Forever In Search Of my Muse

~~~~ With the year 2009 ending i am taking a look back to see where i have been, where i thought i would be, and where i am. One big thing that has not changed is the fact that i am not yet divorced and i thought i would be by now. i wanted to be divorced and in school but that has not happened yet. i am happy that i have Son with me and living here, that Roommate, Son, and i are all getting along great, and that i have found that i have more strength then i thought i did.

~~~~ With this coming new year i want to be divorced and moving on with my life. i want to go to school and start working towards my goals of becoming a C.O.T.A. and then an O.T. i also want to lose the weight i have gained over the last two years so that i am healthier and happier with myself. With my back and hips the way that they are the more weight that i lose the better until i am down to the recommended weight and size for my height and that is so that i am healthier and in a lot less pain. To reach this goal i am going to start with walking and simple Yoga. When the weather gets nicer i will get out my bike and start taking bike rides with Son, and Roommate if they want to come along.

~~~~ The biggest thing i want to work on learning this new year is to not allow the actions of others to stress me out so much. i cannot control what they do but i can control how i allow it to affect me. The more i let them stress me out the more i let them win and i have had enough of doing that in my life.

~~~~ As far as my crafting goes i want to work on crocheting for charities and friends. i also want to learn to knit. i found a yarn shop near my home that offers knitting lessons and when i have the money i want to take them. i also want to start trying out natural fibers. i have always worked with acrylics and can only really use Caron Simply Soft when it comes to the acrylics because the others are so rough they give me burns like 'rug burns' on my fingers. So maybe some of the natural fibers will be softer and better for my skin.

~~~~ i also want to work on my poetry. Both writing more and getting the project with my friend going. We have been talking about doing it for years and have not been able to get started for one reason or another. We have both had so much going on in our lives.

~~~~ For quit a while now i have been looking for a local yarn shop that i can get supplies at and take knitting lessons. i have asked around to everyone that i know and no one seems to know how to knit that lives near me. Heck most want me to teach them to crochet. i am thinking of charging a couple bucks for lessons and with that they will get a standard set of crochet hooks and a skein of Caron's Simply Soft Yarn in a color of their choice.

~~~~ i have been getting my yarn at the local Michael's Craft Store or from my mom who picks it up at Pat Catan's a craft store in OH. i have been working with acrylics and want to try working with natural fibers. my hands are very sensitive and i can only use yarns that are very soft or i end up with yarn burns (think rug burns) on my fingers from the yarn pulling over my fingers as i crochet. Right now i only use Caron's Simply Soft Yarns. i can pick up some cotton and some wool yarn at Michael's but i really want a larger selection and someone who knows about the yarns to help me choose what is the right yarn for my next project. Not to mention i have always wanted to see the inside of a yarn shop. Though i have a feeling i will be like a kid in a candy store in one.

~~~~ i would also love to just be able to sit in a yarn shop and work on my projects for a while my own little get away with like crafted people. i do not have a problem sitting in the living and watching TV with Son and/or Roommate while i crochet and do that quit often, or sitting in my room and crocheting with a DVD or music playing from my laptop. But there is just something so appealing about the idea of sitting in a yarn store and working on my projects. Not to mention there is likely to be someone that knows more about it then me there and can teach me a few new stitches or patterns. i just think it would be so much fun plus a great way to get to know more people in this area.

~~~~ All day yesterday i had a migraine that made my head feel like it was going to explode. i slept all day while Son was at school and Roommate went out and bought McDonald's for dinner so that i did not have to cook. However once Son was home i just could not let myself go back to sleep even though that was what my migraine meds were trying to make me do.

~~~~ So i tore out and restated the blanket i am making for one of my brothers. At about 1:30 in the morning long after Son was in bed i had to ask Roommate to take it away from me and not let me have it back until today because i could not get myself to stop. i kept saying to myself, "i will stop after i finish this row." And three rows later i was saying it again. i know i need to get this blanket done and before my family comes out so that i can give it to them when they do. But i do not know when that is right now. Plus i have other things i need to get done.

~~~~ It does not look like it in this picture because it is all folded over itself but this blanket is long enough to go across a queen size bed and i do have more then the 6 rows shown done. Each color is actually 2 rows of that color so there are 11 rows done with the 12th row started.

