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616), "Twelfth Night", Act 1 scene 1 ****

**** After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music. ~Aldous Huxley (1894 - 1963) "Music at Night", 1931 ****

~~~~ It has been 2.5 years since i left my estranged husband and we are still not divorced. He has found every reason in the book to prolong this divorce. Now to top it all off his legal representation is filing a motion for withdrawal from the case. Siting that they have reached an impass as to how to proceed with this cause of action. Even though i was the one to leave he is the one that petitioned for disillusion of marriage. With his legal representation asking to withdraw from the case he has 21 days from their withdrawal to file an appearance for himself or with new council. If he does not do this then his petition will be dismissed and we will have to start all over again. So this morning my lawyer and i spent an hour and a half on the phone writing up a counter petition so that we can file it before there is a chance for the case to dismissed and we can keep it open and preceding.

~~~~ my next court date that i have to appear for is December 29,2009 one day after my 11 year wedding anniversary. However i am not even sure if that date will stand because of this motion to withdraw and the fact that he has 21 days after that to file an appearance. The motion for withdrawal comes in front of the Judge on December 15, 2009 but i do not need to be there for that. This divorce has cost me over $22,000 of which i have paid off over $17,000 already. That is a lot of money that could have been put to a much better use sitting in a bank and earning interest for Son's college education even after paying for the divorce but instead it is going to my lawyer. Now i am not complaining about paying my lawyer he has done a WONDERFUL job and i am very pleased with everything that he has done. i just wish that my estranged had not drug this divorce out so very long.

~~~~ On an other note i am crocheting away at all my projects and they are coming out great. i am very pleased with them i just wish the progress would go a little faster but it is not easy to crochet with two wrist braces on at times. A nice cup of hot blueberry tea, some good music, my comfy chair, a warm blanket and my Blueberry Scone scented candle burning and i am good to go for several hours of good crocheting time while i watch the snow fall and pile up outside my windows. i love the beauty of this time of year. After crocheting for a few hours i may pick up one of the books i am reading and enjoy it for a while too. Or maybe i will move to working at my desk and taking care of some of my poetry that i have not worked on in a while. It all just depends on how i feel. One thing is for sure though i need to get off here for a little while and get my house work done so that i can do this stuff later. Plus i have to take of Son when he gets home from school. So off to work i go.

~~~~ i love the beauty of winter and the fresh crisp blanket of white that coats everything after a good snowfall but with the first snow comes the fear of falling on the ice. For me this is an event that happens every year without fail and always leaves me sore for days. Now that i have my bad back and hips i am even more scared of falling on the ice. What if i land wrong or on my back or hips? Who will take care of me and Son if i am stuck in bed? Worse what if i break something in the fall and am laid up for weeks rather then days? Right now i have Roommate who every year promises that he will help if something like this happens to me but what about when i move out on my own with Son?

~~~~ i have all these beautiful boots with heels that i would wear year round and really loved to wear in the winter. But now i do not touch them. i am always in gym shoes or snow boots. Even when i go to court i wear my gym shoes there and change into my dress shoes once i am in the building. i do not risk walking on any ice in anything that is not a tractioned sole. Even with those i fall every year.

~~~~ With the first snow also comes the promise of continued cold weather and that brings the promise of PAIN. If i get to cold my back tenses up and causes excruciating pain. i have lived in the north all my life first in the Cleveland, OH suburbs and now in the Chicago, IL suburbs but until i was hit by a car the cold never bothered me. Now i bundle up like i have never experienced a winter in my life just try and keep from getting a chill that cause my back to tense. i used to walk outside barefoot in the snow to get the mail or put out the dog now that is not even an option i have to bundle up like i am going for an hour hike just to step outside.

~~~~ On the plus side to all of this though is the beauty of sitting in a chair by the window of my nice warm house under a wonderfully comfy blanket and reading a book with the snow falling. Or crocheting and watching the snow fall. All while enjoying some hot tea, hot coco, or hot cider. MMMMMM. In fact i think i am going to go and make myself some hot tea right now and light some incense or a nice candle and curl up with a good book

~~~~ Does anyone else know how difficult it is to crochet with one of these on each hand? Yes, i have carpal tunnel in both wrists as well as corpol tunnel in my left elbow. i injured my left arm while working at Osco in April of 2005. After many MRI's, an EMG and two years of Physical Therapy i do not have to wear the wrist brace all the time just when it really starts to hurt. i would not let them do the double release that they wanted to do. Releasing the tendons in both the palm of my hand and my eblow so that when the nerves swelled they were not as restricted but then i would always have a weight limit as to what i could lift or how i could move my arm. No thank you. In July of 2006 i was hit by a car and it borke my left leg, tore cartalige in my left knee and weakend my hips and lower back. While i was on crutches and non weight bearing for my left leg i really agrivated my left arm and developed carpal tunnel in my right arm as well. With all of this i can say i thankful i can still walk and move and crochet it could have been a lot worse.

~~~~ So i am stiching away at all my projects and makeing slow progress but progress still. They are all truning out beautifully. i can not wait to get them done and get pictures posted on here. i just find it so relaxing to crochet especially with all the stress of the holidays and the fact that i am usually stuck inside for the duration of the cold weather. Only going out when i absolutely have to because of my back. The cold causes me sever pain in my back and hips and means i usually have to take a vicodine and i HATE taking those so i try to avoid anything that causes that much pain.

~~~~ Ohhh good news though my car is fixed it was a bad tork converter, according to my dad who has worked for Ford all my life that is an $800 dollar fix but it did not cost me a penny. Thank the gods for warranties. i get my car back to day. Roommate and his dad driving down to get it and bringing it home while i get to say inside in the nice warm house working on all my projects.