~~~~ Okay well i need to get off of here and go get laundry done and then back to the crocheting. i want to get all these projects done but i must be realistic and acknowledge that i will most likely not have them all done before my family gets out here. Especially if the phone i just got is true and they are going to try and be here sometime during the week between Christmas and New Years.

~~~~ Everyone uses the phrase; "Once in a blue moon" but do you know what a blue moon is? A "Blue Moon" is when there are two full moons in one calendar month. In fact there is a "Blue Moon" this month December 31st, New Years Eve is a full moon but also the "Blue Moon" as the other full moon this month was December 2nd. For those who believe there is power in the moon the "Blue Moon" is supposed to be three times as powerful.

**** The Full Moon, the phase seen by most as the time of great power for the positive. Having two Full Moons in one month is a rare occurrence. When the moon is seen the second time in the same cycle it is seen as a young mother. A mother caring for and affectionately raising her children in the light of truth, wisdom and love. The Blue Moon is a time of enormous influence for prophecy and divination. Its energies can be summoned for protection, wisdom and love. It is believed that any workings held beneath the Blue Moon are given additional energy, which makes this time magnificent for all work in manifesting goals, passion, healing, strength, and power.

~~~~ i think it is a sign of things to come in my life. One really hard year ending under a "Blue Moon" and the next beginning under that same "Blue Moon". i know that it is changes for the positive and for strength and for love.

~~~~ "When the moon rides at Her peak, Then your heart's desire seek." What better time to seek your heart's desire then at the end of one year and the beginning of a new year. Just remember your "New Year's Resolutions" this year are being made under the power of a "Blue Moon" Think long and hard what you want to use that power for before making some frivolous resolution that you do not intend to keep.

~~~~ About three years ago i went to a Housewares Convention with my bosses from the incense store i used to work at. We were looking for some potpourri of exceptional quality. And walking, well they were walking i was being pushed in a wheel chair because i had a broken leg, though the show we smelled this incredibility delicious smell and followed our noses to find this. (See picture) We were so excited to find this beautiful potpourri that not only smelled divine but looked gorgeous too. Well it turned out we found tea not potpourri. Now my boss L___ and i both live for great teas so we tried some and were blown away. This is all natural tea with real fruits and flower petals in it and nothing compares in taste to this tea.

~~~~ Whenever i say i am making myself a cup of tea or enjoying a cup of tea this is one brand of the tea that i mean. Not just the blueberry, shown in the picture, but any of their teas. You can order them from online and they are delivered right to your front door. They are not cheap but for the quality they are a great price. Elmwood Inn Fine Teas are simply the best teas i have ever tasted and they have a huge selection of Black Tea, Caffeine Free Tea, Flavored Teas, Green Teas, Herbals and Infusions (no tea leaves), Iced Tea, Oolongs, Premium Loose Teas, Tea Bags, and White Teas, as well as Private Label Teas.

~~~~ i also drink Celestial Seasons, Bigelow, Stash, and other loose leaf teas but Elmowood Inn's teas are my favorite and if i had the money they would be the only tea that i would ever drink. Depending on the tea you can get a 4oz tin for $8.95 ($2.24 per oz.) up to a 3lb. bag for $69.95 ($1.46 per oz). That really is not a bad price but when money is tight it is hard to justify buying more tea when i already have a bunch of the store bought teas sitting here at home waiting for me to make and drink them.

~~~~ When i make my teas even my tea bag tea i use a Mr. Coffee. i cut the tea bags open and pour them into a filter and run the water through just like you would for coffee. i find that it makes the tea just as strong as steeping the tea bag in my cup but i do not have to worry about trying to get the tea bag out of the cup or ringing out the tea bag. Plus it is done a lot faster. i have a little 4 cup Mr. Coffee that has never had coffee in it and will never have coffee in it. i use it for all my teas. Roommate has two different coffee makers of his own and i have an ice tea maker and my little Mr. Coffee that i turned into a Mrs. Tea.

~~~~ Now i am off to drink my blueberry tea that inspired this post and work on my crocheting i am getting so much done. i am so proud of myself.

~~~~ i have all my Christmas shopping done. i have had it done for a long time but not all made. i am still working on all the blankets that i want to give to people. But all the hats and scarfs are done. Even though i have had my Christmas shopping done for months i do not have a single thing wrapped and i need to get started on that.

~~~~ There are times that i love wrapping presents and times when i hate it. i love my wrapped presents to look all neat and pretty but when they are odd shapes that is not an easy thing to do. i guess i should start wrapping the presents while Son is at school on Monday so that they are done before he gets home and he does not see them unwrapped.

~~~~ Though there are times i must admit that it really does not matter what the present looks like when it is wrapped no one seems to pay attention to all the detail and time you took to wrap it so neatly. They just tear into it and destroy all your hard work in seconds to get to the surprise inside that they want. i love watching Son open all his presents do not get me wrong i do not care if i ever get a Christmas present i am happiest when i watch others enjoying what i bought or made them. It just would be nice for someone to take the time and say "WOW this is wrapped beautifully it is almost a shame to tear into it." Before they destroy all my hard work. Ahh oh well that may never happen and as i said i enjoy watching them open the present and enjoy it.

~~~~ They say, "Music has powers to sooth the savage breast." Yes, breast not beast it was miss quoted and stuck that way.

~~~~ i love music and almost any kind of music at that. As most can tell from the playlist.com player i have at the bottom of my blog. Those are just some of the songs that have inspired me over the years. i do not like rap though i am sorry but to me that is just not music.

~~~~ i can play several instruments too. Lets see there is the Tuba, Sousaphone (big thing that wraps around the body), flute, piccolo, little bit on the trumpet and trombone. i was teaching myself to play the piano on a really nice keyboard that i had but when i left my estranged that got left behind on accident and he will not give it to me. Ohh well he did pay for it, granted it was supposed to be my Christmas present a few years back but i can go and buy another one sometime when i have the money. i have beautiful acoustic guitar that i want to learn to play as well and Roommate says he can teach both Son and i to play. Son was taking drum lessons with his dad but stopped so i am going to look for some out here for him to take.

~~~~ i find that depending on the style of the music it can be a great many things: calming, stimulating, inspiring, aggravating, sensual, annoying, and just so many more. When i really want to relax and just unwind or work on my writing i listen to Blackmore's Night, Celtic Women, or Classical even. If i want to take it easy but still get stuff done around the house or am not in a hurry to get a crochet project done i will listen to country or some "Oldies from the 50's - 80's" (since when did the 80's become oldies?). If i want to really get things moving with cleaning or crocheting or even with my walks and exercise i will listen to Big Band music with its pushing beats or even Metal to some Heavy Metal or Death Metal depending on the song. i like to be able to understand the words to what i am listening to if they are in English.

~~~~ i love musicals too like Phantom Of The Opera, Cats though this is probably my least favorite musical, Hairspray etc. Even the music from the old Disney Animated Movies i love to listen to still. There is just always music for whatever mood you are in. i always have music playing somewhere in the house if i am not wasting a few hours in front of the TV. but then there is music on TV too. With every show, commercial, and movie they use music you just may not notice it.

Some of my favorite Quotes about MUSIC

**** Ah, music. A magic beyond all we do here! Dumbledore ~J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, 1997 ****

**** I think I should have no other mortal wants, if I could always have plenty of music. It seems to infuse strength into my limbs and ideas into my brain. Life seems to go on without effort, when I am filled with music. ~George Eliot (1819 - 1880)****

**** Music has charms to soothe the savage breast To soften rocks, or bend a knotted oak. ~William Congreve (1670 - 1729), The Mourning Bride, Act 1 Scene 1 ****

**** If music be the food of love, play on;
Give me excess of it, that, surfeiting,
The appetite may sicken, and so die.
That strain again! it had a dying fall:
O, it came o'er my ear like the sweet sound
That breathes upon a bank of violets,
Stealing and giving odour! ~William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616), "Twelfth Night", Act 1 scene 1 ****

**** After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music. ~Aldous Huxley (1894 - 1963) "Music at Night", 1931 ****

~~~~ It has been 2.5 years since i left my estranged husband and we are still not divorced. He has found every reason in the book to prolong this divorce. Now to top it all off his legal representation is filing a motion for withdrawal from the case. Siting that they have reached an impass as to how to proceed with this cause of action. Even though i was the one to leave he is the one that petitioned for disillusion of marriage. With his legal representation asking to withdraw from the case he has 21 days from their withdrawal to file an appearance for himself or with new council. If he does not do this then his petition will be dismissed and we will have to start all over again. So this morning my lawyer and i spent an hour and a half on the phone writing up a counter petition so that we can file it before there is a chance for the case to dismissed and we can keep it open and preceding.

~~~~ my next court date that i have to appear for is December 29,2009 one day after my 11 year wedding anniversary. However i am not even sure if that date will stand because of this motion to withdraw and the fact that he has 21 days after that to file an appearance. The motion for withdrawal comes in front of the Judge on December 15, 2009 but i do not need to be there for that. This divorce has cost me over $22,000 of which i have paid off over $17,000 already. That is a lot of money that could have been put to a much better use sitting in a bank and earning interest for Son's college education even after paying for the divorce but instead it is going to my lawyer. Now i am not complaining about paying my lawyer he has done a WONDERFUL job and i am very pleased with everything that he has done. i just wish that my estranged had not drug this divorce out so very long.

~~~~ On an other note i am crocheting away at all my projects and they are coming out great. i am very pleased with them i just wish the progress would go a little faster but it is not easy to crochet with two wrist braces on at times. A nice cup of hot blueberry tea, some good music, my comfy chair, a warm blanket and my Blueberry Scone scented candle burning and i am good to go for several hours of good crocheting time while i watch the snow fall and pile up outside my windows. i love the beauty of this time of year. After crocheting for a few hours i may pick up one of the books i am reading and enjoy it for a while too. Or maybe i will move to working at my desk and taking care of some of my poetry that i have not worked on in a while. It all just depends on how i feel. One thing is for sure though i need to get off here for a little while and get my house work done so that i can do this stuff later. Plus i have to take of Son when he gets home from school. So off to work i go.

~~~~ i love the beauty of winter and the fresh crisp blanket of white that coats everything after a good snowfall but with the first snow comes the fear of falling on the ice. For me this is an event that happens every year without fail and always leaves me sore for days. Now that i have my bad back and hips i am even more scared of falling on the ice. What if i land wrong or on my back or hips? Who will take care of me and Son if i am stuck in bed? Worse what if i break something in the fall and am laid up for weeks rather then days? Right now i have Roommate who every year promises that he will help if something like this happens to me but what about when i move out on my own with Son?

~~~~ i have all these beautiful boots with heels that i would wear year round and really loved to wear in the winter. But now i do not touch them. i am always in gym shoes or snow boots. Even when i go to court i wear my gym shoes there and change into my dress shoes once i am in the building. i do not risk walking on any ice in anything that is not a tractioned sole. Even with those i fall every year.

~~~~ With the first snow also comes the promise of continued cold weather and that brings the promise of PAIN. If i get to cold my back tenses up and causes excruciating pain. i have lived in the north all my life first in the Cleveland, OH suburbs and now in the Chicago, IL suburbs but until i was hit by a car the cold never bothered me. Now i bundle up like i have never experienced a winter in my life just try and keep from getting a chill that cause my back to tense. i used to walk outside barefoot in the snow to get the mail or put out the dog now that is not even an option i have to bundle up like i am going for an hour hike just to step outside.

~~~~ On the plus side to all of this though is the beauty of sitting in a chair by the window of my nice warm house under a wonderfully comfy blanket and reading a book with the snow falling. Or crocheting and watching the snow fall. All while enjoying some hot tea, hot coco, or hot cider. MMMMMM. In fact i think i am going to go and make myself some hot tea right now and light some incense or a nice candle and curl up with a good book

~~~~ Does anyone else know how difficult it is to crochet with one of these on each hand? Yes, i have carpal tunnel in both wrists as well as corpol tunnel in my left elbow. i injured my left arm while working at Osco in April of 2005. After many MRI's, an EMG and two years of Physical Therapy i do not have to wear the wrist brace all the time just when it really starts to hurt. i would not let them do the double release that they wanted to do. Releasing the tendons in both the palm of my hand and my eblow so that when the nerves swelled they were not as restricted but then i would always have a weight limit as to what i could lift or how i could move my arm. No thank you. In July of 2006 i was hit by a car and it borke my left leg, tore cartalige in my left knee and weakend my hips and lower back. While i was on crutches and non weight bearing for my left leg i really agrivated my left arm and developed carpal tunnel in my right arm as well. With all of this i can say i thankful i can still walk and move and crochet it could have been a lot worse.

~~~~ So i am stiching away at all my projects and makeing slow progress but progress still. They are all truning out beautifully. i can not wait to get them done and get pictures posted on here. i just find it so relaxing to crochet especially with all the stress of the holidays and the fact that i am usually stuck inside for the duration of the cold weather. Only going out when i absolutely have to because of my back. The cold causes me sever pain in my back and hips and means i usually have to take a vicodine and i HATE taking those so i try to avoid anything that causes that much pain.

~~~~ Ohhh good news though my car is fixed it was a bad tork converter, according to my dad who has worked for Ford all my life that is an $800 dollar fix but it did not cost me a penny. Thank the gods for warranties. i get my car back to day. Roommate and his dad driving down to get it and bringing it home while i get to say inside in the nice warm house working on all my projects.

~~~~ On the way to pick up Son from his father's on Black Friday my car decided it did not want to drive anymore. Roommate and i were maybe 5 minutes from getting Son and my transmission just stopped working. We were sitting in traffic waiting to merge and when it was our turn Roommate stepped on the gas and the car just sat there. It would not engage in any gear. Roommate had to get out and push the car off the street while i steered it into a parking lot and got it into a spot safely.

~~~~ So i had to call my friend S___ to come and pick me up so that i could get Son. Then we went back to my Car and picked up Roommate. i also called Suburban Transmissions and had them come and tow my car. But they said it would be over an hour and a half until they got my car so we left the keys inside Pepboys for the tow truck driver and went home.

~~~~ Now i have to wait until Monday to see if what is wrong with my car and if they are going to charge me to fix it. They fixed my transmission back in March of this year and it is still under warranty so we will see. If they do charge me to fix my car i hope it is not too much because i still have no money and my estranged owes me $3450 and i have not seen a penny of it yet.

~~~~ Okay at last count i had 20 projects intended for specific people. That i need to get done 2 are blankets for Christmas gifts, 4 are blanket that i have promised to people and started, 4 are blankets that i have promised but not started yet, 2 are baby blankets i just found out about, 2 are baby hats, 2 are spit-up clothes, 1 scarf, and 1 hat and 1 pair of crocheted boxers.

~~~~ i have a feeling i am going to be crocheting for a long time to come before i can get to the hats that i want to make for the local hospitals and emergency response crews to give to babies, children and adults in need of them in the cold weather. i guess i better put down my books for a while and pick up my hooks and get to work. Hmmm i wonder if i can get away without doing as much of my chores around the house because i have all this crocheting to get done. i doubt Roommate and Son would be to happy about that though because my chores are the laundry and cooking dinner, Roommate washes the dishes and takes out the garbage, and Son helps keep the house neat and dusts. We all take turns cleaning the bathroom.

~~~~It looks like i am going to have to stop crocheting to the nice slow relaxing music and start using something that has more of an up beat tempo to it. i have found that i crochet to the tempo of the music the fast and more up beat the music the faster i crochet and i do not make more mistakes then normal so that is good thing. Now i just need to go and make a play list with the music i need to crochet to.Plus i can start crocheting while Roommate and i are watching our DVR'ed shows at night.

~~~~ Time to put on my wrist braces and get to work my hook and yarn in hand on my projects that need to get done before Christmas is here.

~~~~ i know no matter what goes on in my life Roommate and AP can always make me laugh. If i listed all the inside jokes between AP and i people would really think us strange. Then again we are. Here is a small list

• 1. Neurological-Syphilis of the Puss
  
• 2. For Your Messed Up Togas.
  
• 3. Why won't you have sex with me? Fallowed by various reason and excuses for the answer. (This one is with Roommate)
  
• 4. My dick is hard.
  
• 5. Dah Da Da Dah, Dah Da Da Dah __________'s World
• 6. Leaves
• 7. Making the 50 foot women happy. (This one is also with Roommate)
  
• 8. Just making you feel at home.
• 9. Make my taters woman. (This one is with Roommate too)
• 10. Don't make me kill myself. i swear i will slice my finger with the scissors.
• 11. OO OO OO me man me fix. OO OO OO
  

~~~~ Being of very limited financial means this year i am making a lot of my Christmas presents for my family. i love to crochet and i can do it while riding in a car, on a train, waiting in a waiting room, watching TV, or laying in bed. i have two of my gifts done a hat and scarf set for one of my brothers in black and a hat and scarf set for that brother's girlfriend in light purple. (pictures on my photo blog soon i hope.)

~~~~ i am now working on a patchwork checkerboard blanket for an other brother in dark sage and milk chocolate. The squares are turning out great so far and the colors look wonderful bordered in black and put next to each other. i can not wait to see how this one turns out when it is done. (pictures to follow completion on my photo blog.)

~~~~ Once that blanket is done i have one more to make in shades of green. This one is for my third brother and his girlfriend. i think this one i am going to do in three shades of green if i can find them in the yarn i like that look great together and in a alternating granny square so that every round of the square is a different shade of the three greens. Think square bulls eye with three colors. (pictures to follow completion on my photo blog.)

~~~~ Once these gifts are done i can go back to all the other projects that i have started and need to finish around here. The blanket for my bed, one for Son, one for Roommate, and one for AP's daughter. Then i have several other friends that would love me to make blankets for their daughters. i also have a lot of baby hats i want to take to the hospital and drop off for the babies that are there. (no pictures of these yet but very soon) Plus i will be making more hats and maybe some blankets for the hospital and for any friends that get pregnant.

~~~~ i also want to find a pattern for fingerless gloves that i can make easily i think they would be really nice to have to keep my wrists warm while i am working on my crocheting. Plus i would love to give them as gifts to some people who i know would love something like that. i am just full of ideas as to what i want to make. Between all of that and all of the books i want to read i need to live forever to get it all done. But hey it is nice to always have something to do.

~~~~ i am tired of feeling worthless and stuck in my life. i hate my job and i have to force myself to do it and sound cheerful on the phone every day. i am tired of my boss telling me that i am not doing enough when he has no clue what i have been doing and of hearing him tell me i need to push to make sales. i can not push people into buying what they do not want or do not have money for in their stores. if i have to hear my boss say that K___ is doing better then i am, or making more sales, or in some way inferring that she is kicking my ass in something that is not even a competition one more time i swear i am going to scream. He is just adding to my feelings of worthlessness and i do not even think he realizes it. And when i tell me yeah yeah yeah i get it now stop he thinks i am being mellow dramatic or bitchy. When all i want is to try and keep the precious little bit of sanity that i have left.

~~~~ For this job that i have i am calling stores and offering them catalogs of products that they might want to sell. Then i have to keep calling them back and seeing if they want to order anything and if they are ready to order. i am so sick of hearing we love the products but we have no money to order anything right now call back next month. i work purely on commissions so when stores do not order i do not get paid for all the work that i have done and that in and of itself has a way of making one feel worthless. Adding to it the rantings of a boss who sits there as says that he is making sales all the time and that the economy is picking up when i am struggling to get through every call really just drives it home.

~~~~ On top of all of this i am still not divorced and it has been over two years since i left my estranged husband. He is supposed to be paying me $400 a month in maintenance (read alimony) and has not paid me since he bounced a check to me for Aprils payment and i am getting no child support either though Son has been living with me since the end of August. So i am struggling to pay my bills and make ends meet. i have had to borrow money from my parents and Roommate every month to pay my bills and feed myself and Son. It is getting beyond ridiculous as my estranged buys more pets and blows his money on crap that he does not need or use but cries that he has no money to pay me and does not want to pay child support. He spends money like it is burning a hole in his pocket and then cries that he can not pay his bills. He can buy new CD's and DVD's at every turn or take his fiance out to all these different places, but when any of children not just Son need something and ask for help he has no money to help them. Roommate and i have driven one of his other children up to see her friends when he would not even though she offered to pay for his gas to do so. His other daughter needs a winter coat so as soon as i get enough money to take care of what Son needs i am sending her the money to get a winter coat so that she does not freeze. i want my freedom from my estranged so that i can live my life for me and my son not under his control anymore. i am sick and tired of him making me feel worthless when he is the one that is worthless. He has a great job that he chooses not to work but according to him it is my fault that he does not get to work because i will not change mine and Son's lives around for him anymore. He chooses when he wants to work and then complains that there is no work when he does not even call in to see if there is any.

~~~~ December 28th will be our 11 year wedding anniversary and i really want to be divorced before then. i want to move on with my life and go to school. i want to take care of myself and Son without having to ask for help from anyone. i want to work at a job that i love and help people. Most of all i just want to get on with my life. i am so sick of feeling trapped at every turn of my life in every area of my life

I AM NOT WORHTLESS. I AM NOT WORTHLESS. DO YOU HEAR ME WORLD? I AM NOT WORTHLESS!!!!

~~~~ i am getting so sick of sleeping alone. i do not mean i miss having sex. i mean laying down in my big empty bed all by myself and not feeling someone there next to me. i miss having their body heat to help warm the sheets. i just miss the feeling of someone next to me that i can just cuddle with. Sex is the farthest thing from my mind. i am not interested in sex at all right now. i just want someone to share the bed with once in a while. Someone that can hold me and cuddle.

~~~~ It has been more then two years since i have shared a bed with anyone and i am really beginning to miss it. i hate sleeping alone lately it has been really hard to fall asleep and stay asleep. i have tried putting my pillows every which way and nothing seems to work. i even find myself sleeping only on one side of the bed. i have a beautiful queen sized bed all to myself and i still only sleep on one side of it leaving room for an invisible person on the other side. Even when i wake up in the middle of the night or in the mornings i see that i have stayed on "my side" of the bed never straying to the middle of the bed or the other side.

~~~~ Now, do not get me wrong i am not going to rush out and find someone to fill the other side of my bed. Unless it is filled with more pillows that side of the bed is staying empty until i find the person that not only fills that side of the bed but fulfills what i want from another person in my life. i am in no rush to fill that roll right now either. my divorce is not over and i have not healed completely from the fallout of my sham of a marriage.

~~~~ i just miss having a living body laying next to me as i fall asleep and still be there when i wake up. i miss hearing someone breathing next to me as they dream peacefully. i miss the safe feeling i used to get from rolling over and knowing that there is someone there that will calm me down if i wake up with a panic attack.

~~~~ Walking through the stores around here you would think Christmas is only a few days away instead of 57 like it is and it has been this way for a couple of weeks already. It is not even Halloween yet and they have out their Christmas items. Now yes i admit i have all my Christmas presents bought for my son. i am waiting for two movies to come out for Roommate. And i am working on crocheting the gifts for my brothers and their girlfriends. So yes i have had Christmas in my thoughts for a while but not buying decorations or stockings just getting the gifts before i have to fight the holiday shopping rush.

~~~~ i have worked retail in a mall for many Christmases. First at a Best Buy in a mall while i was just barely pregnant with my son. Then i left retail to work security for several years and ended up back in retail at a grocery store. To leave that and go back to a mall. i hated working the mall between Thanksgiving and Christmas people were rude, pushy, demanding, and just plan dangerous. You were taking you life in your hands anytime you walked in the hallways of the mall not to mention the parking lot.

~~~~ i am so very glad that i always listened to Mom when she said get your Christmas shopping done before Halloween at the lastest and then just pick up the little things that have not yet been released when you can. Trying to get there on the least busy days at the least busy times. Now i do not even go to the mall unless i have to between Thanksgiving and Christmas because i can order the movies and cds from the stores online and have them sent to me. The only thing i need to actually go to a store for is the yarn i need to make the gifts and i will be going there in a couple of days. Then once a month to Target to get Son's Concerta Rx filled but i can do that at off hours. Plus the local bookstore to pick up my books. i have to have my books but that is a whole other blog entry.

~~~~ i have always HATED shopping. Yes, i am a female that hates shopping so when i do it i try to get as much done at once as i can. If i have to go for just one or two things it is get in, get it, and get out.

~~~~ For a long time i have been unable to meditate even though i have tried and tried. A boss/good friend has given me a lot of stuff to help me meditate. But i just could not do it. i could not get my mind to stop racing and my body to relax. i am hoping that now that some things have been taken care of i can relax a little better and meditate to help with the rest of my stress.

~~~~ i am going to set up a box that holds all my stuff for meditation: the candles, CD's, crystals, and once i have finished making it the meditation blanket to sit on. i can not wait and really hope that all this helps. i am also looking for a meditation center near me that i can go to and meditate there as well. i know there is one in Chicago that my boss goes to and that he and his wife really like it.

~~~~ i also know that some people find it easier to meditate when they are out walking and i have been able to meditate when walking before. To this matter i am going to save of some of the little money that i have and get myself an MP3/MP4 player. i have seen some really nice ones on EBay that are not expensive at all. It will not be an ipod brand MP3 player but it will work and cost me a lot less. Anyway on this player i will put a bunch of music that has a good beat to it so that i can listen to it as i walk and keep a steady pace while i meditate. my walks will not be long to begin with because of my hips, lower back, and knees but as time goes on and they get stronger my walks will get longer then in the spring and summer when the weather is nicer i will be able to go for bikerides with Son as well though i do not think i will be able to meditate on those.

~~~~ i really want to be able to meditate and as long as i work at it i should be able to start it up again. Short meditations to start and then they can get longer as i get back into the practice of it. For now i think i will meditate on sitting on bed with the candles and stuff set up around my room. Once i can find a place in the house the i can set up meditation / altar corner i will leave the stuff set up all the time and will be able to visit that spot whenever i need to or want to. i think i am going to talk to Roommate about setting up a meditation area outside as well somewhere in the backyard. i can put my Tinkerbell lanters that Roommate got me for my birthday out there to hold my candles and keep them for blowing out or blowing over. It will be a very nice corner of the yard i can see how i want to do it now. All i have to do is ask though i do not see why Roommate would say no.

~~~~ i love Trans-Siberian Orchestra (TSO) and they have a new cd out called Night Castle and i want it so badly. i have all of there other cd's and had all their DVD's too but those got left when i moved out here because i could not find them and i did not have time to hunt for them. So as time goes on i will replace them. i just really want this new cd. i have heard pieces of it from their myspace page and i really like it. i just can not wait to get it.

~~~~ i got to go to their concert once and have wanted to go back every year but have not been able to because of money and time but i am hoping to get back to a concert from them soon. Their music is to die for amazing and the light show they put on is breathtakingly spectacular.

~~~~ Son and i love going on YouTube every year at Christmas time and watching all the videos of people setting their Christmas Lights to dance to TSO's songs. We also love to find videos of parts of their concerts and watch those as well.